Category Archives: Uncategorized

Santa the Reindeer Molester

Yeah, you heard me right. Apparently Saint Nick likes to get a little bit too jolly… well at least according to the Little Theater of Alexandria (LTA), in their production of “The Eight: Reindeer Monologues.

 

Oh Santa! You're so naughty!

Oh Santa! You're so naughty!

Ok, so I’m guessing at this point you are asking yourself, “What the heck is ToBlogOr talking about???” (The answer? Does anyone really ever know? Probably not. But that’s the fun of this blog. I can talk about poop pretty much anything I want, blabber on and on and on aimlessly and without any intelligence or reason about nothing in particular and then make a crass joke or 2 or 9.)

Anyway, the point is here that I saw a show last week. An “adult humor” show at LTA that started at 10:30pm. I was excited to attend a show with “adult humor” because to me, that translates into stupid jokes with boobs.

But oooooooh was I wrong. While there were a few stupid jokes, the only boobs were the audience members who paid to see the show.

[Editor’s Note: Sorry GF, I know you paid for the tickets and were really excited to take us, but seriously??]

So, the show was basically a rant by 8 reindeer who all mostly talked about how Santa molested them, and Mrs. Claus was a saggy old cougar who shamelessly hit on all the elves.

The producer/director had a chance to put on the show in 2 ways:

Way #1 (i.e. the preferable way): Sarcastic and crass yet still funny and a bit light hearted.

Way #2 (i.e. the uhhh other way): Bitter and angry and performed as if you had serious parental issues when growing up.

It had such potential, but the show just left me feeling empty and dirty. Plus, the last thing I really wanted to know was that Cupid is gay, Dasher is a bad actor, Comet is a big-time druggie, and Vixen is a nasty slut. Oh, and did I mention that apparently Rudolph is retarded and has been institutionalized?

This wasn’t adult humor, this was a show meant to crush the happy spirits of human beings around the world.

The producer/director/creator/janitor of this show are Emotional Terrorists.

Maybe they were deeply entrenched members of Al Qaeda.  Hamas? Also a possibility as well.  Republicans?  Definitely.

Either way, they should be immediately shipped off to Guantanamo Bay with the other terrorists!

(You might note that I’m feeling a biiiiit strongly about this.  But come on!  It’s the Christmas Season, the last thing I want to think about 10:30 at night is reindeer sodomy.  And I’m not talking about the fun kind of sodomy.  I’m talking Santa-with-an-elf-tattooed-on-his-wang kind of sodomy.  And I’m not even kidding here.  They talked about that!)

Luckily, as a Jew, I don’t have to worry about it too much.  Yeah, it kills the holiday spirit a bit, but Santa never really visited my house, so who cares… right?

Now Hanukkah Harry?   That’s a different story.

He would never get caught with his pants down around a couple of hairy reindeer.  No, we Jews don’t do that kind of thing.

I would imagine if good ole HH were to get busted, it’d probably be for  insider trading or matzoh ball smuggling.

Santa the Reindeer Molester

 

And that would be sad.  Because who else would deliver my presents this holiday season?

————————————————-

I wish you all a very happy holiday season!

Spank Me, I’m Naughty!

I’m a bad person.  Not so bad as to say, be sent to be somebody’s butt buddy in prison….. buuuuuut perhaps just bad enough to receive a swift smack in the ass once in a while.

I don’t mind though.  Why?  Because if someone is going to spank me, then I’m allowed to give them a good spanking back…. and who doesn’t enjoy a good spanking once in a while? 

Apparently there’s quite a debate on each side of the issue, which I would love to weigh in on, but unfortunately, my company has blocked my every attempt to learn more about the issue.  Apparently someone IN MANAGEMENT (I’m looking at you!) needs a good spanking!!

So, I can’t vouch for it, but if you are interested in this topic, feel free to go here, and let me know if there are any pictures of naked boobies. I did discover this little beauty of a story at “Marie Claire” that involves a wussy guy getting spanked at a strip club. 

So where was I?

Oh yes, I’m naughty.

How naughty might you wonder? 

