Tag Archives: Dating

Oprah Pissing Makes Me Hard

I had some real excitement on that first date.  And I don’t mean “excitement” in a good way.  I mean that it in the, oh-shit-I’m-about-to-be-really-embarrassed-and-people-will-talk-about-this-for-years-to-come-and-I’ll-never-live-it-down kind of way.

Or I’ll just harbor the embarrassment for 10 years and blog about it when I can finally find it amusing.

The year is 1998, and I had just moved down to the DC area.  I didn’t really know a whole lot of people, but I was kinda social and ended up meeting a gal through a co-worker at a happy hour.   She was fun.  She was attractive.  She was interesting.  And she apparently really liked tall geeky dudes.  Saweeeeeeeeet.

So…. almost exactly 10 years ago I grew a set of balls and asked her out.

I was young and hadn’t really dated a whole lot before, so I was pretty stoked about the whole thing.

Our first date?  A movie.

Yes yes yes ok ok yes I know I know, I violated one of my own rules – but I hadn’t created the rules list yet, ok?  Get off my back.

So, we meet up at the super classy Centreville Multiplex Cinemas to see “Beloved” – a movie that includes a scene with Oprah Winfrey peeing standing up.  Ok ok, maybe not the best 1st date movie, but I think LiLu would approve.

Anyway, so we find our seats, and have a nice little chit-chat beforehand.  Since we didn’t have any dinner beforehand, it was a good time to get to know each other a little bit better.  It worked out well since the movie started about 30 minutes late, because they apparently forgot to “turn it on.”

But I digress.

So, the lights dim, and we’re sitting there, practically alone in the theater, watching a pretty deep movie about slaves and stuff.

And then it happened.

She touched me.

Apparently this is what happens when you go on a date with someone who likes you.  They touch you.  In completely inappropriate places.  Like on my hand.  AND my arm.

Holyshitholyshitholyshit She’s touching me.  What do I do?  Do I hold her hand?  Do I touch her back?  Do I just grab her boob now and get it over with?  Argh!

So we’re sitting here watching this movie, and I’m internally freaking out because I’m completely clueless.  And excited.  And nervous.

And I have a huge boner.

Fuck! Go away! Stop it! What are you DOING?? This is NOT a sexy movie!  We just saw Oprah Winfrey piss standing up.  And it wasn’t a sexy piss either!  Argh! She’s gonna think I’m a freak because I’m all hard over Oprah.  FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

Yeah.  I had a HUGE problem.  (and yes, I mean huge *wink wink* )

Firstly, here I am on a first date and I’ve popped a major woody.  Secondly, I had absolutely no way to hide it.  I was wearing a nice flannel shirt, tucked into my acid washed jeans (shut UP, it was 1998 ok???).  It was so obvious I could have just hung a flag from it and we could have all said the pledge of allegience to my crotch.

The Star Spangled Crotch

The Star Spangled Crotch

What the hell do I do?  I don’t want to let go of her hand or accidentally push her away – I like her!  But at the same time, if she sees this, is she going to still like me?  Probably not.

I make the executive decision and shift a bit in my seat.

Ooof.  Ok.  that’s a bit better.  You can’t really see it anymore…. but errgh now my leg is starting to go numb.  Crap.

So, as you can see, this date is going really well by now.

You may not know this about guys, but when we get….er…. excited, it sets off a chain of events that cannot be stopped.  Step 2 of surgation is the release of a small amount of lubricatory liquid.  This is unavoidable.  In normal circumstances, undergarments are enough of a barrier to keep things on the down-low.  But not when your jimmy is straining at your zipper.

Wet spot.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I try to subtly blow on my crotchel region.  That said, in public it is not possible to subtly blow on your groin and still have it be either 1: subtle or 2: effective.

The spot keeps growing and I start realizing that I’m really in trouble here.  At this point, I start to think that I might be better off if I had just crapped my pants instead.  Maybe not.

Anyway, let’s recap.

We are an hour into date #1.  The girl is touching me completely inappropriately, I have a stiffy the size of the Washington Memorial, and keeping with the DC theme, an appropriately placed “tidal basin.”  Did I mention that I had completely lost feeling in my left leg about 20 minutes earlier?

I figured I had three choices at this point.

  1. Fake death.  If I just slump over and die, maybe she would just get up and leave.  Or when she called 911 and the ambulances comes, I can just explain the wet-spot away as a side-effect from the massive heart attack I apparently had.
  2. Crawl to the bathroom and try to fix things.  Have you ever seen a movie theater floor though??  Yeah, this one was out immediately.
  3. Hope God hears my pleas for help and things clear up before the lights come back up.

Being the optimist I am, I vote for #3.

Another hour goes by, and things don’t get any better.  I try to shift around in my seat, but nothing works.  The wet-spot has subsided a bit, but in its stead, I now have a nasty looking stain.  And both of my legs have fallen asleep.

Hello God, it’s me ToBlogOr.  Why do you only help that Margaret chick?  This isn’t FUNNY ANYMORE.

The movie ends.

[Insert continuous stream of expletives]

I convince her to stay and watch the credits with me… because I really want to know who the assistant 2nd grip is.  Plus, hopefully the extra time will help me formulate a real plan.  A plan that will help me get out of this situation with at least a shred of dignity.  A plan that involves never having to stand up ever again.

We sit…. we wait…… she keeps petting my arm….. I keep sweating….. and bulging….

The credits are winding down, and I’m running out of excuses as to why we have to stay….

