Santa the Reindeer Molester

Yeah, you heard me right. Apparently Saint Nick likes to get a little bit too jolly… well at least according to the Little Theater of Alexandria (LTA), in their production of “The Eight: Reindeer Monologues.

 

Oh Santa! You're so naughty!

Ok, so I’m guessing at this point you are asking yourself, “What the heck is ToBlogOr talking about???” (The answer? Does anyone really ever know? Probably not. But that’s the fun of this blog. I can talk about poop pretty much anything I want, blabber on and on and on aimlessly and without any intelligence or reason about nothing in particular and then make a crass joke or 2 or 9.)

Anyway, the point is here that I saw a show last week. An “adult humor” show at LTA that started at 10:30pm. I was excited to attend a show with “adult humor” because to me, that translates into stupid jokes with boobs.

But oooooooh was I wrong. While there were a few stupid jokes, the only boobs were the audience members who paid to see the show.

[Editor’s Note: Sorry GF, I know you paid for the tickets and were really excited to take us, but seriously??]

So, the show was basically a rant by 8 reindeer who all mostly talked about how Santa molested them, and Mrs. Claus was a saggy old cougar who shamelessly hit on all the elves.

The producer/director had a chance to put on the show in 2 ways:

Way #1 (i.e. the preferable way): Sarcastic and crass yet still funny and a bit light hearted.

Way #2 (i.e. the uhhh other way): Bitter and angry and performed as if you had serious parental issues when growing up.

It had such potential, but the show just left me feeling empty and dirty. Plus, the last thing I really wanted to know was that Cupid is gay, Dasher is a bad actor, Comet is a big-time druggie, and Vixen is a nasty slut. Oh, and did I mention that apparently Rudolph is retarded and has been institutionalized?

This wasn’t adult humor, this was a show meant to crush the happy spirits of human beings around the world.

The producer/director/creator/janitor of this show are Emotional Terrorists.

Maybe they were deeply entrenched members of Al Qaeda.  Hamas? Also a possibility as well.  Republicans?  Definitely.

Either way, they should be immediately shipped off to Guantanamo Bay with the other terrorists!

(You might note that I’m feeling a biiiiit strongly about this.  But come on!  It’s the Christmas Season, the last thing I want to think about 10:30 at night is reindeer sodomy.  And I’m not talking about the fun kind of sodomy.  I’m talking Santa-with-an-elf-tattooed-on-his-wang kind of sodomy.  And I’m not even kidding here.  They talked about that!)

Luckily, as a Jew, I don’t have to worry about it too much.  Yeah, it kills the holiday spirit a bit, but Santa never really visited my house, so who cares… right?

Now Hanukkah Harry?   That’s a different story.

He would never get caught with his pants down around a couple of hairy reindeer.  No, we Jews don’t do that kind of thing.

I would imagine if good ole HH were to get busted, it’d probably be for  insider trading or matzoh ball smuggling.

 

And that would be sad.  Because who else would deliver my presents this holiday season?

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I wish you all a very happy holiday season!