 

The 12 Reasons Why I Need a Spanking

 

I use my DVR to skip commercials

  • What can I say?  I don’t like watching really bad holiday commercials over and over and over and over again.  If I hear the “Every kiss begins with Kay” jingle one more time, someone’s gonna pay.  If networks still ran commercials like this one, I might actually consider watching ’em more often.

I reused a stamp once

  • This is a hard one to admit, since it’s sort of actually really kind of illegal.  I think the post office just sort of forgot to mark it up, and well, I was really lazy and didn’t feel like dragging my ass out to the Post Office in a bind and really really needed a stamp for my Playboy subscription renewal letter a really important document.

I threw out a soda can instead of recycling it

  • I  was walking on the street and there wasn’t a recycling bin around.  I knew I should have just stuck it in my laptop bag, but well, who really wants a dirty can dripping all over their laptop?  I deserve an extra spanking because, when I threw out the can, I justified it by thinking “hmm, well that’ll just get picked up later by a random bum anyhow.”

I copied a friend’s Menudo cd so I could listen to it in my car

  • I’ve been worried that the music industry will sue the hell out of me ever since that fateful day.  And yes, I should be spanked extra hard for just mentioning Menudo.

 
Spank Me, I'm Naughty!

I use pictures on my blog without getting permission

  • I could ask permission, but I’m in a hurry, and really who wants to wait several weeks while I get my lawyers to talk to your lawyers and blah blah blah.  I want my Menudo picture, and I want it NOW.  (But seriously, how awesome is that picture??)

I accidentally took a picture of my girlfriend’s boobs once (or twice)

  • I swear it was accidental.  I swear that I deleted it immediately after I downloaded it to my private collection for future viewing ward.

I took 2 samples of the fudge when I was grocery shopping at Harris Teeter

  • I just couldn’t resist.  I was hungry.  It was tasty.  No one was looking. 

I accidentally threw out a tray at the cafeteria… and didn’t retrieve it out of the garbage can

  • I had all good intentions of putting it back, but then I got distracted and accidentally dropped it right on in.  And c’mon, do you really expect me to reach my arm down into that disgusting trash can and fish it out?  I’d rather be spanked with a spiked paddle, thankyouverymuch.

I parked in a “compact car only” spot, even though my car is clearly not “compact”

  • Why are all the best spots always reserved for people who are “handicapped” or have really freakin’ small cars?  I mean, what about us with bigger cars?  Screw y’all – the spot looks big enough, so I’m taking it.  And besides,  the model I drive was compact back in ’82, so I’m grandfathered in.

 
Spank Me, I'm Naughty!
 

I made a right turn on red at 7:12am at a corner where there was a sign that said “No Right Turn 7am – 7pm”

  • Turning right on red is a 1st amendment right, so those signs are unconstitutional.  Why?  Freedom of religion.  Mostly because I religiously cut people off.

I used my company phone to make a long distance phone call

  • Apparently this is stealing or something…. but I don’t want to use up all my minutes while I’m sitting at work.  I mean, I have this perfectly wonderfully functional phone sitting in front of me, so why shouldn’t I use it?  And have you seen the long distance rates for calling Sri Lanka on a cell phone??? Jeez!

I bought food for my company potluck

  •  And unwrapped it and put it in a nice bowl, and told everyone it was my mother’s secret recipe.  In fact, I have a potluck today, and I’m bringing a traditional Philly delicacy for everyone to try.

I guess I know what list Santa has me on this yeah, eh?  Luckily I’m a Jew, so I don’t have to worry about that whole coal thing.   And since Arjewtino is already intimately familiar with my ass – I know I’ll be getting my payback for all my sins soon.

Speaking of Arjewtino, here’s a guy who REALLY deserves a good spanking.

So what have you done to deserve a spanking?

Free Money

I need better friends.  I love y’all out there, but really, I need you to start stepping up to the plate a little bit more and do your part.

I need friends like Bernard Madoff. 

You know that guy – he’s been in the news all week with the whole money scandal thingie.

Ok ok, so the guy might not exactly be the most honest or forthright guy, but that doesn’t make him a bad friend.  You see, apparently he was just about to turn himself in when the police got him.  The only reason he hadn’t turned himself in yet is that he had an extra $200 or $300 million left over that he wanted to split up among family, friends, and some staff.