Marty Elfalan …. assistant accountant
Pablo Ferro …. title designer: main title sequence
Peg Flynn …. office and stage production assistant
Elena Gavrilova …. assistant: Rachel Portman
Bob George …. invaluable assistance

Invaluable assistance.  heh heh Nice title buddy.  Hmmm… actually. I could really use some invaluable assistance right now….

And then I saw a bright light…

God? Is that you?  Are you coming to save me?  Bob George??????

But no, it was just the theater lights coming back on, and I was on my own.

My date stands up, and I am royally fuck-a-doo’ed.

I start to stand up…. and I do the only thing that came to my head….

I start humping her leg.

Just kidding.

I try to nonchalantly un-tuck my shirt.  It’s a bit awkward, but it gets the job done.  Sort of.

Of course, at this point, she doesn’t really care about my crotch.  Why?  Because both my legs are completely asleep and I have to lean on her for support as we limp out of the movie theater.

Maybe Bob George really did have a plan, since she just ended up thinking I was cute with my whole invalid act… and she agreed to go out with me again

Of course, our 2nd date involved seeing “What Dreams May Come” which is about a guy who dies, and his wife commits suicide…

More hard-ons?

That’s a story for another day…

And another set of underwear.

Breaking Up

“I’m just not comfortable in this relationship anymore,” She told me.

I was only a little bit surprised, I could see it coming down the road. It was inevitable.

You see, when you are in a new relationship, everything is shiny and exciting. The question is, though, will it bear out over time?

In great relationships, things always seem exciting and new, no matter how long you’ve been in it. You enjoy doing things together. It seems like there’s never a dull moment. In fact, it’s almost like the concept of a relationship disappears and it just becomes a true partnership…. like you were born to be together…. at least in that moment.

I could see that wasn’t happening in this case. Things were slowly dying. Frustrations coming out.

“Well, what are you going to do?” I asked.

“I think I need to put together a pro’s and con’s list. In something this important, sometimes its hard to remember all the good things, along with the bad. There’s been a lot of bad.”

I sighed.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

We continued walking together quietly down N Street, holding hands.

It’s in these times that you reflect. You look back on the relationship and wonder where things went wrong. It seemed so right at the beginning, how could it have changed that quickly? I swear it was only just last week she was raving about how great things were going.

Maybe it was my fault. I sort of talked her into the whole thing. Maybe she just got caught up in the excitement of everything. Maybe we should have thought things out a little bit more.

And this, my friends, is how the break-up occurred last night.

We’re sad, but I think we’re both ok with it.

We’re going to take some time over Thanksgiving and wrap up some loose ends, but then that should be that.

It’ll be nice to be with family and friends over the holidays, to help console us over the loss.

It just won’t be the same anymore, but life goes on.

The night after GF decided to break-up with her cell phone.

Dating Advice Answered

Dear ToBlogOr,

I have a relationship problem that I’m hoping you can help me with.   I’ve been dating a guy for the past 6 months, and I’m at a bit of a crossroads.  We’re getting closer to making a serious commitment, and I’m not sure how I really feel about him.  I took your advice and did an inventory on our relationship, and here are some of the pro’s and con’s that I identified:

Pro’s:
  • He gives me really nice backrubs
  • He brings me flowers at least once a week, with a very nice card
  • He’s really sensitive and is willing to talk about his feelings in an open and honest manner.  I think he really gets me.
  • He has a great job and makes a good living for himself
  • We have a great sex life
  • He’s really smart and makes great conversations.  I feel like we can talk all night.
  • He packs my lunch for me when I stay over at his place, and he always leaves a little cute note written on a napkin in the lunch bag.
  • My dog adores him, and Schmoopie-Poo doesn’t like ANYONE
  • He likes to travel, go to the theater, enjoys the opera, and thinks that Hall & Oates is the greatest rock duo of all time.

 Cons:

  • He likes to scratch his crotch and then sniff his fingers
  • He’s only 5’7
  • He talks in his sleep.  Not your normal 1 or 2 liner, no, he recites his favorite literature.  This primarily includes the “Dear Editor” section from Penthouse.
  • He has a snaggle tooth that I swear waves hello at me every time he smiles.
  • He has hair like the Geico Caveman.  I can deal with the back hair, ear hair, nose hair, uni-brow hair, ass hair, and neck-beard hair.  It’s the hair the grows on his toes that really bothers me.
  • In order to look smarter, he wears glasses without any lenses. 
  • He wears black shoes with a brown belt.
  • He likes to wear red tightie whities that make his butt look saggy.  I don’t even know what to call them.  Tightie reddies?
  • When we sleep at his place, the sheets on his bed always pull up revealing his mattress pad.
  • He’ll run the disposal without turning on the water
  • I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure he gave me herpes, genital warts, crabs, 3 different strains of syphilis, and a really bad nose cold last Thursday.  Yes, all of them on the same day.

ToBlogOr, I’m really confused.  Sometime it feels like I’ve met my soul-mate, and other times it feels like I’m dating a neanderthal.  What gives?  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Confused

Dear HC,

Thank you for writing.  It sounds like you have some real issues here, and I think I can help you out. 

Let me start by breaking it down.

You are dating a guy who looks like this:

Dating Advice Answered

Dresses like this:

Dating Advice Answered

But acts like Jude Law in “The Holiday” – 

Dating Advice Answered

Lemme see if I can get this straight – is this what you are working with?

Dating Advice Answered

If so, I have the answer for you.

Let’s start with the obvious:

 

The Obvious

 

You are dating a Jew. 

Let’s call him Jewde Law(yer), or JL for short.

It all adds up: the egregious amount of hair and gross lack of style coupled with a high-paying job and the sensitivity of a gay man.

