Tag Archives: Funny

TMI Thursday: Attack of the Feminine Product

And yes.  I’m male.

So I’m sitting at my desk chatting with a whole bunch of co-workers.  I turn my chair and my coat falls on the ground.

Female Coworker: “Hey, your coat fell, you might want to pick it up.”

Me: “Oh thanks!”

So I grab my coat and pick it up and hang it on the back of my chair.

The room suddenly gets really quiet.

So I turn around, and notice everyone staring, mouth agape, at the floor under my chair.

After an awkward pause.

FC: “Uhh, is that what I think it is?”

Fuck.  What did I just drop?  A condom?  Did I have a bottle of lube in my pocket?  A vibrator?  A 12 inch dildo?  Shitshitshitshitshit what did I have in that coat??????

I look down…. and the blood rushes from my head.

Keeping in mind that there are now 5 of my co-workers standing around….

And there, sitting on the floor, under my chair was…..

a tampon.

It was very clear to the entire room that the tampon came from my coat.  There was no other explanation.

Uhhhh what do I say? Err uhhh I get really bad nose bleeds a lot and so I keep it around just incase? No no no they won’t buy that.  Uhhh I have a tendency to crap my pants, so when I’m really really nervous I pop it on in just incase?  Yuck.  No.  Uhhhh shit I’m running out of time.  Quick! What’s the excuse here?????

So, I did the only thing I could think of at that moment:  I said oops yep, picked it up, and put it right back in my inside pocket in my jacket as if this was completely normal.

Keeping in mind that my face was 17 shades of red.

I guess I must have shoved one in my pocket for GF at some point in the past and forgotten about it.  Can we all say “whooooooops” together now?

Oh well.  I guess it could have always been worse.

It could have been used.

(Pause for “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwws”)

ToBlogOr's Pocket Buddy

ToBlogOr's Pocket Buddy

But wait, there’s more!

In honor of TMI Thursday – I am posting a list of my favorite TMI Search terms from this past week.  Keep in mind, not only were these people searching for these disgusting things…. they found MY blog using them.

TMI Thursday: Search Terms Edition

  • how long it takes to poop out food
  • naked hairy man on bed
  • two muscular hairy guys fucking
  • men with really hairy butts
  • smurf asshole
  • i have hair everywhere
  • i have a hard time passing my poop out
  • hairy balls porn
  • what do genital crabs look like
  • i hate pooping in public bathrooms (Amen brotha!)
  • suck a christmas dick
  • old farts on bicycles
  • fat ball sack
  • gay hairy asshole
  • “i had bad gas” fart
  • gravity and pooping
  • how long it takes you to poop
  • how long to push for pooping
  • sexy bathroom poop
  • toilet paper stuck in crack
  • hairy muscle gay bears
  • guys poop more then women
  • how to get rid of little bitches
  • hair continues down neck women hairy
  • why does my girlfriend act like a little bitch

And my favorite for the week:

  • do all dogs have hairy ass holes

So, with that, I wish you all a fabulously fantastic TMI Thursday!


Spank Me, I’m Naughty!

I’m a bad person.  Not so bad as to say, be sent to be somebody’s butt buddy in prison….. buuuuuut perhaps just bad enough to receive a swift smack in the ass once in a while.

I don’t mind though.  Why?  Because if someone is going to spank me, then I’m allowed to give them a good spanking back…. and who doesn’t enjoy a good spanking once in a while? 

Apparently there’s quite a debate on each side of the issue, which I would love to weigh in on, but unfortunately, my company has blocked my every attempt to learn more about the issue.  Apparently someone IN MANAGEMENT (I’m looking at you!) needs a good spanking!!

So, I can’t vouch for it, but if you are interested in this topic, feel free to go here, and let me know if there are any pictures of naked boobies. I did discover this little beauty of a story at “Marie Claire” that involves a wussy guy getting spanked at a strip club. 

So where was I?

Oh yes, I’m naughty.

How naughty might you wonder? 


The 12 Reasons Why I Need a Spanking


I use my DVR to skip commercials

  • What can I say?  I don’t like watching really bad holiday commercials over and over and over and over again.  If I hear the “Every kiss begins with Kay” jingle one more time, someone’s gonna pay.  If networks still ran commercials like this one, I might actually consider watching ’em more often.