WHAT THE FUCK??

Why can’t I have friends like this?

 

My New BFF

My New BFF

 

I mean, little ole ToBlogOr wouldn’t mind an extra mil or 2 to have as pocket change.   I mean, I’m a pretty darn good friend – I think I’m worth it!

And that got me thinking.  I think my friendship is pretty worthwhile.  I bring a lot to the table. 

So, if you happen to have some extra cash you are thinking to give to a friend or 5….

Even if you don’t really know me…

12 Reasons Why You Should Give Me Free Money

 

I update my Facebook status fairly often

  • Since we’re friends, you’ll never have to wonder what I’m up to.  This will help save you time and stress during your day, since you’ll know that I’m currently “bored at my desk” or “heading to poop – back in 30.”

I don’t give worthless holiday presents

  • You’re already rich, so you don’t need me buying you any crap.  On the crap-o-meter, holiday gifts from friends generally score fairly high, mostly because they are re-gifts from other friends from past holidays…. like that inflatable moose head you got me a couple of years back.   I’m such a good friend that this year I won’t get you anything.

I’ll write really nice things about in my blog

  • Millions upon millions Tens upon tens of people read my blog.  I’ll give you all sorts of props and tell everyone how amazingly wonderful you are.  Everyone needs some positive press, and I’m here for you.  Of course,  I won’t say anything about the money, that just stays between us mostly because if you have any extra, I don’t want those greedy bastards getting their paws on it.

I won’t write anything about you in my blog

  • Who am I kidding?  You probably don’t want any press at all, especially written by a hack like me.  Let’s keep your name out of the press and besides I’m super lazy anyway and that’ll free up some extra time so I can write another entry about important things like poop.

Loyalty

  • Unlike your heartless family, I won’t be so uncaring as to turn you into the cops or the security and exchange commission.  I mean, who really cares that you swindled like $50 billion or something like that?  Who cares that that you screwed over thousands of retirees and fruity non-profits?  In the end, that’s chump change next to all those other crafty financial firms.  The difference?  Those firms fucked my 401k, but you hooked me up big time.  I never saw a thing, you can trust me unless the reward for turning you in is more than what you gave me.  Sorry man, business is business.

I’ll let you use my place for the inaugural ball (or GF’s) for free

  • It’s the hottest ticket in DC, and you’ll have your choice of places to stay.  I’m such a good friend, in exchange for your millions of dollars, I’ll let you stay in one of our crappy apartments for free!  I’m saving you at least $350 a night right there, and I’ll even provide freshish sheets and towels that I think I washed last month.

I’ll buy you a copy of “Brewster’s Millions

  • Ok, so the movie is a bit out of date, but it’s still inspiring.  The dude (played by Richard Pryor) had to give away $30 mil in 30 days, in order to get his mega-inheritance.  It’s like your life story!  Giving money away to random people for no reason other than to get MORE money! 

I’ll set the time on your VCR

  • I don’t have many skills, but this is one of them.  I don’t know if you still use a VCR, or if anyone actually still uses a VCR, but I’m damn good at getting rid of the blinky 12:00’s.

I won’t forget your birthday

  • I have a fantastic memory for this kind of crap stuff.  Just like clockwork, each and every year I’ll send you happy birthday wishes as long as we’re friends on Facebook and I remember to log in and see whose birthday is coming up.

I know all the best free porn sites

  • Ok, fine, so you’re mega-rich, but NOTHING beats free porn.  And I know all the very best free porn sites.  I have many other friends who can vouch for this talent.  I would give you a taste of the depth of my knowledge, but “Big Brother” tracks me here at work, and I need to keep my job until your check clears.

I am a master googler

  • Looking for something and just can’t figure it out?  I am your man.  I surf the internet aimlessly research like no one’s business.  Not looking for anything?  Well then I can tell you important facts like how to change your google interface language to Elmer Fudd or Swedish Chef Speak (bork! bork! bork!).  Ee’m feeleeng loocky!

I’ll visit you in jail

  • Oh yeah, you’re going to jail.  Sorry about the dude.  Well, don’t fret, I’ll be your #1 friend and visit you all the time.  Well, except if you are sent to supermax, or any prison facility I can’t metro to.  (Correllary: find out if they offer conjugal visits with hot female inmates.  If so, I’ll be there every weekend!)