Trust me, I’m a Jew and am very familiar with many of these attributes in my fellow Tribesmen.  BUT WAIT! Do not despair, there is hope for you.

 

Hope

 

Dating a Jew isn’t like contracting a fatal disease.   Yes, you have some legitimate concerns in this relationship, but it also sounds like JL has a lot of positives as well. 

Chemistry is one of the fundamental keys to the success of a relationship, and it sounds like you are doing ok in this department.  Let’s investigate this further:

There are 3 types of chemistry:  physical, emotional, and high school.

 

High School Chemistry

 

I was fantastic at chemistry in High School.  Fucking brilliant in fact.  I got an A in just about every quarter throughout high school, and many people thought I should go onto major in Chemistry in college.  This was an incorrect assessment, as I sucked major hairy moose balls at college chemistry.  How does this apply to your relationship issues?  It doesn’t, but I just had to get that off my chest. 

 

Emotional Chemistry

 

Emotional Chemistry revolves around how compatible your interests, values, and temperament are.  Do you communicate well?  Do you enjoy doing similar things?  Do you want similar things in a relationship and a family?  Did you cry during the same parts in “The Bridges of Madison County?”

In a relationship, it is important that you match up in these areas.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should be close.  I don’t agree with the whole Jerry Maguire philosophy of “You Complete Me.”  To me, that implies that each of us are incomplete in some way, and I don’t think that’s correct.  I feel that a good mate is one that you feel complements you.  Singularly you are great, but together?  Well together, you are an unstoppable force of nature.  Kinda like how LiLu and her man are the Disgusting Twins.

You can’t fake Emotional Chemistry.  If you have it, you have it.  If you don’t, you don’t.  It’s not something you can learn or change.

HC, it sounds like you are doing pretty well in this area – in fact it sounds like you guys get along great.  This strength forms a good basis for a strong relationship. 

 

Physical Chemistry

 

No, not the god-forsaken class I took in college that talked about bullshit that no one can actually prove, but they’ll fail test me on it anyway.   No, I’m talking about physical attraction and sexual chemistry.  I’m talking about when you hang out, you have a hard time keeping your hands off each other.  I’m talking about when you see him across the room, you can’t take your eyes off of him.  I’m talking about when you get naked and roll around in bed, you don’t care that he sheds more than this guy:

Dating Advice Answered

 

If those things apply to you, then you have good Physical Chemistry.

From what I’m hearing, It sounds like you have some major hang-ups in this area, which leads to a bit of a paradox.  You imply that you aren’t all that attracted to him but yet your sex life is great.  I’m guessing that you are really more embarrassed by his looks than anything else.  Why?  Because you have father issues. 

Let’s call it like it is, I know you are an anglo-saxon shiksa goddess

Dating Advice Answered

This means that your dad most likely has light colored hair, and blue eyes.  It also means that you never learned as a toddler that you could get rug burn from lying on your dad’s back.  If you were Jewish, you’d be familiar with these risks. 

Whether you realize it or not, we all base our relationships on the model we are most familiar with: our parents.  You see, as we grew up, our experience with our parents filled our subconscious with all sorts of data that we don’t even realize that we know.  It drives us instinctually. 

With your father as your subconscious model for men, you feel embarrassed that you are secretly attracted to such a schlub.  You constantly berate yourself for not being attracted to the tall muscular blonde Christian.  You think there must be something wrong with you.

That’s where you start running into problems.  There is never a good reason to feel embarrassed about being attracted to anyone.  As human beings, It’s our own fear of rejection that drives this.  Fear of rejection from our parents, our friends, and from random people on the street who you swear are pointing and laughing at JL as you guys walk down the street.

The thing is, you can’t help who you are attracted to.  It is what it is, and you can’t change it.  For whatever reason, you find this guy attractive, and by denying your feelings, you are only causing yourself more stress.  Since your friends and family aren’t the ones who are having sex with him, who cares if they find him attractive? 

 

The Answer

 

Let’s revisit the concerns you brought up, which I’ve categorized. 

Physical Issues – the things you brought up can all be easily addressed.  Firstly, find him a good dentist and then go shopping with him and help him match up his clothing in the morning.  Don’t try to change his whole wardrobe immediately – slowly work your style into his.  Start by buying him a couple of pairs of boxers and a nice sweater and tell him how sexy he looks in them.  We eat that shit up. 

As for the massive amounts of hair, you can buy all sorts of heavy duty shaving products, such as the “Razorba War Hammer.” That will definitely help out. 

You can’t change his height, so you’ll have to determine if that’s a true game changer or not.  Just remember, it isn’t about what your friends think or what you think you want, it’s about what you are attracted to.  You’ll have to dig deep for the truth on that one, or just buy him height enhancing footwear.

Guy Issues:  Guys have issues because we’re guys.  It happens.  We are genetically inclined to offend women just by our mere existence. 

We don’t do it out of spite, and we don’t always do it in the same ways, but it tends to produce similar results: 

You get annoyed and nag the shit out of us.  

An example is that he scratches his crotch and sniffs it.  It’s a genetically instinctual thing that all guys do, because it’s our shower litmus test.  You’ll just need to talk with him about appropriate places to do it. 

The same goes for the sheets and the disposal thing.  He just doesn’t know any better. 

As for the sleep talking thing, there may be 2 issues coming up here.  If you have problems with the porn thing, well, you’ll need to just accept it (or he’ll need to hide it better).  All guys look at porn, it’s just a fact of life.  If you don’t care about that, then you’ll want to explore if he has some unfulfilled fantasies.  If that doesn’t work, I recommend either buying some great ear plugs for yourself, or having him see a sleep therapist. 