I reused a stamp once

  • This is a hard one to admit, since it’s sort of actually really kind of illegal.  I think the post office just sort of forgot to mark it up, and well, I was really lazy and didn’t feel like dragging my ass out to the Post Office in a bind and really really needed a stamp for my Playboy subscription renewal letter a really important document.

I threw out a soda can instead of recycling it

  • I  was walking on the street and there wasn’t a recycling bin around.  I knew I should have just stuck it in my laptop bag, but well, who really wants a dirty can dripping all over their laptop?  I deserve an extra spanking because, when I threw out the can, I justified it by thinking “hmm, well that’ll just get picked up later by a random bum anyhow.”

I copied a friend’s Menudo cd so I could listen to it in my car

  • I’ve been worried that the music industry will sue the hell out of me ever since that fateful day.  And yes, I should be spanked extra hard for just mentioning Menudo.

Spank Me, I'm Naughty!

I use pictures on my blog without getting permission

  • I could ask permission, but I’m in a hurry, and really who wants to wait several weeks while I get my lawyers to talk to your lawyers and blah blah blah.  I want my Menudo picture, and I want it NOW.  (But seriously, how awesome is that picture??)

I accidentally took a picture of my girlfriend’s boobs once (or twice)

  • I swear it was accidental.  I swear that I deleted it immediately after I downloaded it to my private collection for future viewing ward.

I took 2 samples of the fudge when I was grocery shopping at Harris Teeter

  • I just couldn’t resist.  I was hungry.  It was tasty.  No one was looking. 

I accidentally threw out a tray at the cafeteria… and didn’t retrieve it out of the garbage can

  • I had all good intentions of putting it back, but then I got distracted and accidentally dropped it right on in.  And c’mon, do you really expect me to reach my arm down into that disgusting trash can and fish it out?  I’d rather be spanked with a spiked paddle, thankyouverymuch.

I parked in a “compact car only” spot, even though my car is clearly not “compact”

  • Why are all the best spots always reserved for people who are “handicapped” or have really freakin’ small cars?  I mean, what about us with bigger cars?  Screw y’all – the spot looks big enough, so I’m taking it.  And besides,  the model I drive was compact back in ’82, so I’m grandfathered in.

Spank Me, I'm Naughty!

I made a right turn on red at 7:12am at a corner where there was a sign that said “No Right Turn 7am – 7pm”

  • Turning right on red is a 1st amendment right, so those signs are unconstitutional.  Why?  Freedom of religion.  Mostly because I religiously cut people off.

I used my company phone to make a long distance phone call

  • Apparently this is stealing or something…. but I don’t want to use up all my minutes while I’m sitting at work.  I mean, I have this perfectly wonderfully functional phone sitting in front of me, so why shouldn’t I use it?  And have you seen the long distance rates for calling Sri Lanka on a cell phone??? Jeez!

I bought food for my company potluck

  •  And unwrapped it and put it in a nice bowl, and told everyone it was my mother’s secret recipe.  In fact, I have a potluck today, and I’m bringing a traditional Philly delicacy for everyone to try.

I guess I know what list Santa has me on this yeah, eh?  Luckily I’m a Jew, so I don’t have to worry about that whole coal thing.   And since Arjewtino is already intimately familiar with my ass – I know I’ll be getting my payback for all my sins soon.

Speaking of Arjewtino, here’s a guy who REALLY deserves a good spanking.

So what have you done to deserve a spanking?

My Deepest Darkest Secrets

This whole metrosexual thing really bothers me sometimes.  It’s kind of like Bon Jovi for men.  You see, most of us deny that we like Bon Jovi, yet we’re all secretly excited when “Bad Medicine” comes on the radio.  You don’t have to admit it to me, but I know you have all the words memorized.

So, why does this whole metrosexual thing bother me?  Because it conflicts with my manly-man side.  It’s really like I have multiple personalities, where half of me is like John Wayne:

My Deepest Darkest Secrets

And the other half is like Nathan Lane:

My Deepest Darkest Secrets

And the John Wayne side wants to beat the snot out of the Nathan Lane side for even considering getting a manicure.

The culmination of this internal battle royale came last night, when I did something that I may regret for the rest of my life.

I applied a facial moisturizing mask. 