So, you see?  I’m like the greatest friend you’ve always wanted, but never had the time to find.

How’s this sound?  Let’s go out later tonight and grab a drink and catch up.  I want to hear about what’s going on in your life, ’cause it’s really been too long since we last hung out.

The first round is on me!  Just go ahead and subtract it out of that check you owe me….

My Deepest Darkest Secrets

This whole metrosexual thing really bothers me sometimes.  It’s kind of like Bon Jovi for men.  You see, most of us deny that we like Bon Jovi, yet we’re all secretly excited when “Bad Medicine” comes on the radio.  You don’t have to admit it to me, but I know you have all the words memorized.

So, why does this whole metrosexual thing bother me?  Because it conflicts with my manly-man side.  It’s really like I have multiple personalities, where half of me is like John Wayne:

 
My Deepest Darkest Secrets
 

And the other half is like Nathan Lane:

 
My Deepest Darkest Secrets
 

And the John Wayne side wants to beat the snot out of the Nathan Lane side for even considering getting a manicure.

The culmination of this internal battle royale came last night, when I did something that I may regret for the rest of my life.

I applied a facial moisturizing mask. 

Voluntarily. 

And I enjoyed it.

WAIT!

Ok, before you get all up in arms, I know that there is no acceptable excuse or explanation.  I will not try to defend myself here, but I will provide some context:  It was free, the product was made in Israel by Jews (gotta support the tribe!), GF and I did it together, and I was blackmailed by Columbian Drug Czars. 

Let the public flogging begin.

You see, I was already cringing with embarrassment when I was applying  a thin layer of paste evenly over my face while making sure I avoided the area just around my eyes. 

And then I got to thinking, while I was letting it set for 10 to 12 minutes.  (But not too intensely thinking, as to avoid inadvertently removing any paste before the time was up.) 

And then it came to me… while I was gently removing the mask with warm water.

No one really cares.

Except for me.

I alone am causing myself this stress.  My John Wayne side is embarrassed about all the girly things my Nathan Lane side likes…. and my Nathan Lane side is embarrassed about all the neanderthalish things that my John Wayne side likes.

I’ve been harboring all sorts of fears, and resentments, and embarrassments over my likes and dislikes, and it has to come to an end.  I need to come clean.  Because once it’s out in the open, I can truly feel comfortable with who am I.  I need John and Nathan to be comfortable with each other, and maybe even man-cuddle once in a while.

It’s going to be tough, I have some secrets that are so deep and dark that I shiver even thinking about admitting them in public.  But I know it must be done.  I’m doing this to improve my life, and to be an inspiration to other men in my position all over this fine planet.

So world?  I’m coming out of the closet.  NO, I’m not gay.  I’m not a metro-sexual.  I’m a metro-man-ual.

 

The 6 Confessions of Why I’m a Woman

 

Getting Clear

  • I was looking at my face one day many eons ago and I really didn’t like how clogged all my pores looked in my nose.  I thought to myself, hmm maybe I could use a piece of tape and that might help unclog them.  And then I learned there’s a product out there that does the same thing, and isn’t as harsh on the skin.  So yes, I’ve used Bioré Face Strips.

Yummy face-yness

  • It was free, and it happened in the back woods of Vermont.  I had some dude give me a face/head/neck/shoulder massage for like 30 minutes.  He used hot towels on my face.  And then he cleared all my clogged pores.  And my skin felt all soft afterward.  Yes world, it’s true.  I had a “Man Facial.”  And you know what?  I’d do it again.

I pay more than $20 for a haircut

  • I got faked into this one, because I have a friend who is a hair stylist.  One thing led to another, and suddenly I had this lady giving me head/neck massages while washing my hair.  What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a good head rub.

I love shoes

  • I can’t travel with less than 3 pairs of shoes.  In fact, I get excited when I get a DSW coupon in the mail ($20 by December 24th!).  So what if I leave the shoe store with more boxes than GF???

