Category Archives: TMI Thursday

TMI Thursday: Attack of the Feminine Product

And yes.  I’m male.

So I’m sitting at my desk chatting with a whole bunch of co-workers.  I turn my chair and my coat falls on the ground.

Female Coworker: “Hey, your coat fell, you might want to pick it up.”

Me: “Oh thanks!”

So I grab my coat and pick it up and hang it on the back of my chair.

The room suddenly gets really quiet.

So I turn around, and notice everyone staring, mouth agape, at the floor under my chair.

After an awkward pause.

FC: “Uhh, is that what I think it is?”

Fuck.  What did I just drop?  A condom?  Did I have a bottle of lube in my pocket?  A vibrator?  A 12 inch dildo?  Shitshitshitshitshit what did I have in that coat??????

I look down…. and the blood rushes from my head.

Keeping in mind that there are now 5 of my co-workers standing around….

And there, sitting on the floor, under my chair was…..

a tampon.

It was very clear to the entire room that the tampon came from my coat.  There was no other explanation.

Uhhhh what do I say? Err uhhh I get really bad nose bleeds a lot and so I keep it around just incase? No no no they won’t buy that.  Uhhh I have a tendency to crap my pants, so when I’m really really nervous I pop it on in just incase?  Yuck.  No.  Uhhhh shit I’m running out of time.  Quick! What’s the excuse here?????

So, I did the only thing I could think of at that moment:  I said oops yep, picked it up, and put it right back in my inside pocket in my jacket as if this was completely normal.

Keeping in mind that my face was 17 shades of red.

I guess I must have shoved one in my pocket for GF at some point in the past and forgotten about it.  Can we all say “whooooooops” together now?

Oh well.  I guess it could have always been worse.

It could have been used.

(Pause for “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwws”)

ToBlogOr's Pocket Buddy

ToBlogOr's Pocket Buddy

But wait, there’s more!

In honor of TMI Thursday – I am posting a list of my favorite TMI Search terms from this past week.  Keep in mind, not only were these people searching for these disgusting things…. they found MY blog using them.

TMI Thursday: Search Terms Edition


  • how long it takes to poop out food
  • naked hairy man on bed
  • two muscular hairy guys fucking
  • men with really hairy butts
  • smurf asshole
  • i have hair everywhere
  • i have a hard time passing my poop out
  • hairy balls porn
  • what do genital crabs look like
  • i hate pooping in public bathrooms (Amen brotha!)
  • suck a christmas dick
  • old farts on bicycles
  • fat ball sack
  • gay hairy asshole
  • “i had bad gas” fart
  • gravity and pooping
  • how long it takes you to poop
  • how long to push for pooping
  • sexy bathroom poop
  • toilet paper stuck in crack
  • hairy muscle gay bears
  • guys poop more then women
  • how to get rid of little bitches
  • hair continues down neck women hairy
  • why does my girlfriend act like a little bitch

And my favorite for the week:

  • do all dogs have hairy ass holes

So, with that, I wish you all a fabulously fantastic TMI Thursday!

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TMI Thursday: TP Philosophy

Toilet paper usage is a highly under-discussed philosophical issue that I have decided to bring to the forefront of our TMI Thursday work.

Over or Under?

Over or Under?

I find this issue to be important enough that I will refrain from my usual joking around, and play this completely straight.  With that in mind, let us proceed.

A quote from Wikipedia:

Although paper had been known as a wrapping and padding material in China since the 2nd century BC, the first use of toilet paper in human history dates back to the 6th century AD, in early medieval China. In 589 AD the scholar-official Yan Zhitui (531–591) wrote about the use of toilet paper:

“Paper on which there are quotations or commentaries from Five Classics or the names of sages, I dare not use for toilet purposes”.

Further:

Wealthy people used wool, lace or hemp for their ablutions, while less wealthy people used their hand when defecating into rivers, or cleaned themselves with various materials such as rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corn cobs, depending upon the country and weather conditions or social customs. In Ancient Rome, a sponge on a stick was commonly used, and, after usage, placed back in a bucket of saltwater.

Uhhhhh can we say OOOOOUUUUUCCCCHHHH???  Stone??  Sand???  Wood shavings?  Good lord.  My ass can’t even handle the single ply stuff, let alone one of those things.  I can’t even imagine.

“Hey Bill, gotta shit.  Looks like the bathroom is out of rocks.  You mind grabbing a handful of pebbles for me on your way in?”

Yikes.

Oh wait, I was supposed to play this blog entry “straight” – sorry about that.

Where was I?

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that I faced a philosophical issue when I was on my trip to London recently.

Wait wait wait.  Hold on.  I’m getting way ahead of myself.  Let me take a step back again.

So, let’s talk shit basics.