And I enjoyed it.


Ok, before you get all up in arms, I know that there is no acceptable excuse or explanation.  I will not try to defend myself here, but I will provide some context:  It was free, the product was made in Israel by Jews (gotta support the tribe!), GF and I did it together, and I was blackmailed by Columbian Drug Czars. 

Let the public flogging begin.

You see, I was already cringing with embarrassment when I was applying  a thin layer of paste evenly over my face while making sure I avoided the area just around my eyes. 

And then I got to thinking, while I was letting it set for 10 to 12 minutes.  (But not too intensely thinking, as to avoid inadvertently removing any paste before the time was up.) 

And then it came to me… while I was gently removing the mask with warm water.

No one really cares.

Except for me.

I alone am causing myself this stress.  My John Wayne side is embarrassed about all the girly things my Nathan Lane side likes…. and my Nathan Lane side is embarrassed about all the neanderthalish things that my John Wayne side likes.

I’ve been harboring all sorts of fears, and resentments, and embarrassments over my likes and dislikes, and it has to come to an end.  I need to come clean.  Because once it’s out in the open, I can truly feel comfortable with who am I.  I need John and Nathan to be comfortable with each other, and maybe even man-cuddle once in a while.

It’s going to be tough, I have some secrets that are so deep and dark that I shiver even thinking about admitting them in public.  But I know it must be done.  I’m doing this to improve my life, and to be an inspiration to other men in my position all over this fine planet.

So world?  I’m coming out of the closet.  NO, I’m not gay.  I’m not a metro-sexual.  I’m a metro-man-ual.


The 6 Confessions of Why I’m a Woman


Getting Clear

  • I was looking at my face one day many eons ago and I really didn’t like how clogged all my pores looked in my nose.  I thought to myself, hmm maybe I could use a piece of tape and that might help unclog them.  And then I learned there’s a product out there that does the same thing, and isn’t as harsh on the skin.  So yes, I’ve used Bioré Face Strips.

Yummy face-yness

  • It was free, and it happened in the back woods of Vermont.  I had some dude give me a face/head/neck/shoulder massage for like 30 minutes.  He used hot towels on my face.  And then he cleared all my clogged pores.  And my skin felt all soft afterward.  Yes world, it’s true.  I had a “Man Facial.”  And you know what?  I’d do it again.

I pay more than $20 for a haircut

  • I got faked into this one, because I have a friend who is a hair stylist.  One thing led to another, and suddenly I had this lady giving me head/neck massages while washing my hair.  What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a good head rub.

I love shoes

  • I can’t travel with less than 3 pairs of shoes.  In fact, I get excited when I get a DSW coupon in the mail ($20 by December 24th!).  So what if I leave the shoe store with more boxes than GF???

I like nice soap

  • No, I might not use body wash, but I love me some nice smelly soaps.  I’m not talking Irish Spring, I’m talking the good stuff you can buy at those girly stores like Bath and Body Works and the like.  It pains me to even say it, but I…. *deep breath deep breath* …. I…. know how to spell exfoliation.  And I can’t live without it.

I dig a good chick-flick

  • I recently saw “The Holiday”…… and I liked it.  In fact, I even watched the entire Sex in the City series.  Of course, I do still have a pair of testicles, so there are some lines I just can’t cross – so, I haven’t seen Steel Magnolias or Fried Green Tomatoes.  Though, I might have read “The Bridges of Madison County” and teared up.  (you like how I snuck that last fact in?  So sue me, I read it, I liked it, and I did it for a girl… that I never even hooked up with.  I sure was a sucker on that deal, eh?)

My deepest darkest secret

  • I enjoy reading People Magazine.  And Us Weekly.  Whoa.  Talk about a load off my chest.  It was getting expensive having to keep going to the doctor JUST so I could read the most recent copies. 


The 6 Confessions of Why I’m a Man


My Massive Tool…… Box

  • I own a huge tool box with just about every hand tool known to mankind.  I haven’t used half of them, but I am prepared incase just about anything breaks.  I even own a 6 inch Medium Mill Bastard File, just incase I ever have to file a bastard.  And yes, power tools give me an erection.

Size Matters

  • When it comes to multi-media products.  I have huge-ass speakers that are totally inappropriate for the size of my apartment.  But who cares?  They look great.  And no, I’m not  compensating.   Though watching action movies on a 50+ inch widescreen TV does make my balls bigger.

