This whole metrosexual thing really bothers me sometimes. It’s kind of like Bon Jovi for men. You see, most of us deny that we like Bon Jovi, yet we’re all secretly excited when “Bad Medicine” comes on the radio. You don’t have to admit it to me, but I know you have all the words memorized.
So, why does this whole metrosexual thing bother me? Because it conflicts with my manly-man side. It’s really like I have multiple personalities, where half of me is like John Wayne:
And the other half is like Nathan Lane:
And the John Wayne side wants to beat the snot out of the Nathan Lane side for even considering getting a manicure.
The culmination of this internal battle royale came last night, when I did something that I may regret for the rest of my life.
I applied a facial moisturizing mask.
And I enjoyed it.
Ok, before you get all up in arms, I know that there is no acceptable excuse or explanation. I will not try to defend myself here, but I will provide some context: It was free, the product was made in Israel by Jews (gotta support the tribe!), GF and I did it together, and I was blackmailed by Columbian Drug Czars.
Let the public flogging begin.
You see, I was already cringing with embarrassment when I was applying a thin layer of paste evenly over my face while making sure I avoided the area just around my eyes.
And then I got to thinking, while I was letting it set for 10 to 12 minutes. (But not too intensely thinking, as to avoid inadvertently removing any paste before the time was up.)
And then it came to me… while I was gently removing the mask with warm water.
No one really cares.
Except for me.
I alone am causing myself this stress. My John Wayne side is embarrassed about all the girly things my Nathan Lane side likes…. and my Nathan Lane side is embarrassed about all the neanderthalish things that my John Wayne side likes.
I’ve been harboring all sorts of fears, and resentments, and embarrassments over my likes and dislikes, and it has to come to an end. I need to come clean. Because once it’s out in the open, I can truly feel comfortable with who am I. I need John and Nathan to be comfortable with each other, and maybe even man-cuddle once in a while.
It’s going to be tough, I have some secrets that are so deep and dark that I shiver even thinking about admitting them in public. But I know it must be done. I’m doing this to improve my life, and to be an inspiration to other men in my position all over this fine planet.
So world? I’m coming out of the closet. NO, I’m not gay. I’m not a metro-sexual. I’m a metro-man-ual.
The 6 Confessions of Why I’m a Woman
- I was looking at my face one day many eons ago and I really didn’t like how clogged all my pores looked in my nose. I thought to myself, hmm maybe I could use a piece of tape and that might help unclog them. And then I learned there’s a product out there that does the same thing, and isn’t as harsh on the skin. So yes, I’ve used Bioré Face Strips.
- It was free, and it happened in the back woods of Vermont. I had some dude give me a face/head/neck/shoulder massage for like 30 minutes. He used hot towels on my face. And then he cleared all my clogged pores. And my skin felt all soft afterward. Yes world, it’s true. I had a “Man Facial.” And you know what? I’d do it again.
I pay more than $20 for a haircut
- I got faked into this one, because I have a friend who is a hair stylist. One thing led to another, and suddenly I had this lady giving me head/neck massages while washing my hair. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a good head rub.
I love shoes
- I can’t travel with less than 3 pairs of shoes. In fact, I get excited when I get a DSW coupon in the mail ($20 by December 24th!). So what if I leave the shoe store with more boxes than GF???
I like nice soap
- No, I might not use body wash, but I love me some nice smelly soaps. I’m not talking Irish Spring, I’m talking the good stuff you can buy at those girly stores like Bath and Body Works and the like. It pains me to even say it, but I…. *deep breath deep breath* …. I…. know how to spell exfoliation. And I can’t live without it.
I dig a good chick-flick
- I recently saw “The Holiday”…… and I liked it. In fact, I even watched the entire Sex in the City series. Of course, I do still have a pair of testicles, so there are some lines I just can’t cross – so, I haven’t seen Steel Magnolias or Fried Green Tomatoes. Though, I might have read “The Bridges of Madison County” and teared up. (you like how I snuck that last fact in? So sue me, I read it, I liked it, and I did it for a girl… that I never even hooked up with. I sure was a sucker on that deal, eh?)
My deepest darkest secret
- I enjoy reading People Magazine. And Us Weekly. Whoa. Talk about a load off my chest. It was getting expensive having to keep going to the doctor JUST so I could read the most recent copies.
The 6 Confessions of Why I’m a Man
My Massive Tool…… Box
- I own a huge tool box with just about every hand tool known to mankind. I haven’t used half of them, but I am prepared incase just about anything breaks. I even own a 6 inch Medium Mill Bastard File, just incase I ever have to file a bastard. And yes, power tools give me an erection.
- When it comes to multi-media products. I have huge-ass speakers that are totally inappropriate for the size of my apartment. But who cares? They look great. And no, I’m not compensating. Though watching action movies on a 50+ inch widescreen TV does make my balls bigger.
I Love Sports
- If sports are on TV, I cannot tear my eyes away. It doesn’t matter what sport it is… football, hockey, boxing, UFC, bull riding, golf, tennis, basketball, greco-roman wrestling, badminton, etc. If it’s on, I’m watching it. The bloodier, the better. Multiply this by 623 when Philadelphia sports teams are on the tube. Hell, I even teared up when the Phillies won the world series.
- Publicly. And take credit for my work. That is all.
- I can’t really cook a lick in a kitchen, but stick me in front of a grill, and I can create a gourmet meal. I think, genetically, all men are able to cook using fire. It’s like a caveman thing.
- No, not a wussy-man hug. A MAN hug. My only question is: who was the brilliant person who designed it? It’s a recent development and whoever designed it needs to win a Nobel or something.
- I don’t use “product.” In spite of all you’ve read above, I don’t actually own any moisturizers or anything like that I use on a regular basis… other than deodarant. I have some sort of aftershavey type stuff, but I haven’t used it in ages. Sometimes I feel like I really should be using some stuff, but the product aisle always confuses me. This makes my John Wayne side happy.
So there you have it. The cat’s out of the bag. You now know my deepest darkest secrets.
I’d write more about my feelings and stuff, but I don’t really have time for that right now.
The new US Weekly just came in, and I have some reading to do.