Step 1:  Pull down your pants/underwear

Step 2:   Sit on the toilet – preferably with the seat down

Step 3:  Flex the muscles that control your anal sphincter

Step 4:  Do a crossword puzzle, read a magazine, etc

Step 5:  Shit magically drops out of your butt-hole and into the toilet

Step 6:  Grab some toilet paper and wipe

Step 7:  Repeat step 6 until no more shit is left

Step 8:  Flush

(and no, we are not going to talk about the philosophy of the courtesy flush.  This is an entry about TP – let’s give it the time it deserves.  Ok??)

So, let’s examine step 6 & 7. 

My question is:  how much toilet paper do you take when you wipe your ass?

My answer is:  it’s different every time.

I mean, depending on the consistency and quantity of crap, it all varies.  At first I grab a nice handful and do a scouting run.  Depending on the results, I will vary my usage.

  • The drippier the result, the more I use, and the more I crumple the TP.
  • If the crap is fairly hard, I might not need to wipe again (although I always do, just in case I missed something the first time).  In this scenario I usually just use 2-3 squares folded neatly.

We all do this kind of thing.  There is really no question about it.  In fact, it really sucks when you have to use an alien bathroom and the toilet paper dispenser doesn’t work quite like you want it to.  This means you can’t follow your normal TP philosophy.  An example is when the toilet paper roller isn’t well oiled and it’s hard to get any more than 1 square at a time. 

I f’n hate that. 

Or how about when the roller is TOO well oiled, and when you pull off your expected amount, a huge pile of TP forms on the ground, as the roll comes… well….. completely unrolled. 

This brings up so many other questions, such as, do I really want to wipe my ass with TP that’s touched the floor in a public bathroom?  Probably not…. but I also don’t want to be that guy who leaves a huge pile of TP sitting on the floor.  It’s wasteful, it looks nasty, and it’s embarrassing if the guy in the next stall over notices (I mean, who wants to look like they suck at pulling toilet paper off a roll??)

As you can see, I’ve put a lot of thought into this.

Anyway, it might be time for me to get to my point….

Recently, I took a trip to London.  On that trip, I learned that public bathrooms in that city are fantastic.  Clean and well maintained.  In fact, some of the bathrooms in the malls there were treated better than the one I use at work!  It was fantabulistically grand.

Except for 1 thing

The toilet paper dispensers were all fucked up.

While everything was normal in my hotel room, in public areas, they all had the same kind of toilet paper dispenser.  And they all did the same god-damn thing.

They rationed toilet paper.

Apparently there must be a shortage of toilet paper in the UK, because these fuckers were calibrated exactly the same.  When you grab some TP from the dispenser, it will only give you 2 sheets of toilet paper, with exactly 2 squares each.  You see, there’s no roll, just a big pile of pre-sized TP sheets.

What the hell??

Did someone decide that we’re not smart enough to decide how much toilet paper is appropriate for our own ass?  How did they decide that this was the perfect amount of TP for each wipe?? 

I’m sorry, but 1 size does not fit all!!

Let’s consider this for a moment.  By controlling the serving size of the TP, they have actually altered the physics of wiping. 

Really?  C’mon.  It’s just toilet paper.  How can you start bringing up lofty topics like physics when talking about wiping your ass?

Because if there were a Journal of the Physics of Ass-Wiping, I would be the editor.  You see, it is physically impossible to create an effective crumpled ball of toilet paper from separate sheets containing only 2 squares.  If you are REALLY bored and want to know the science behind this, go here.

Oh whatEVER.  Suck it up buddy and wipe your ass.

Shut up and pay attention. 

You see, your options are pretty much limited to the “fold and wipe” when you only have 2 squares to work with.  This is a problem when you are traveling long distances overseas and your digestive system is unhappy with the overall situation.  Why?  Because it could mean that your ass is a wee bit more drippy than usual.  Or a LOT more drippy than usual.  Or just a freakin’ faucet. 

So?? It’s not like you’ve never encountered that problem before.  Quit your complaining and wipe your ass like a man.

You aren’t paying attention.  Stay with me here.

So, wet shit soaks through thin sheets of TP, which is why the crumple works so well.  By crumpling the TP you  increase surface area, as well as the distance between your hand and your shit.  These are 2 very important concepts, because……

When you can’t do the crumple effectively, you know what you get?

SHIT ALL OVER YOUR HAND.

Or in this case, shit all over my hand.

This is not exactly a preferred result of ass wiping.

Oh stop, why can’t you put together a whole bunch of those sheets and form a nice crumpled ball?

Physics my dear inner-voice, physics.  It’s because the sheets aren’t connected. 

In order to form an effective crumple ball, you need at least 5-8 sheets.  When the sheets aren’t connected, and you crumple them up, it doesn’t guarantee they are going to stay together.  It’s not like they’re glued together.  No, you see, it takes very little force to jiggle 1 or 5 of those single serving sheets free from the crumple ball.  And when I say “very little force,” things such as gravity, or a slight northeast breeze on the western plains of Mongolia, are enough to jiggle things free.