I Love Sports

  • If sports are on TV, I cannot tear my eyes away.  It doesn’t matter what sport it is… football, hockey, boxing, UFC, bull riding, golf, tennis, basketball, greco-roman wrestling, badminton, etc.  If it’s on, I’m watching it.  The bloodier, the better.   Multiply this by 623 when Philadelphia sports teams are on the tube.  Hell,  I even teared up when the Phillies won the world series.

I fart/burp

  • Publicly.  And take credit for my work.  That is all.

Grill me

  • I can’t really cook a lick in a kitchen, but stick me in front of a grill, and I can create a gourmet meal.  I think, genetically, all men are able to cook using fire.  It’s like a caveman thing.

I hug

  • No, not a wussy-man hug.  A MAN hug.  My only question is: who was the brilliant person who designed it?  It’s a recent development and whoever designed it needs to win a Nobel or something.   

Bonus Confession

  • I don’t use “product.”  In spite of all you’ve read above, I don’t actually own any moisturizers or anything like that I use on a regular basis… other than deodarant.  I have some sort of aftershavey type stuff, but I haven’t used it in ages.  Sometimes I feel like I really should be using some stuff, but the product aisle always confuses me.  This makes my John Wayne side happy.

So there you have it.  The cat’s out of the bag.  You now know my deepest darkest secrets. 

I’d write more about my feelings and stuff, but I don’t really have time for that right now.

The new US Weekly just came in, and I have some reading to do.

Oprah Pissing Makes Me Hard

I had some real excitement on that first date.  And I don’t mean “excitement” in a good way.  I mean that it in the, oh-shit-I’m-about-to-be-really-embarrassed-and-people-will-talk-about-this-for-years-to-come-and-I’ll-never-live-it-down kind of way.

Or I’ll just harbor the embarrassment for 10 years and blog about it when I can finally find it amusing.

The year is 1998, and I had just moved down to the DC area.  I didn’t really know a whole lot of people, but I was kinda social and ended up meeting a gal through a co-worker at a happy hour.   She was fun.  She was attractive.  She was interesting.  And she apparently really liked tall geeky dudes.  Saweeeeeeeeet.

So…. almost exactly 10 years ago I grew a set of balls and asked her out.

I was young and hadn’t really dated a whole lot before, so I was pretty stoked about the whole thing.

Our first date?  A movie.

Yes yes yes ok ok yes I know I know, I violated one of my own rules – but I hadn’t created the rules list yet, ok?  Get off my back.

So, we meet up at the super classy Centreville Multiplex Cinemas to see “Beloved” – a movie that includes a scene with Oprah Winfrey peeing standing up.  Ok ok, maybe not the best 1st date movie, but I think LiLu would approve.

Anyway, so we find our seats, and have a nice little chit-chat beforehand.  Since we didn’t have any dinner beforehand, it was a good time to get to know each other a little bit better.  It worked out well since the movie started about 30 minutes late, because they apparently forgot to “turn it on.”

But I digress.

So, the lights dim, and we’re sitting there, practically alone in the theater, watching a pretty deep movie about slaves and stuff.

And then it happened.

She touched me.

Apparently this is what happens when you go on a date with someone who likes you.  They touch you.  In completely inappropriate places.  Like on my hand.  AND my arm.

Holyshitholyshitholyshit She’s touching me.  What do I do?  Do I hold her hand?  Do I touch her back?  Do I just grab her boob now and get it over with?  Argh!

So we’re sitting here watching this movie, and I’m internally freaking out because I’m completely clueless.  And excited.  And nervous.

And I have a huge boner.

Fuck! Go away! Stop it! What are you DOING?? This is NOT a sexy movie!  We just saw Oprah Winfrey piss standing up.  And it wasn’t a sexy piss either!  Argh! She’s gonna think I’m a freak because I’m all hard over Oprah.  FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

Yeah.  I had a HUGE problem.  (and yes, I mean huge *wink wink* )

Firstly, here I am on a first date and I’ve popped a major woody.  Secondly, I had absolutely no way to hide it.  I was wearing a nice flannel shirt, tucked into my acid washed jeans (shut UP, it was 1998 ok???).  It was so obvious I could have just hung a flag from it and we could have all said the pledge of allegience to my crotch.