HC, the answer with what to do with JL lies within yourself.  Take some time to yourself over the holiday and do some thinking and writing.  If you can get clear with your own hang-ups, then you’ll be able to fully commit to the relationship.  Just remember, you can’t change anyone other than yourself. 

You might not believe it, but many women would love to swap places with you.  You have a great guy who treats you well, and that’s hard to find.

Good luck!

Oh, what?  I’m not done yet?  You think I missed something important from above?

Ok, ok fine.  I’ll address it.

Go see a dermatologist.

Why?

Because you don’t have any STD’s.

Us Jews have extra scratchy hair and all that groin-to-groin action you’ve been secretly having is just irritating your skin.

———————————

Have a dating or relationship question and want a male perspective?  Feel free to email me at toblogor (at) yahoo (dot) com

DC Dating Translated

Dating is like sanskrit.  We’ve all heard of it, but we have no idea how to decipher it.

So, here’s the thing.  Y’all are way too uptight about dating.

Relax! Enjoy yourselves!  Dating will not kill you.  Only YOU will kill yourself with all your worrying and complaining and reading too much into things.

What? You don’t know what I’m talking about?  Ok then – I’ll give you some examples:

Girl: Hey! It’s great to see you, how ya doing tonight?

Guy: Hi! I’m doing well.

Ok, pretty innocent conversation, right?  Here’s what’s really going on:

Girl: Hey! It’s great to see you, how ya doing tonight?

Girl thoughts: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod I was hoping to run into him tonight. Do I look ok? I hope my ass doesn’t look to fat in this outfit.  Does he notice?  He looks really cool in that shirt, but hmm thats a bit too much chest hair popping out for my liking.  Maybe he’s a criminal.  Criminals generally have chest hair popping out… criminals and child molestors.  Hmm he does kind of have that look about him.  Damnit I knew there would be something wrong with him when he asked me out.  Hmm how do I get out of this?  This is moving way too fast for me.  He’s definitely way more into it than I am.

Guy: Hi! I’m doing well.

Guy thoughts: She has boobs.  I like boobs.  If I move my head just slightly to the right, I can see more boobs.  Sex. Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexfootballsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex.  Nice ass.

So, what have we learned from this?

Guys: We learn that no matter what we do, we’re going to make chick’s freak out.  Why?  Because they like to overthink EVERYTHING.  Seriously.  It’s something you can’t avoid.  Things that you don’t even think anyone would notice, such as a piece of lint on your shoulder, can make a chick flip out.  One moment you’re fine and dandy, and the next moment, in her mind, she’ll be freaking out that she can’t possibly marry a man who isn’t as neat as her.  Just because of that little piece of lint.  And this is on the first date.  As long as you understand this, it will be much easier to handle her (what seem to be) completely random freakouts.

Women: We learn that you cannot underestimate how much guys think about sex.  Before you’ve even met us, we’ve imagined having sex with you in at least 5 positions what your boobs look like.  Guys, don’t deny it, you know it’s true.  Once we’ve seen you?  Well, if I told you what went on in our minds, trust me, you’d never want to go out with us again.  Know what else women?  You can’t possibly understand how simple we truly are.  When we say things like “I’m fine, how are you?”  We don’t have a subtle inflection in our tone that implies that we think your ass is fat.  Trust me on this, WE AREN’T THAT SMART.  So, in order to figure us out, think of the absolute most simple explanation for what’s going on, and then make in 99% simpler.  Seriously.

So what’s my point here?  I have no fucking clue.

I just got into London this morning after taking the red-eye, and I’m really jet lagged.  I’m not even sure if I’m actually blogging, or just hallucinating about my computer.

My advice to all of you prospective daters out there is: take a step back.  Before you let your mind go all haywire – look at the facts.  Facts never lie.  We tend to create stories in our mind about things that haven’t happened, and before you know it – we’ve completely destroyed a relationship that never even started. 

Ok.  I think I’m done with talking about dating for now.  Since I’m in London, I’m going to be blogging about that over the next couple of days until I return.

Cheerio!

12 Guaranteed Rules for a Great Date

I give good date. 

Call me arrogant, call me conceited, call me Slappy the Half-Brained Clown.

 12 Guaranteed Rules to Great Dating

I call it confidence.  I’ve never been turned down for a 2nd date, and in general I’ve never had trouble meeting women who were interested in dating me.

Wanna know why?

It has nothing to do with having game, being stunningly good looking, or having a huge reproductive organ. (I’m not confirming or denying the existence of any of those things!)

There are 2 reasons for this:

  1. I am extremely picky with the women I go out with
  2. I pay attention

It’s really just that simple.

But ToBlogOr – if it was really that simple, why doesn’t everyone do it?

Good question. You wanna know why? Because we’re too self absorbed.

I’m a recovering only child, but a long time ago I started to understand the power of paying attention. Remembering little things started to get me places. It helped me succeed in my career. I had problems dating though. The moment I started applying the same principles to dating, all of a sudden I was an extremely caring guy that all the women wanted.

What??? Really?

Yep.

My plan for today was to provide a list of the 12 Guaranteed Rules to Great Dating – but you know what? There are really a lot more than 12, and they are really more like guidelines. The majority of these apply to both men and women equally, and I’ll include a couple of extra at the end for men and women

So let’s go!

The 12+ Guaranteed Rules of a Great Date

 

Don’t be a bore, make your date soar!

The more interactive your date is, the better. Something that involves laughter is always important. Guys – chicks dig guys that make them laugh. If you aren’t funny, do something that involves laughter.  Suck up your pride and try something you haven’t done before, it’s ok to laugh at yourself.  I went on an ice skating date once and fell on my ass so many times that I think it’s now permanently flat.  You know what though?  The girl thought it was really endearing.  We couldn’t stop laughing.