I like nice soap

  • No, I might not use body wash, but I love me some nice smelly soaps.  I’m not talking Irish Spring, I’m talking the good stuff you can buy at those girly stores like Bath and Body Works and the like.  It pains me to even say it, but I…. *deep breath deep breath* …. I…. know how to spell exfoliation.  And I can’t live without it.

I dig a good chick-flick

  • I recently saw “The Holiday”…… and I liked it.  In fact, I even watched the entire Sex in the City series.  Of course, I do still have a pair of testicles, so there are some lines I just can’t cross – so, I haven’t seen Steel Magnolias or Fried Green Tomatoes.  Though, I might have read “The Bridges of Madison County” and teared up.  (you like how I snuck that last fact in?  So sue me, I read it, I liked it, and I did it for a girl… that I never even hooked up with.  I sure was a sucker on that deal, eh?)

My deepest darkest secret

  • I enjoy reading People Magazine.  And Us Weekly.  Whoa.  Talk about a load off my chest.  It was getting expensive having to keep going to the doctor JUST so I could read the most recent copies. 

 

The 6 Confessions of Why I’m a Man

 

My Massive Tool…… Box

  • I own a huge tool box with just about every hand tool known to mankind.  I haven’t used half of them, but I am prepared incase just about anything breaks.  I even own a 6 inch Medium Mill Bastard File, just incase I ever have to file a bastard.  And yes, power tools give me an erection.

Size Matters

  • When it comes to multi-media products.  I have huge-ass speakers that are totally inappropriate for the size of my apartment.  But who cares?  They look great.  And no, I’m not  compensating.   Though watching action movies on a 50+ inch widescreen TV does make my balls bigger.

I Love Sports

  • If sports are on TV, I cannot tear my eyes away.  It doesn’t matter what sport it is… football, hockey, boxing, UFC, bull riding, golf, tennis, basketball, greco-roman wrestling, badminton, etc.  If it’s on, I’m watching it.  The bloodier, the better.   Multiply this by 623 when Philadelphia sports teams are on the tube.  Hell,  I even teared up when the Phillies won the world series.

I fart/burp

  • Publicly.  And take credit for my work.  That is all.

Grill me

  • I can’t really cook a lick in a kitchen, but stick me in front of a grill, and I can create a gourmet meal.  I think, genetically, all men are able to cook using fire.  It’s like a caveman thing.

I hug

  • No, not a wussy-man hug.  A MAN hug.  My only question is: who was the brilliant person who designed it?  It’s a recent development and whoever designed it needs to win a Nobel or something.   

Bonus Confession

  • I don’t use “product.”  In spite of all you’ve read above, I don’t actually own any moisturizers or anything like that I use on a regular basis… other than deodarant.  I have some sort of aftershavey type stuff, but I haven’t used it in ages.  Sometimes I feel like I really should be using some stuff, but the product aisle always confuses me.  This makes my John Wayne side happy.

So there you have it.  The cat’s out of the bag.  You now know my deepest darkest secrets. 

I’d write more about my feelings and stuff, but I don’t really have time for that right now.

The new US Weekly just came in, and I have some reading to do.

(Un)Motivation Nation

Have you ever been at your desk, with a shitload of work to do – but are completely unmotivated to do any of it?  You know you have deadlines approaching, but they aren’t quite close enough to motivate you to get on it?

Yep – that’s the problem I face just about every day.

 
(Un)Motivation Nation
 

Let’s take a look at the facts.

So, I have this job-type-thing, and apparently I get paid twice a month to show up and do it.  Or something.  I’ve heard this rumor that, if I don’t actually do my job, they’ll discontinue the whole paycheck/benefits thing.  Whoever “they” are.

I think that’s bullshit.

Especially since there’s this guy who worked for the National Institutes of Health (NIH) who did no work for like 6 or 7 years, and still got paid pretty darn well.  Now keep in mind, this is sort of old news.  The article is back from 2003, but this guy is a LEGEND. 

I love the part of the article where he explains what he did day long:

“”I’ve managed to publish a couple of books, some short story fiction, a little bit of non-fiction writing…. [and] I wound up joining a health club near the office, just to sort of to break up the day.”

How cool is that?  He became a successful author and got into really good shape, and got PAID to do it.

Ahh to work for the government.