The Star Spangled Crotch

The Star Spangled Crotch

What the hell do I do?  I don’t want to let go of her hand or accidentally push her away – I like her!  But at the same time, if she sees this, is she going to still like me?  Probably not.

I make the executive decision and shift a bit in my seat.

Ooof.  Ok.  that’s a bit better.  You can’t really see it anymore…. but errgh now my leg is starting to go numb.  Crap.

So, as you can see, this date is going really well by now.

You may not know this about guys, but when we get….er…. excited, it sets off a chain of events that cannot be stopped.  Step 2 of surgation is the release of a small amount of lubricatory liquid.  This is unavoidable.  In normal circumstances, undergarments are enough of a barrier to keep things on the down-low.  But not when your jimmy is straining at your zipper.

Wet spot.


I try to subtly blow on my crotchel region.  That said, in public it is not possible to subtly blow on your groin and still have it be either 1: subtle or 2: effective.

The spot keeps growing and I start realizing that I’m really in trouble here.  At this point, I start to think that I might be better off if I had just crapped my pants instead.  Maybe not.

Anyway, let’s recap.

We are an hour into date #1.  The girl is touching me completely inappropriately, I have a stiffy the size of the Washington Memorial, and keeping with the DC theme, an appropriately placed “tidal basin.”  Did I mention that I had completely lost feeling in my left leg about 20 minutes earlier?

I figured I had three choices at this point.

  1. Fake death.  If I just slump over and die, maybe she would just get up and leave.  Or when she called 911 and the ambulances comes, I can just explain the wet-spot away as a side-effect from the massive heart attack I apparently had.
  2. Crawl to the bathroom and try to fix things.  Have you ever seen a movie theater floor though??  Yeah, this one was out immediately.
  3. Hope God hears my pleas for help and things clear up before the lights come back up.

Being the optimist I am, I vote for #3.

Another hour goes by, and things don’t get any better.  I try to shift around in my seat, but nothing works.  The wet-spot has subsided a bit, but in its stead, I now have a nasty looking stain.  And both of my legs have fallen asleep.

Hello God, it’s me ToBlogOr.  Why do you only help that Margaret chick?  This isn’t FUNNY ANYMORE.

The movie ends.

[Insert continuous stream of expletives]

I convince her to stay and watch the credits with me… because I really want to know who the assistant 2nd grip is.  Plus, hopefully the extra time will help me formulate a real plan.  A plan that will help me get out of this situation with at least a shred of dignity.  A plan that involves never having to stand up ever again.

We sit…. we wait…… she keeps petting my arm….. I keep sweating….. and bulging….

The credits are winding down, and I’m running out of excuses as to why we have to stay….

Marty Elfalan …. assistant accountant
Pablo Ferro …. title designer: main title sequence
Peg Flynn …. office and stage production assistant
Elena Gavrilova …. assistant: Rachel Portman
Bob George …. invaluable assistance

Invaluable assistance.  heh heh Nice title buddy.  Hmmm… actually. I could really use some invaluable assistance right now….

And then I saw a bright light…

God? Is that you?  Are you coming to save me?  Bob George??????

But no, it was just the theater lights coming back on, and I was on my own.

My date stands up, and I am royally fuck-a-doo’ed.

I start to stand up…. and I do the only thing that came to my head….

I start humping her leg.

Just kidding.

I try to nonchalantly un-tuck my shirt.  It’s a bit awkward, but it gets the job done.  Sort of.

Of course, at this point, she doesn’t really care about my crotch.  Why?  Because both my legs are completely asleep and I have to lean on her for support as we limp out of the movie theater.

Maybe Bob George really did have a plan, since she just ended up thinking I was cute with my whole invalid act… and she agreed to go out with me again

Of course, our 2nd date involved seeing “What Dreams May Come” which is about a guy who dies, and his wife commits suicide…

More hard-ons?

That’s a story for another day…

And another set of underwear.

The Weekly Search Post

Ever use google to find something?  People search for all sorts of interesting things, and sometimes those searches lead them to my blog.  I can see what those search terms are, and they always amuse me.  The thing is,  I’ve always wondered…. who were the people searching, and what were the answers they were looking for?