What does that mean?

MORE SHIT ON MY HANDS.

and even worse?

A shit covered piece of toilet paper sitting on my lap.

Ew.

———————————————————————

When visiting London, there were many cultural differences that I observed, but it was the variance in their ass-wiping philosophy that was the most shocking.

After a week, I was finally able to identify the driver of the philosophical difference: diet

The lack of fiber in the British diet eventually made me super-constipated.  Hard shit means less toilet paper usage.

I guess that explains why the British always have pained looks on their faces.

 

TP Philosophy

The Poop Time Principle

Poop is like income tax.  Neither are pleasant when you consider them singularly… but when you put them in context, both are great.

  • Taxes: Giving money to the government is no fun, but having to pay income tax means that I have a job, which is a positive.  There are also all sorts of super useful and important government programs that my taxes help fund.  Things such as the $221,490 the government gave for the Brown Mansion in Coffeyville, KS because it is believed to be a site of paranormal activity and has recently been popular for ghost hunters looking for a scare.  I used to love the X-files and thought Scully was hot.  If the government wants to use my tax money to fund a real-life Fox Mulder and Scully, then I’m all for it.

The Poop Time Principle

  • Poop: Pooping means my digestive system is still mostly intact and that I have cleared room so I can eat more food.  I like to eat, so clearing room is very important.  Pooping is also important for other reasons that I’m about to discuss.

The point here is, if we didn’t have either, we’d be up shit’s creek (cue groans).

So, why do I want to talk about poop today?  Well, in honor of the whole TMI Thursday thing (known here as Randomly Rambunctious Remarks III), I want to discuss “Poop Time.”

“Poop Time” could refer to the amount of time it takes you to push some poop out of your body, but that’s just icky and it’s not what I’m talking about. 

Let me tell explain.

Growing up, I was a fast pooper.  I was always in and out of the bathroom within 90 seconds at the most.  It actually became lore among people who knew me well.

And then there’s my Dad.  (Hi Dad!  Look, another mention in my blog! You’re famous!)

When I was growing up, every day after breakfast my Dad, along with several sections of the newspaper, would disappear into the downstairs bathroom for 15 or 20 minutes.  It was such a routine that I made sure I read the sports section before breakfast just so I wouldn’t interrupt it.

The thing is, I always wondered what he did in there.  I mean, I figured he was reading, but I couldn’t understand why he would need to.  For me, it was a waste to bring a book into the bathroom, since I would barely make it through a page or 2 before I was done.

This was all so very confusing…. so one day I finally just asked. 

“Dad, why do you spend so much time pooping?”

And that’s when I learned about the stunning principle of “Poop Time.”

Poop Time refers to the block of time that a person is in the bathroom, but it’s all a cover. 

It’s really bonding time with ourselves. 

You see, to most of the known universe, the concept of someone else’s poop is disgusting.  I’m pretty sure we’re born with the knowledge that bothering someone while they are pooping is, using a technical term here, yucky.  By taking advantage of this principle, a person can legitimately book a significant amount of guaranteed uninterrupted time every day, under the guise of pooping.  Everyone needs alone time, which is especially hard to get when you are at work or at home with your family. 

My Dad told me¹ that it was Sir Isaac Newton who first discovered the Poop Time Principle.  Apparently Newton was on the toilet dropping a deuce when he formulated the concept of gravity.  The problem was that he wouldn’t have any credibility if he told the rest of the world that he discovered this groundbreaking concept while looking at some medieval porn on the shitter.  No, another story needed to be created.

Newton puzzled over this conundrum for hours while relaxing outside under a tree.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, an apple fell and knocked him pretty hard on the head.  While rubbing the rapidly growing bump on his oversized noggin, he realized something: with all of the distractions in the world, he did his best thinking while sitting on the toilet.

The Poop Time Principle

Thus the Poop Time Principle was conceived.  Eureka! 

Newton then realized that he could use the falling apple thing as his cover story for discovering gravity, and it would also be a secret tribute to his more impactful discovery of the Poop Time Principle. 

From that point on, fathers from all over the world have taught their sons the importance of the Poop Time Principle.  With the advent of women’s rights, some pioneering women have also learned to apply the principle as well.

Just as my father taught me about it, I will pass this knowledge along to my children one day.

You probably didn’t know it, but today is the 300th anniversary of the discovery of the Poop Time Principle.  On November 20th, 1708 Newton’s poop changed history.

So, in honor of this anniversary, I ask you to take an extra moment while in the bathroom today and appreciate your alone time.

I did, because that’s where I wrote this entry. 

¹This may or may not be true.