Unfortunately, I don’t work for the government….. errr directly.  I work for a government contractor, and apparently we have different rules about quality of work and output and stuff.

So, what’s my point here?  Actually, maybe the real question is, do I ever really have a point?  NO!  But since I have an adoring blog audience who are just dying to see what stupid thing I might say next, I had to come up with some bullshit to write about today. 

My first thought was:  The 12 Best Ways to Fuck Around at Work

But we all like to fuck around in different ways, so I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do.

My next thought was:  The 12 Best Ways To Fuck Around at Work and Still Get Away With It

But again, I still run into the issue of defining how you do your fucking around.  I’m not a micro-manager.  I don’t care how you do something, as long as you provide me with the results I want.

And then I figured it out.  I realized where my true talents lay, and how I could help you out.  In the spirit of season of giving, I present:

 

The 12 Rules For Getting Away With Doing Nothing at Work

 

Make a Mess

  • I apologize now to those people who like to keep their desks anally neat.  Sorry, but you just don’t look like you are busy (plus, you might actually be doing real work, in which case, this post isn’t for you.  Go away!).  The point here is not to just look busy, it’s to make it look like you have a lot going on ALL the time.  I have all sorts of presentations and org charts and spreadsheets scattered all over my desk.  No one notices that they are months old.  I also make sure that I rustle through stuff at least once a day to make it look like I’m looking through things and they are important documents.  Tip:  If you have napkins at your desk, don’t keep them in a desk drawer – instead, store them under one of the piles.  This still keeps your napkins out of sight, and gives you a reason to go through your paperwork. 

Blog

  • I didn’t discover this fantabulous way of screwing around until just recently, and it’s one of the best ways to look productive while never actually doing anything.  No one questions what you are doing if you are creating a document in Word.  You see, if I’m writing a post while on WordPress, or an email in Google or AOL or Yahoo, you can tell pretty quickly what I’m doing.  Fucking around.  But Word?  Nope, no questions at all.  That’s why I write all my posts in Word, and I’ll even copy long articles or blog posts into it just to read them un-noticed.

Have Mom Dress You

  • You know the saying “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have?”  Screw that.  I don’t care what job you want, dress for the job you want people to think you are doing.  I over-dress for work every day.  Why?  No one wears a suit around here, but I’ll pretty much always wear either a jacket or a tie.  Why?  Because it makes me look very professional.  Not that I’m actually professional, but I sure do look it.  People in my office just assume I’m more important that I really am.  Plus, when I fart, they just think it’s the guy in the jeans next to me, because as we all know, people in suits never fart.

Deadline Your Poop

  • I work well to deadlines.  In the hour before a deadline, I’m always looking a little bit harried and crazy.  This is a good thing, because I look like I’m really busy.  To that end, I also create all sorts of other deadlines for myself, which are not work oriented.  As an example,  10:30am is my poop deadline every day.  I know that, if I don’t meet my deadline, the bathroom will become over-crowded.  Therefore, I’m always rushing around in the morning getting things done before 10:30am.  Things such as my blog reading, posting, and fantasy sports stats updating. 

Look the Part

  • Perception is reality.  It doesn’t matter what you are doing, as long as you look like you are really intense or in deep concentration, people will just assume that you are doing something important.  When you want to screw around, DON’T CHANGE YOUR BODY LANGUAGE.  I’m equally as intense when creating a powerpoint presentation as I am when I’m surfing ESPN.  It’s when you start leaning back in your chair and looking relaxed that you get in trouble, because people will just assume you are doing some e-browsing at Dealnews or some other fantastic shopping site.

Lists Lists Lists!

  • Nothing says work like a list of things to do.  I’m ALWAYS making lists.  In fact, I’ll create a list and put nice little check boxes next to it so I know when I’ve completed them.  That said, 99% of my lists include items such as: wash underwear, buy toilet paper, renew porn subscription, etc etc.  Once I’ve completed what I need to do, I check mark it, and then cross things out.  Since I’m always in my notebook writing additional “action items” and crossing them off, it makes me look like I’m constantly being productive. 