So, just for the hell of it – here’s the complete list of this week’s search terms with my answers to those questions.

boobs – Apparently someone British was doing a search for stupid people

funny shit – My blog is full of funny posts about poop, so it’s natural that this search would lead here.

smurf porn – Oy. I knew this was coming when I posted something about the freaks of this world. Ok people, here’s your moment in the sun. Go ahead and rejoice.

phillies world series – Yeaaaah baby. Obviously someone who has great taste in sports teams.

sexy smurf – Hmmm another freak. There’s a lot of closet freaks in this country, so whatever.

worst places in dc – Someone who is in a bad relationship and looking to break it off. I can see it now, “Hey honey, you wanna go out tonight? I heard that you can see some great stars at the garbage dump in South East!”

jesus shits the bed – Ok, so say you shit the bed, and say you get razzed about it incessantly. Wouldn’t it make sense that it would make you feel better to know that Jesus also shit his bed once? I can just see it now, “He shit his bed to save all the rest of the world’s bed shitters.” Hmm I may have just offended all the Christians who read my blog. Nice.

penis poking out – hasn’t everyone gotten caught accidentally walking down the hall in the office with their penis poking out of their pants once? Errr….

best place to get laid dc – Someone who obviously hasn’t gotten laid in a while. It’s not about the place buddy, it’s about the participants…. though they might have been seeking out a hooker, in which case, I think you’re out of luck.

porn smurfs – Again? Really??? C’mon people. It’s enough already, you’re starting to gross me out.

the smurfs porn – What. The. Fuck. Are smurfs really that sexy? Really? Apparently there’s a little blue dick fetish out there that I was unfamiliar with.

smurfette porn – ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Are the smurfs even ON TV anymore???? How do these people find my blog? What the hell! Go away! (unless you’ve found some good smurf porn, then you should email me…)

public bathroom poop – Someone who obviously agrees with my philosophy.

guy stars that wear skinny jeans – have bad taste in fashion. like having their balls smushed. actually have no testicles. C’mon buddy…. stop trying to justify why you bought the jeans…. and go BURN THEM.

toblogor – Obviously someone searching for a stunningly handsome and gloriously funny man with a huge reproductive organ.

funny shit at the gym – I’m not sure what’s going on here, but there’s nothing funny about shitting at the gym.

best places in dc for sex in public – This person is the opposite of the one from above. Why? Because they obviously have a significant other and are looking for a fun time. I would recommend a spot in the garden at Tudor Place during the day, and in the gardens around the National Cathedral at night.

mens skinny jeans – Ok. Seriously now. Stop searching for this crap. Just Say NO.

the real reason why obama won – Someone who agrees with me that the voting process had no impact on why Obama won.

necrophiliac – Not here. Not now. Not ever.

psycho murderer – Who told you? Damnit, I’m going to have to relocate to Miami with my buddy Dexter.

horse gum – I’m not even sure what to say about this one. I didn’t know horses chewed gum. I mean, I was always told never to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I guess it could be chewing some sugar-free orbit and I’d never know.

toll booth boobs – doesn’t everyone hope the toll booth lady will flash them too?

worst whore – Madeline Albright. That’s my choice.

Search Terms Explained

phillies win the world series – Yeah baby!! Suck it Met’s fans! SUCK. IT. haha

fuuny as shit – your lack of spelling skills.

finnish christmas bazaar, washington dc – What? Someone actually searched for this? Really?

what is making out – Ok Mr. Middle Schooler, I’ll tell you. it’s when you shove your tongue as far down a chick’s throat as you possibly can get it. Trust me, she’ll love it.

make secret stash – not anymore you apparently won’t.

“classy and naked” – well shit, I want to know the answer to this one…. though at the moment it could be the answer to the question “what is GF right now?” heh heh *smack* Ouch!

hot older lady – you better not have been searching for pictures of my mother or I’ll kick your ass. Hmm my answer would probably be….. uhh….. Miley Cyrus? What? Ok… hmmmm I’m sticking with Demi Moore for today.

huge turd – Oooh this is an easy one…. this was someone who was interested in what I’m going to do with the rest of my morning!

And that completes your ToBlogOr search terms explanation for this week. Have a great Saturday!