Don’t be a pretentious prick

Dating is not about being impressive. Dating is about being YOU. Have enough confidence in yourself to BE yourself. If you are having some self confidence issues, then just be glad you aren’t this guy:

12 Guaranteed Rules To a Great Date

Dress to impress

When I said to not be pretentious, I didn’t mean don’t look good. I’m a big fan of over-dressing slightly.  No full tuxedo for a fast-food run.  If you aren’t sure if you should wear jeans or slacks — go with slacks. If you aren’t sure if slacks or a suit. Go with a suit. My one corollary: If you aren’t sure if you should go with tighty whities or commando — definitely go commando.

Pretend you are Obama

Now, with your huge pretend ears…. LISTEN TO YOUR GODDAMN DATE!  Don’t just hear him/her talk – ask questions.  Engaging questions.  Open ended questions.  If you don’t care what they have to say…. PRETEND. 

Dating Hint: After your date, write down some of the things you talked about and review them before you talk to your date the next time.  As an example, take a note about their brother’s impending graduation…. and then ask them about it next time.  I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if you care about their brother, but it shows that you listened!  Trust me, this one never fails.

Everyone hates a mime

I hate it when my date only gives me 1 or 2 word answers to my questions.  It makes it sound like they either 1: don’t like me or 2: are stupid.  You goal is to be talking 45% of the date.  You want your date to be talking just a bit more than you, and if things start to get off kilter, right the ship! 

 
12 Guaranteed Rules To a Great Date
 

Buy a fricken watch

Be on time, wouldja?  If you aren’t going to be on time, let your date know.  Ok?  I HATE waiting for people, because I hate being late.  I like to plan.  I know that not everyone is like that, but how well do you really know your date?  Not very – so do us a favor, and be on time.  It shows us that you care.

Surprise surprise surprise!

Ok so I already talked about listening and taking notes – here’s another way to put it to use.  One of my signature moves is to bring a surprise on a 2nd or 3rd date.  Nothing expensive, just a little small thoughtful gesture.  Women almost always appreciate flowers, but I like to take it a step further.  Before our first date, GF and I had a conversation where she  told me about how she loved the song Sexy Back, but didn’t have the CD.  I hadn’t even heard the song, but I went out to a store, bought the CD, and then surprised her with it on our way to dinner.  Trust me, this stuff works.

Don’t do the friend pat

Touch a woman like she’s a woman, not your buddy.  Don’t pat them on the back or shoulder like a friend would do.  This is called the “friend pat.”  This is highly offensive to women, so don’t do it.  There are a good number of good ways to do it.  Women?  Touching a man is always sexy, just understand that if you start touching us a lot, we think we’re gonna get some. 

 

 

Dating Tip:  Men – if you aren’t sure what to do at the end of the night, give her a kiss on the cheek.  You can’t go wrong with this, women think it’s cute…. just make sure you aim appropriately.  If you give her an obvious sign that you are going in for just the cheek, she won’t flinch.  If she wants more, she’ll turn her head.

Friend Pat!

Warning: Friend Pat!

 

 

Thank you Jesus!

If someone took you on a great date – is it too much ask you to write a quick thank you note?  In fact, even if you TOOK someone on a great date, it’s ok to send them a thank you note too!  People love appreciation.

Hey, nice ass!

People love to be complimented, women especially.  If you think they look nice, tell them… and be specific.  Just remember, that you need to compliment them not the item of clothing.  I’ll give you a couple examples:

Bad: Wow, that’s a great dress!

Good: Wow, you look great in that dress! 

Bad: I really love your earrings.

Worse: Those earrings really go great with your dress! (No straight man says something like that)

Good:  Wow, you look great – I love your earrings!

Bad: Those jeans make your ass look great.

Good: You have a great ass.

Clean your car, get gas, etc

Dates should never include chores.  Chores are what you do in your free time.  Be prepared: if you are driving, clean your car out ahead of time, get gas, and know exactly where you are going.  Women: the last thing I want to do when I’m on a date is go to CVS with her to buy tampons.  So do yourself a favor, and plan ahead.

Don’t play the 1 up game

This is a game only assholes play.  Be impressed with your date, they like to feel like they are number 1.  All 1 upping does is makes them feel like they aren’t good enough.  If you make it farther than this date, you’ll have time to tell your story eventually.  In the meantime, be more into them than into yourself.

Don’t be a douchebag

Sarcasm sucks.  Period.  Keep it out of your first dates.  No one wins when you are sarcastic.  It’s offensive, it isn’t funny, it doesn’t belong in dating.  You don’t know them that well, they don’t know you that well…. and trust me, it won’t get you anywhere.  Just don’t be a douche bag ok?

 12 Guaranteed Rules to a Great Date

Ok, so I’ve now provided you with all the rules that guarantee you will have a great date (assuming your date isn’t like the guy above).

Post Date Tip

Your date is not Ellis Island

Don’t be needy and desperate.  You are dating, you aren’t married.  Be cool.  Be relaxed.  If you seem desperate and needy, people won’t like dating you.  This means sucking it up and not over-communicating.  If you haven’t gotten a response back from your text earlier…  Suck it up.  Your date has a life of their own.  If you haven’t heard back, wait at least 24 hours and then follow up.  If you still don’t get a response, you are only allocated 1 last call…. so use it wisely.  Anything more than that is an annoyance.  If they like you, they’ll get back to you eventually…. if not? No loss – move on! 