Carry a Sweet Notebook

  • Again, perception is reality.  Since you’ll be making all sorts of lists and the like, you’ll need something extra professional to write them in.  Only amateurs use Post-It notes to remind them to do things at home.  No no no!!  Post-It notes are easily readable by anyone who walks by your desk, and you don’t want them to know that you accidentally left your underwear in the washer.   Use your notebook instead – it looks great when you are writing in it, and they are inherently private – so you don’t have to worry that anyone will open it to peek at what you are not doing.  Remember – you want to look like you are working hard at all times – so only use Post-Its for work-related items.   That said, if you don’t have any important work notes to remind yourself about – make some up!  Try “spreadsheet due at 12pm” or “Meeting at 3pm, don’t forget to finish white-paper”.   Oh, and not all notebooks are created equal – so, invest in your fuck-around-time and go buy a nice one.

Book It

  • I always have some important looking books on my desk.  I can’t say that I’ve ever read them, but it makes me look like I care.  I’ve had “A Short Etymological Dictionary Of Modern English” on my desk for about 3 months now.  Why?  Because I don’t have room for it at home, so I just keep it at work to save space.  It’s not related to anything I do,  but no one really looks at the title – they just see an important looking book with some papers on top of it.  Important books equal important person.  Important people work hard.  Sensing a trend yet?

Get Intimate

  • You need to have an intimate relationship with Alt-Tab.  Learn it.  Love it.  For PC’s, Alt-Tab switches you from one window to another instantaneously.  I always set up my Alt-Tab to switch to something very business oriented should someone come by my desk to chat.  Outlook or a Powerpoint presentation are my go-to’s.  Don’t be a fool and not be prepared – the last thing you want to do when the VP walks in is Alt-Tab from blog reading to porn.

Responsivity

  • I don’t know if that’s a word, but just do it.  I’m very responsive on email.  I always write back fairly quickly.  Why?  Because writing an email doesn’t really involve any work.  Of course, there might be work associated with the email, but that doesn’t mean I have to do it right away… or at all for that matter.  People like to be heard, and so I take advantage of that need.  How do I avoid doing the work now, or doing it at all?  Continue to the next rule to find out!

Don’t Be Late – Communicate

  • People don’t really care if you do work, they just want to be acknowledged.  This is a fact.  Therefore, I am never late for deadlines… I just always extend them.  And I do it in a timely fashion.  If I have a deadline that I know is coming up, and I just don’t want to do the work associated with it, I’ll send an email to my boss hours in advance.  Generally, I’ll let him know that I won’t be able to meet the deadline, and ask if he would have a problem if I pushed it to [insert preferred date/time when I don’t have 17 other blog posts to read].  99% of the time, he’ll thank me for being honest, and tell me that the new deadline is fine.  In fact, I gain credibility because I was honest and upfront.  I’ve since gained a reputation for being timely with my work, without actually ever being timely.  Nice!

Information Sharing

  • I don’t have all the answers in life (just 99.9999% of them).  Some of you are pretty smart too.  So now it’s your turn.  How do you fuck around at work and get away with it?

Stop Hitting on Me Wouldja?

You’re embarrassing yourself.  Really.  Can’t we just have a normal conversation without you verbally caressing my nut-sack?  Don’t get me wrong, I love my nuts rubbed just as much as the next guy, but that job is already staffed, and I’m not looking to outsource.  Not to you, anyway.

Oh, excuse me.  Hello!  I didn’t see you all standing there.  Welcome back from Thanksgiving break my fellow blogosphere-weenies.  I hope you return well fed, I know I did.

I apologize that you had to be present for that conversation above, it’s really quite embarrassing.  Well, not for me.  I mean, luckily you only had to see my thoughts, you didn’t have to be exposed to the actual conversation(s).

The word that comes to mind when thinking about the conversation(s) is pedantic.  Why?  I dunno, it’s just the word that popped into my mind.  Other things that also popped into my mind during the conversation(s) were:

  • Stop being so boring
  • Why are you trying to show off?
  • How did I get myself into this?
  • Cash bars are the dumbest things ever.
  • What time I should head home on Sunday, I heard the weather was going to be bad.
  • Hmm I wonder if a new episode of Fringe on this week.
  • I love that show, too bad it’s on at the same time as the Mentalist.
  • I’m not gay, but even I think that Simon Baker is hot.
  • Hmm the chick on that show is pretty hot too… in a mean cop kind of way.  I like that.
  • Why does my ass itch so much?  I think it’s this new underwear.  Argh!

