I need better friends. I love y’all out there, but really, I need you to start stepping up to the plate a little bit more and do your part.
I need friends like Bernard Madoff.
You know that guy – he’s been in the news all week with the whole money scandal thingie.
Ok ok, so the guy might not exactly be the most honest or forthright guy, but that doesn’t make him a bad friend. You see, apparently he was just about to turn himself in when the police got him. The only reason he hadn’t turned himself in yet is that he had an extra $200 or $300 million left over that he wanted to split up among family, friends, and some staff.
WHAT THE FUCK??
Why can’t I have friends like this?
I mean, little ole ToBlogOr wouldn’t mind an extra mil or 2 to have as pocket change. I mean, I’m a pretty darn good friend – I think I’m worth it!
And that got me thinking. I think my friendship is pretty worthwhile. I bring a lot to the table.
So, if you happen to have some extra cash you are thinking to give to a friend or 5….
Even if you don’t really know me…
12 Reasons Why You Should Give Me Free Money
I update my Facebook status fairly often
- Since we’re friends, you’ll never have to wonder what I’m up to. This will help save you time and stress during your day, since you’ll know that I’m currently “bored at my desk” or “heading to poop – back in 30.”
I don’t give worthless holiday presents
- You’re already rich, so you don’t need me buying you any crap. On the crap-o-meter, holiday gifts from friends generally score fairly high, mostly because they are re-gifts from other friends from past holidays…. like that inflatable moose head you got me a couple of years back. I’m such a good friend that this year I won’t get you anything.
I’ll write really nice things about in my blog
- Millions upon millions Tens upon tens of people read my blog. I’ll give you all sorts of props and tell everyone how amazingly wonderful you are. Everyone needs some positive press, and I’m here for you. Of course, I won’t say anything about the money, that just stays between us mostly because if you have any extra, I don’t want those greedy bastards getting their paws on it.
I won’t write anything about you in my blog
- Who am I kidding? You probably don’t want any press at all, especially written by a hack like me. Let’s keep your name out of the press and besides I’m super lazy anyway and that’ll free up some extra time so I can write another entry about important things like poop.
- Unlike your heartless family, I won’t be so uncaring as to turn you into the cops or the security and exchange commission. I mean, who really cares that you swindled like $50 billion or something like that? Who cares that that you screwed over thousands of retirees and fruity non-profits? In the end, that’s chump change next to all those other crafty financial firms. The difference? Those firms fucked my 401k, but you hooked me up big time. I never saw a thing, you can trust me unless the reward for turning you in is more than what you gave me. Sorry man, business is business.
I’ll let you use my place for the inaugural ball (or GF’s) for free
- It’s the hottest ticket in DC, and you’ll have your choice of places to stay. I’m such a good friend, in exchange for your millions of dollars, I’ll let you stay in one of our crappy apartments for free! I’m saving you at least $350 a night right there, and I’ll even provide freshish sheets and towels that I think I washed last month.
I’ll buy you a copy of “Brewster’s Millions“
- Ok, so the movie is a bit out of date, but it’s still inspiring. The dude (played by Richard Pryor) had to give away $30 mil in 30 days, in order to get his mega-inheritance. It’s like your life story! Giving money away to random people for no reason other than to get MORE money!
I’ll set the time on your VCR
- I don’t have many skills, but this is one of them. I don’t know if you still use a VCR, or if anyone actually still uses a VCR, but I’m damn good at getting rid of the blinky 12:00’s.
I won’t forget your birthday
- I have a fantastic memory for this kind of crap stuff. Just like clockwork, each and every year I’ll send you happy birthday wishes as long as we’re friends on Facebook and I remember to log in and see whose birthday is coming up.
I know all the best free porn sites
- Ok, fine, so you’re mega-rich, but NOTHING beats free porn. And I know all the very best free porn sites. I have many other friends who can vouch for this talent. I would give you a taste of the depth of my knowledge, but “Big Brother” tracks me here at work, and I need to keep my job until your check clears.
I am a master googler
- Looking for something and just can’t figure it out? I am your man. I surf the internet aimlessly research like no one’s business. Not looking for anything? Well then I can tell you important facts like how to change your google interface language to Elmer Fudd or Swedish Chef Speak (bork! bork! bork!). Ee’m feeleeng loocky!
I’ll visit you in jail
- Oh yeah, you’re going to jail. Sorry about the dude. Well, don’t fret, I’ll be your #1 friend and visit you all the time. Well, except if you are sent to supermax, or any prison facility I can’t metro to. (Correllary: find out if they offer conjugal visits with hot female inmates. If so, I’ll be there every weekend!)
So, you see? I’m like the greatest friend you’ve always wanted, but never had the time to find.
How’s this sound? Let’s go out later tonight and grab a drink and catch up. I want to hear about what’s going on in your life, ’cause it’s really been too long since we last hung out.
The first round is on me! Just go ahead and subtract it out of that check you owe me….