Are we done yet?

No! Because we have to cover both sides of the issue.

How to get out of a bad date

If you are on a bad date, and want to know how to get out – go here. The website also includes helpful tips for situations such as: “How to Survive If You Wake Up Next to Someone Whose Name You Don’t Remember” and “How to Determine If Your Date Is an Axe Murderer”

I’ll be reporting live from London tomorrow – so stay tuned for some Greenwich Mean Time Dating Tips!

12 Great DC Dates

Dating is like auditioning for American Idol. We all have a great time talking about the disgustingly awful people and the really awesome people. What never gets talked about are the really average auditioners. Those thousands upon thousands of those people who try out and just aren’t quite good enough. The thing is, the judges spend the bulk of their time weeding these people out.

That’s how we date. We waste our time going out with average people. Initially, they aren’t bad enough to cut out quickly, so we give them a chance. We go on 2 or 3 or 4 dates with them until we start seeing their true colors. Such as when you realize they host full reenactments of the “Clone Wars” in their apartment.

12 Great DC Dates

What is dating?

Wikipedia defines dating as: any social activity undertaken by, typically, two people with the aim of each assessing the other’s sexy parts suitability as their partner in an friends with benefits intimate relationship or as a highly bitter ex who will continually stalk you spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity (i.e. oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse). Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal (because, in some way, we all pay for sex).

I define dating as: A big fat cluster fuck that usually ends as an epic fail/with someone getting a restraining order/with someone getting an eye poked out because you ran with scissors poorly.

What makes a good date

There are many so-called “good” reasons to go on a date, like getting a free meal, having sexual relations, and an excuse to avoid awkward work functions. The real point of dating is to determine if the person you are going out with has a chance to be a life partner. The faster, the better.

A good date will help you do this. You see, a good date involves doing something that is interactive and promotes communication. Oh, and before you get all excited, telling him to go harder and faster does not count as communication in an interactive setting.

I’m sorry to say it, but this means that making out in the back row movies are out. It means trying to pretend you are classy going to the theater is out. It means that doing anything where you sit around for more than an hour, not talking, is out. If you luck out and make it to the 4th or 5th date – you can start doing these things.

12 Great DC Dates

So what’s left to do? Well stop being a douche bag, and get creative.

Yeah, I know. What the hell am I thinking, right? Well… that’s why I’m here to help. I’ve done the legwork for you already, so here is my list of:

12 Great DC Dates

Online Bosom Buddies

He/She has the sexiest profile ever and you’ve been having steamy 2am cybersex for the past week. Ready to see if it translates to real life? Here are a number of places that will help you get to know your Dot-com Don Juan just a little bit better.

Phillips Collection – After 5 – This event, “combines live jazz, gallery talks, superb modern art, and a cash bar for a memorable evening on the first Thursday of every month from 5 to 8:30 pm.” Let’s see…. alcohol, music, and art combined? Leave your Metallica t-shirt at home and get classy on this perfect recipe for a first date. Walk around the gallery and get an idea of your date’s lack of taste in art and music – or just get trashed at the bar.

Melting Pot – You aren’t getting laid on the first date, so there’s no reason to spend $150. So skip the cliché and don’t come for dinner. Instead, show off your suave side and bring your date here for happy hour or dessert. The bar area is intimately low key, romantically lit, and what’s more sexy than good conversation while saber fighting over cheese or chocolate fondue?

Little Fountain Cafe – This is one of my favorite little dinner places in DC. It’s quiet, romantic, has great service, and provides the perfect setting for some good conversation. Since it’s in Adams Morgan, you’ll have plenty of places to go and grab drinks afterward…. well assuming you aren’t dating this guy:

12 Great DC Dates

What? You aren’t a psycho murderer? Ok – let’s go out again!

So, he doesn’t have a 3rd arm poking out of his forehead, and you haven’t discovered the secret stash of necrophiliac porn in his freezer yet. For a 2nd date, try one of these places to start weeding out those skeletons.

Millenium Stage – Nothing says classy like the Kennedy Center, and nothing says great 2nd date like “free concert.” I know I said no concerts – but in our shitty economy taking a date to one of the daily free concerts is money in the bank. They only go from 6 – 7pm each night, which leaves you with tons of time to walk around and explore the exhibits at the Kennedy Center. The restaurants on the roof are pretty good, but a bit expensive.

12 Great DC Dates

Event at an Embassy – Want to pretend you’re a somebody in this status hungry town? Then take your date to an event at an embassy. Quite a few of the embassies host events, which tend to be pretty cool. Wine tasting, exhibitions, talks, dance lessons, you name it. Wanna go to a Finnish Christmas Bazaar? Find out about events on the individual embassy websites, the Washington Post, or in the Embassy Events magazine, though I’m not sure if they’re still in business.

Eastern MarketCome visit one of the 10 best neighborhoods in America and shop at DC’s oldest continually operated fresh food market. Women love to shop, and the best time to take one is on a 2nd date. Why? Because you aren’t so whipped that they’ll force you to carry their purse while they examine every piece of jewelry and clothing. So go on a weekend when the flea market is in full swing, and then grab a bite to eat at the multitude of restaurants.

DC Dating Insider

So, you wanna impress your date with your insider knowledge? Your date already thinks they already know all the hotspots? Here’s a couple date ideas for you.

Anderson House – Society of the Cincinnati – Are you and your date history buffs? Want to check out an extremely exclusive property in a hot part of town? Come take a free guided tour of the house dedicated to the descendants of the officers in the Revolutionary Army.

