death to stairway to heaven

So let’s just say that one of your good friends has a younger sister. And that younger sister is really smoking hot. And has the major hots for you.

What do you do?

On one hand, the chance to hook up with the younger sister is one of those fantasies that every guy¹ has. She’s hot. She’s into you. It’s also kinda naughty. Fun naughty.

On the other hand, if your buddy finds out, he’s going to absolutely destroy you, and you might lose a friend.

Is getting some fine ass for an evening worth giving up a friend for? Probably not, but it sure is intriguing.

This conundrum is similar to the one I faced in deciding to go to my 15 yr high school reunion. On one hand, there is a real allure to going. The benefits would be in seeing how all the hot chicks turned out and whether all the former jocks are now fat and bald. On the other hand, do I really want to wreck my image of high school? I mean, I’m pretty sure a good number of us disliked our high school experience, and it’s kind of fun to hold on to all that bitterness. Wouldn’t it suck to find out that most of those people we hated actually turned out to be fairly decent people in the end? I mean, talk about killing a buzz.

So, the question I faced was, is it worth risking giving up my bitterness to have the chance to having a great laugh (or 5?).

I took a risk, and I was not disappointed.

Randomly Rambunctious Reunion Remarks

Reunion awkwardness can be encapsulated in a single word: Bathroom. Over the course of a 4 or 5 hour reunion, you eventually have to go to the bathroom. This also means that you will invariably run into people that that you haven’t seen for 15 years in said bathroom. Nothing is more awkward then having the hey-nice-to-see-you-what-are-you-up-to-conversation while draining the dragon. The awkwardness is especially heightened by the fact that the people you generally run into there, are the ones you least want to run into. I had this experience. While standing in adjacent urinals talking to a dude who I really didn’t want to have any part of, I briefly considered “accidentally” peeing on his foot just for the fun of it.

I really really really wanted to get a picture of myself with the prom king. Life has not been good to him, especially after 15 years of heavy drinking and smoking. Unfortunately, I don’t know him at all, and didn’t think it was all that appropriate to be like – “Hey, mind if I get a picture with you Mr-really-ugly-former-prom-king-dude?” That said, I’m sure I can dig up a picture of him someplace and photoshop myself next to him for my own personal edification it’ll be a nice memory to keep. In case you were wondering, he now looks a lot like this guy:

Speaking of prom kings. In the middle of the event, one of the organizers got on a microphone and announced, “Attention everyone, it is now time for us to choose our 15 year reunion King and Queen. When everyone walked in, we wrote your name on a piece of paper, and put the men in one bag and women in the other. We’re going to pick some names now and they’ll be our King and Queen!” My thoughts at that moment: if there is a God in heaven looking down upon me, PLEASE DO NOT pick me! Please! PLEAAAASE. I pulled out every jewish prayer I could remember and said them as quickly as I could in my head. Last thing I want to be is King of the washed-up-sort-of-old-high-school-reunionites. That’s like coming in last place at an ugly contest – there is no glory in that.

I was really fucking lucky God heard my prayers and I was not chosen as the Reunion King…. or Queen, for that matter. No, they picked some random dude who I only knew from high school as being some random dude. The amusing thing? They gave him a tiara-crown type thing and over the microphone, the MC announced “Congratulations, now stick that in your hair and present yourself to your court!” The only problem? He’s bald.

One of ABFF’s former flames came up to me to chat and catch up. I didn’t know her all that well, but I can definitely say that she did NOT look good. Later in the evening, in a classic moment when discussing her, ABFF said, “She’s been ridden hard and put away wet.” I found this line unbelievably amusing, and unbelievably true. Oy.

Ok ok ok, so it’s true. The hottest girl from high school is STILL, by far, the hottest girl in our class. It isn’t even close. I have great memories of her from 11th grade history class – mostly because whenever our class would “circle up” – she would invariably end up directly across the circle from me and I could always see her underwear. Ahh, the good ole days of high school. At the reunion she grabbed my ass and begged me to meet her in the bathroom in 5 minutes said hi to me.

During conversation over dinner with a guy I hadn’t seen in at least 10 years, I might have accidentally spit some food onto him. Possibly into his hair. He possibly might not have noticed. And I possibly might not have said anything. I possibly might have also seen that same piece of food still sitting comfortably in his hair about 2 hours later.

Who the hell plans dancing as a major part of a high school reunion? Seriously. Most people just spent the night avoiding the dance floor as much as they could. In fact, at one point, I ran into an old friend while I was quickly walking over the dance floor to get back to my table. He stopped me, and of course, immediately the dj put on a slow song. In a very urgent, yet diplomatic way, I dragged him off the dance floor before anyone saw us.

Speaking of slow songs, when the DJ starting blaring “Stairway to Heaven” ABFF and I decided it was time to leave.

On our way out the door, a girl chased after me “ToBlogOr, ToBlogOr, hold up!” She yelled. ABFF and I stopped. “Hey, thanks for holding up. How are you? I just heard you live down in DC – I’m there too!” We then proceeded through a 10 minute conversation where we discussed our jobs, her divorce, her kids, etc etc etc as ABFF stood silently by. We talked about hanging out sometime, and I recommended she look me up on Facebook. Hugs hugs hugs and goodbyes were said, and ABFF and I headed out. As we walked out the door, I looked at him and said, “Who the fuck was that?”