McCain/Palin Ticket Influences Possible Husband-icide

Welcome to I Hate Stupid People – Politics Edition….

So, let’s say that you and your wife are about to give birth to your 3rd child

Let’s say you agree on a name… perhaps something like “Ava Grace”

Let’s say that your wife then goes through hours and hours of painful labor and gives birth to your daughter

And now, let’s say that, while your wife is under the influence of some heavy drugs while recovering from CHILD BIRTH, you decide to secretly change your new daughters name to…..

Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak

If that doesn’t prove your dumbassness enough, you decide that BEFORE you tell your wife about your moronic actions, you have a friendly little interview with the press and tell THEM all about it.

Think this is too good to be true? NOPE!

Carter County man surprises wife, names baby Sarah McCain Palin

Published 10/13/2008 By Kevin Castle

People can be passionate about their politics. Consider, for example, the name given to a baby girl born last weekend to a Carter County couple: Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak.While that’s the name father Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton put on documents for his baby girl’s birth certificate, it isn’t the name he and his wife originally agreed on. And it isn’t the name his wife, Layla, thought the baby was given.

“We actually came up with the name Ava Grace, and I secretively went and got another set of forms to send to (Social Security officials and the Tennessee Department of Health), and as of this time, she (Layla) still doesn’t realize what I’ve done. I haven’t broken the news to her yet,” Ciptak said.

“As of right now, I’m just trying to get up enough nerve to tell her what I’ve done and hope for the best. I hope I’m still living to tell the tale tomorrow. She thought it was a done deal with Ava Grace.

“Only some friends and family members who I have called for prayer support know at this point.”

Later in the day, Mark did break the news to Layla.

“I don’t think she believes me yet. It’s going to take some more convincing,” he said.

Mountain States Health Alliance spokesman James Watson said Monday he double-checked the records that were signed by the parents for the birth certificate name.

“I just got through looking at the (papers), and you can tell where the father signed the name of the baby. It’s in his handwriting. But both of the parents’ signatures are on the document, and that is what is on its way to Nashville,” Watson said.

Mark Ciptak, a blood bank employee for a local chapter of the American Red Cross, said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to “encourage somebody” and “to get the word out” about the campaign.

“I took one for the cause,” said Ciptak. “I can’t give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little. Is this going to change the course of the election? I doubt it. But it’s something that I did to help out the campaign and the cause. … This is a little token to the McCain camp, and we are strong supporters of that ticket.”

Ciptak said he and his wife were both procrastinators when they named their other two children. Their last child did not receive his name until a week and a half after he was born.

“We actually had to call (health department) officials in Nashville to change the paperwork after that because we wanted to change his middle name,” Ciptak said.

“We have Annika and Isaiah, so (the names) kind of flow, so we wanted this one to flow. … So the best we came up with in the hospital was Ava. It’s going to have to stick. We both like it, and that is more than likely going to be it, unless my wife wants to keep what I officially named (her). We’ll see.”

If his wife disagrees, an official with the Tennessee Department of Health’s Office of Vital Records said Monday the family has one year to file an affidavit requesting the name change. After one year, a court order from the family’s county of origin will be required.

I’ve Got Sex On the Ears

Before I start, I want to thank DCBlogs for their mention today! Thanks!

Now, on with the show!


So, I have this very nice female coworker (FC) who sits next to me at work. We get along quite well, but it seems that we have a bit of an issue…. we have a breakdown in our communications.

You see, for the 2nd time in 2 weeks FC has said something to me that was definitely not work appropriate. Being the good little politically correct worker bee that I am, I of course gave her a quizzical look, and repeated the question back to her for clarification.

Instance 1:

FC: Hey, do you want a quickie?

Me: Did you just ask me if I wanted a quickie?

FC: No! I asked you if you wanted a cookie.

Me: Oh.

Instance 2:

FC: Are you a prude?

Me: Uhh…… did you just ask me if I’m a prude?

FC: No. I asked you if you were approved. For your PTO.

Me: Oh… uh. Yeah. Thanks. Ha ha. Sorry about that. At least I didn’t ask you if you wanted a quickie this time.

FC: …………….

So, what have I learned out of all of this? I’ve learned to just nod yes whenever FC talks to me and do my best not to act like the complete pervert I am….. well, at least at work.

I've Got Sex On the Ears