12 Great DC Dates

The Mansion on O Street – Only slightly less exclusive than the Anderson House, the Mansion on O is only open to the public a couple times during the week, and it’s one of the coolest places in DC. Take your date to their Afternoon Tea on Sunday, and then get lost checking out the 100+ rooms in the maze of secret passageways. Not a recommended date location if you plan on going out with psycho murderers.

Iron Gate Inn Restaurant – One of the least known, yet most romantic restaurants in DC. If you’ve ever walked around the Dupont Circle area, I guarantee you’ve walked right by it and never knew it. The food is only ok, but the atmosphere is perfect. Take your date here in the summer and enjoy the patio, come in the winter and sit by the raging fire.

Take the Relationship Outside the Bedroom

Put your clothes on, and get out of the house for a little jaunt in the great outdoors.

Roosevelt Island – Have a little bit of outdoorsman in you? (Want some? heh heh) Then come to the least visited of the DC Presidential memorials. The Teddy Roosevelt Memorial is located on a DC island only accessible from the GW parkway. The memorial is beautiful, and the island has a number of short hiking paths that will give you great views of the Georgetown waterfront.

12 Great DC Dates

National Arboretum – Full Moon Hike – Here’s an event where you have a choice. You can either have a really romantic time, or you can choose to scare the shit out of your date. Depending on the quality of your date, either way it’s a win! Take a 5 mile guided walk through moonlit meadows and other gardeny type things. The walks are wildly popular and book up way in advance. Interested? Then register here

Picnic on the NOT Tidal Basin – Take a picnic basket and blanket and have fun at the Tidal Basin, just not the Tidal Basin. I swear I’m about to make sense. There’s a quiet strip of land right next to Ohio Ave SW that sits along the Potomac River. Tourists don’t know it’s there, and most people are in a rush to get over to the memorials. For extra credit, go at sunset and have some wine & cheese with a great view, and then check out the rest of the tidal basin and the FDR memorial just a 3 minute walk away.

12 Great DC Dates

This list is guaranteed to provide you with a good time…. though I provide no guarantees on the quality of your date.

Tune in for more dating advice this week. Tomorrow? The 12 Rules For a Good Date.

12 Reasons I Won’t Date You

Dating is like eating chili – when it’s good it’s really good… but when it’s bad, it just gives you the shits.

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, my theme for the week is dating…. and if you’ve had a problem finding a date in this fine city, then pay close attention. I’m here to help.

DC is a great dating town for guys. It’s a buyers market – lots of single women, not as many single men.

I’ve lived in DC for just over a decade and have tried just about every possible way of finding dates. Let’s see, I’ve:

  • Done the online thing
  • Picked up people in bars
  • Met people through friends
  • Met people through co-workers
  • Gave up on those people and dated the co-worker instead
  • Met people on mass-transit
  • Picked up people at arts venues (art galleries, the theater, concerts, finger painting seminars, you name it)
  • [Insert location name, and I guarantee you I’ve picked someone up there. That includes at a funeral home. Bring it.]

I’ve had varying success with all of these avenues, but I’m not here to talk about the validity of any of those places.

Why? Because I’m here to help you. Your crappy dating life will remain exactly the same no matter where you go.

(I’ll pause here for a moment until the guffawing, snorting, and rolling of the eyes dies down)

You see, I’ve realized that the true key to finding a good date isn’t the place….

Wanna know what the key is?

Are you sure you can handle the truth?

(If big-brother didn’t block it, I would have inserted a youtube video of Jack Nicholson screaming, “You can’t handle the truth!” So do me a small favor and just imagine it for me, wouldja? Thanks)

Ok, I’ll give you a hint.

Take a look in the mirror....

Take a look in the mirror....

It’s really all about YOU.

Yes you. So stop fucking up your dating life, would you?

Oh, now don’t try to pretend that I don’t know what I’m talking about, or that I don’t know your situation. Pull your huge fucking head out of your tight little ass and get with the game. There’s only one common denominator in your consistently crappy dating life, and that’s you.

What was that you said? Your dating life isn’t consistently crappy? Just intermitantly crappy? Well then, since you are so high and mighty why don’t you take a big swig of some shut-the-hell-up too.

We all get lucky sometimes.

I’ve been where you are. I truly have been, and then one day I woke up and it just came to me. It might have been God speaking to me, or it might have been the narcotics – either way, I should still be institutionalized I have the answer.

You see, it’s not about the place you meet people, it’s really all about the criteria you use to decide whether or not they are worth trying to date.

Ok, I’ll wait while you bitch at me about how you have standards and blah blah blah and this that and the other and nice asses and big arms and taller than 5’8 and bullshit bullshit BULLSHIT!

It’s all crap. Why? Because you don’t really have the same standards that you thought you had.

How do I know? Because I’ve been where you are. I thought I had standards too.

In The Beginning….

I had pretty much 1 rule of dating: No penises.

That worked right up until:

12 Reasons I Won't Date You

You think I’m joking.

The thing is, this kind of thing happens to YOU all the time. It just isn’t quite as obvious.

So, if you were me and suddenly realized that your date had an un-requested penis, would you just think to yourself: “Well, maybe they’ll change – I mean, it’s not so bad… it’s pretty small and kind of cute. I’ll just ignore it and it’ll go away.”

NO! Of course not! You wanna know what happens when you ignore something like this?

One morning you wake up and realize that your girlfriend has been fucking YOU in the ass is not treating you as nicely as you would like.

Until you finally put 2 and 2 together, you’ve just wondered why your ass has been killing you you haven’t really been happy this whole time.

I’ll say it again. This happens to you ALL THE TIME.

So, what’s the problem?

You can only live by standards and rules that have been defined.