Oh, I’m sorry, what did you just say?  It’s uhhh so loud in here I had uhhh trouble hearing you…. yeah. That’s it.

I think I’m confusing you, maybe I should just start from the beginning.

So, you may or may not know this, but over the Thanksgiving holiday I attended my 15 year high school reunion.

It was scheduled for Friday evening at the local zoologically named conference center.  My date was my bff from junior high.  He prefers to remain anonymous, so let’s just refer to him as ABFF.

Anyway, we decided to show up about as early as we could, because as he said “the earlier we get there, the earlier we can leave.”  Why leave early?  Well, several reasons, but the most prominent being the reunion schedule – which was as follows:

6:30-7:30pm: Cocktail Hour

7:30-8:30pm: Dinner

8:30-11:30pm: Dancing

Since there was no way in hell that we were going to slow dance together, we decided it was in our best interest to get the hell out of Dodge when the dancing began.  We’ll touch more on this later.

We get there just a couple minutes late, and head up into the ballroom.  As we walk in, we realize that we don’t recognize a single person.  Hmmm, this could be interesting.

And then it started.

While standing in line at registration – the girl in front of us turns around.

“ToBlogOr! Hi! How are you?  Great to see you!  You look great!”  Hugs all around.

At registration:

“ToBlogOr! Wow, I can’t believe how GREAT you look!” Hug hug hug hug.

While walking around the ballroom:

“Oh my god.  ToBlogOr, is that you?  You look fantastic! You really filled out! Wow!” Hughughughughughughughughugassgrabhughughughug

And on and on and on.

Yes yes, thank you thank you.  Yes we’ve all grown up a bit since high school, haven’t we?  Nice to see you too.  So what are you doing with yourself?  Oh you still live around here?  That’s great.  Divorced? I’m sorry to hear that.  Oh yes, I work out.  Thank you.  No, I live down in DC.  Yep, I’m here until Sunday.  Oh, sorry I already have plans for the rest of the holiday.  Maybe next time.

Multiply that conversation by about 20.  In high school I was never this popular.  Of course, in high school I made Erkel look like he was on steroids.

Stop Hitting on Me Wouldja? 

The thing is, I didn’t come to the reunion to get a date.  I was there to find out how people were doing, and to get plenty of blog material.  Instead, I had to keep forcibly removing fellow high school classmates lips from my boys. 

I’m not telling you this story to gloat.  No, if I wanted to gloat I would be telling you about the results of the reproductive organ dimension competition.

No, I’m telling you this because I’m sad.  Sad that people haven’t moved on.  Sad that so many of my former classmates are stuck in the same little crappy small town where they grew up.  Sad that they haven’t branched out and explored the world.  Sad that their dating pool is still our high school class.

I was only briefly sad though. 

At least my balls were well buffed.

—————————————————-

Coming tomorrow: “Hair, Hair Everywhere!”

on our continuing saga:

Bowling for Baldness:

The ToBlogOr Reunion Story

Bing Bang Boom

And just like that, it’s over.

I didn’t realize quite how big of a commitment it was, but I was able to push through and make it happen.

NaBloPoMo? You are my biatch. 30 days, 30 posts.

In fact, I’ve actually posted 52 of the last 53 days.

Do you know what that means?

Yes, I’ve had way too much free time on my hands (and work has been really really really boring. Did I mention it’s been a bit boring lately?  If not, it has.   Been boring that is.   Get the point yet?)

And you know what?  It’s been pretty fun too.

I was going to write a big long post about my reunion today, but I think I’m going to put that on hold until tomorrow. I’ve been gone for the past 5 days, and I’ve been missed.

It’s nice being missed. And I’ve been doing some missing too.

I’m looking forward to softness and cuddlyness and warmth.

Know what I’m looking forward to?

Taking a nice long nap on my couch!! I’ve missed you honey, I’ll be home soon!!

(Yes, I’ve missed you too GF!)

See y’all tomorrow.

I love you couchie-poo!

I love you couchie-poo!