Because you only have a general idea of your standards, you end up dating people who violate all sorts of rules, until one day you wake up with a bloody ass and get the fuck out.

So, do yourself a favor, suck it up, and spend 30 minutes thinking about your standards and rules, and then WRITE THEM DOWN. Once you have your list, promise yourself that you’ll stick to it.

It is ok to modify your list once or twice – but you are not allowed to grandfather people in. That means you can’t date someone and then modify the list. Don’t lower your standards – that’s what got your ass bloody in the first place!

I stuck to my list, and it’s worked out great for me. Yes, it takes discipline – but the formula works.

So, to prove my point, I’m going to share with you my list of the:

12 Reasons Why I Won’t Date You

.

1: The first question you ask is, “So what do you do?”

If this is the first question you ask me, then you have no hope. I won’t date a woman who lacks in the personality department, or a woman who only dates for status. Ask me where I’m from, what books I’m reading, what kind of music I listen to, or how many times a day I pick my nose. I don’t care, as long as it’s not that question. We’ll get around to it eventually.

2: You put the class in classless

If anyone has ever mistaken you in public for being a hooker or stripper, then the closest you are going to get to a date with me is a $20 shoved in your garter. You don’t need to be Princess Di all the time — you just need to know when the proper times are. As a starter – the appropriate place to put your gum is NOT under the table at a 5-Star restaurant.

3: You only wear jeans

I don’t have any problems wearing jeans, but if you aren’t willing to dress up for me, then you have no hope. I prefer the kind of girl who tends to slightly overdress for most situations. Again, I have no problems with jeans, but if we’re going out to brunch with some friends, I like the fact that you take the time to get yourself ready and are the best dressed person in the room.

4: You don’t have an opinion

If I wanted a woman without an opinion, I would buy a Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll. I don’t want you to defer to my every whim unless it involves oral pleasure. I want to hear your thoughts on the world, on politics, on the arts, on ANYTHING. The thing is, if you have an opinion, you better be prepared to defend it. The last thing I need is someone who has an irrational opinion about something and doesn’t know why they have it – and “just because” doesn’t count. I won’t hate you for your opinion, as long as it’s informed and you agree that I’m always right.

5: Your shirts aren’t low cut enough

No, this does not violate the classy rule. Why? Because I’m not going for the slut look…. I just want to see some of your boobs. I like a woman who is comfortable with her body, and knows how to look attractive and sexy. Attractivity (yes, I created that word) for men pretty much starts and ends with boobs. If you are always wearing big poofy sweaters and hiding your feminine form – then you have no chance. Oh, and in case you were wondering, there are professional ways to show off your boobs – if you don’t know what they are, learn them!

6: I can see your underwear

The only times I want to see your underwear are either when they are lying on the floor next to my bed, or when you are walking around my place. I don’t want to see your panty-lines. I don’t want to catch a view when you cross your legs in a meeting. I don’t want to see your thong when you bend over. No no no no! Those things aren’t sexy, they just mean you don’t know how to dress yourself! Not sure how to avoid them? Go here!

7: You’ve never been outside the country

What? You don’t like traveling? Sorry missy, you are out of luck with me then. Why? Because I want someone who is worldy. If you are happy just sticking around here, then you won’t mind if I get in my car and drive the fuck away. I once went on a date with a chick who hadn’t been beyond the borders of DC, MD, and VA in more than 5 years. I believe the date ended within 10 minutes.

8: If I meet you at a bar and you’re drunk

I don’t want to date someone who is a sloppy drunk. Hold your fricken alcohol wouldja?? We all like to get our drink on, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to dance on the bar wearing your undies on your head. I don’t date strippers, and I won’t date you either.


9: You diss McDonalds at 3am

So, let’s say we got to a bar and get our drink on. Let’s just say that afterward you and I have the munchies. Let’s just say that the only place open is McDonalds. 3am might be the only time I’m willing to eat there, but if you turn your nose up at good ole Mickey D’s, then our relationship is going to last about as long as it takes to get a BigMac at the drive-thru.

10: You are a smoker

Ok ok, I’ll give you this – if you smoke, we are allowed to fuck like bunnies have a little fun, but we won’t be dating. I want to be with someone who respects their body, and will be around in 50 or 60 years. My grandmother smoked for 40 years and when I was a kid, she was so sick she could never play with me. I don’t want that for my kids and grandkids.

12 Reasons I Won't Date You

11: You can’t walk in high heels, or only wear flats

It really all comes back to the clothes and being classy. Wear heels that are appropriate for your outfit, and know how to walk in them. Classy women know how to work a good pair of pumps…. oh and anything taller than 4 inches is saved for the bedroom. Don’t like heels? Then you can take your “comfy” flats and walk the hell away from me.

12: You have more stuffed animals than pillows on your bed

I’ve caved on this a little bit – my rule used to be NO stuffed animals, but that was a bit too stringent. I don’t like sharing the bed with things from your childhood. The last thing I want is to be staring at Winnie the Pooh and friends while we’re fucking our brains out when I wake up in the middle of the night. That’s just a bit creepy. Grow up a little and cut the menagerie down.

No no no no!

No no no no!

Extra Credit: You have to pee more than once per hour on a car ride

It’s not a killer, but if you can’t hold it for more than 60 minutes, then we’re going to be in trouble. If you can hold it for 3+ hours…. then you definitely win bonus points!

So, now that you’ve seen my list – go create your own, and live by it.

I guarantee it will improve your dating experiences!

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Have some dating questions? Post them here and I’ll address all your dating questions later in the week!

Come back tomorrow for the 12 Best Dates in DC