Category Archives: Man Review

My Deepest Darkest Secrets

This whole metrosexual thing really bothers me sometimes.  It’s kind of like Bon Jovi for men.  You see, most of us deny that we like Bon Jovi, yet we’re all secretly excited when “Bad Medicine” comes on the radio.  You don’t have to admit it to me, but I know you have all the words memorized.

So, why does this whole metrosexual thing bother me?  Because it conflicts with my manly-man side.  It’s really like I have multiple personalities, where half of me is like John Wayne:

 
My Deepest Darkest Secrets
 

And the other half is like Nathan Lane:

 
My Deepest Darkest Secrets
 

And the John Wayne side wants to beat the snot out of the Nathan Lane side for even considering getting a manicure.

The culmination of this internal battle royale came last night, when I did something that I may regret for the rest of my life.

I applied a facial moisturizing mask. 

Voluntarily. 

And I enjoyed it.

WAIT!

Ok, before you get all up in arms, I know that there is no acceptable excuse or explanation.  I will not try to defend myself here, but I will provide some context:  It was free, the product was made in Israel by Jews (gotta support the tribe!), GF and I did it together, and I was blackmailed by Columbian Drug Czars. 

Let the public flogging begin.

You see, I was already cringing with embarrassment when I was applying  a thin layer of paste evenly over my face while making sure I avoided the area just around my eyes. 

And then I got to thinking, while I was letting it set for 10 to 12 minutes.  (But not too intensely thinking, as to avoid inadvertently removing any paste before the time was up.) 

And then it came to me… while I was gently removing the mask with warm water.

No one really cares.

Except for me.

I alone am causing myself this stress.  My John Wayne side is embarrassed about all the girly things my Nathan Lane side likes…. and my Nathan Lane side is embarrassed about all the neanderthalish things that my John Wayne side likes.

I’ve been harboring all sorts of fears, and resentments, and embarrassments over my likes and dislikes, and it has to come to an end.  I need to come clean.  Because once it’s out in the open, I can truly feel comfortable with who am I.  I need John and Nathan to be comfortable with each other, and maybe even man-cuddle once in a while.

It’s going to be tough, I have some secrets that are so deep and dark that I shiver even thinking about admitting them in public.  But I know it must be done.  I’m doing this to improve my life, and to be an inspiration to other men in my position all over this fine planet.

So world?  I’m coming out of the closet.  NO, I’m not gay.  I’m not a metro-sexual.  I’m a metro-man-ual.

 

The 6 Confessions of Why I’m a Woman

 

Getting Clear

  • I was looking at my face one day many eons ago and I really didn’t like how clogged all my pores looked in my nose.  I thought to myself, hmm maybe I could use a piece of tape and that might help unclog them.  And then I learned there’s a product out there that does the same thing, and isn’t as harsh on the skin.  So yes, I’ve used Bioré Face Strips.

Yummy face-yness

  • It was free, and it happened in the back woods of Vermont.  I had some dude give me a face/head/neck/shoulder massage for like 30 minutes.  He used hot towels on my face.  And then he cleared all my clogged pores.  And my skin felt all soft afterward.  Yes world, it’s true.  I had a “Man Facial.”  And you know what?  I’d do it again.

I pay more than $20 for a haircut

  • I got faked into this one, because I have a friend who is a hair stylist.  One thing led to another, and suddenly I had this lady giving me head/neck massages while washing my hair.  What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a good head rub.

I love shoes

  • I can’t travel with less than 3 pairs of shoes.  In fact, I get excited when I get a DSW coupon in the mail ($20 by December 24th!).  So what if I leave the shoe store with more boxes than GF???

I like nice soap

  • No, I might not use body wash, but I love me some nice smelly soaps.  I’m not talking Irish Spring, I’m talking the good stuff you can buy at those girly stores like Bath and Body Works and the like.  It pains me to even say it, but I…. *deep breath deep breath* …. I…. know how to spell exfoliation.  And I can’t live without it.

I dig a good chick-flick

  • I recently saw “The Holiday”…… and I liked it.  In fact, I even watched the entire Sex in the City series.  Of course, I do still have a pair of testicles, so there are some lines I just can’t cross – so, I haven’t seen Steel Magnolias or Fried Green Tomatoes.  Though, I might have read “The Bridges of Madison County” and teared up.  (you like how I snuck that last fact in?  So sue me, I read it, I liked it, and I did it for a girl… that I never even hooked up with.  I sure was a sucker on that deal, eh?)

My deepest darkest secret

  • I enjoy reading People Magazine.  And Us Weekly.  Whoa.  Talk about a load off my chest.  It was getting expensive having to keep going to the doctor JUST so I could read the most recent copies. 

 

The 6 Confessions of Why I’m a Man

 

My Massive Tool…… Box

  • I own a huge tool box with just about every hand tool known to mankind.  I haven’t used half of them, but I am prepared incase just about anything breaks.  I even own a 6 inch Medium Mill Bastard File, just incase I ever have to file a bastard.  And yes, power tools give me an erection.

Size Matters

  • When it comes to multi-media products.  I have huge-ass speakers that are totally inappropriate for the size of my apartment.  But who cares?  They look great.  And no, I’m not  compensating.   Though watching action movies on a 50+ inch widescreen TV does make my balls bigger.

I Love Sports

  • If sports are on TV, I cannot tear my eyes away.  It doesn’t matter what sport it is… football, hockey, boxing, UFC, bull riding, golf, tennis, basketball, greco-roman wrestling, badminton, etc.  If it’s on, I’m watching it.  The bloodier, the better.   Multiply this by 623 when Philadelphia sports teams are on the tube.  Hell,  I even teared up when the Phillies won the world series.

I fart/burp

  • Publicly.  And take credit for my work.  That is all.

Grill me

  • I can’t really cook a lick in a kitchen, but stick me in front of a grill, and I can create a gourmet meal.  I think, genetically, all men are able to cook using fire.  It’s like a caveman thing.

I hug

  • No, not a wussy-man hug.  A MAN hug.  My only question is: who was the brilliant person who designed it?  It’s a recent development and whoever designed it needs to win a Nobel or something.   

Bonus Confession

  • I don’t use “product.”  In spite of all you’ve read above, I don’t actually own any moisturizers or anything like that I use on a regular basis… other than deodarant.  I have some sort of aftershavey type stuff, but I haven’t used it in ages.  Sometimes I feel like I really should be using some stuff, but the product aisle always confuses me.  This makes my John Wayne side happy.

So there you have it.  The cat’s out of the bag.  You now know my deepest darkest secrets. 

I’d write more about my feelings and stuff, but I don’t really have time for that right now.

The new US Weekly just came in, and I have some reading to do.

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Yoga Class: A Man Review

Real men don’t cry, and real men don’t do yoga.  Apparently real men don’t Tango either, but I screwed that one up a while ago

You see, GF really wants me to go to yoga with her, and I’ve resisted for quite some time.  My main argument goes something like this: 

There’s only 1 other guy in the class, and he looks like this:

A Man Review

Is that what you want me to look like?

This worked for a while…

But GF would not relent, and after a while, those puppy dog eyes won out and I agreed to go.

Fine.  Fuck it.  I’ll do it…. but only cause I can blog about it afterward.

You see, I like to think of myself as a pretty in-shape kind of guy. I go to the gym fairly regularly, and eat well.

A Man Review

This yoga thing can’t be THAT hard…. can it?

So, for all the men out there in the world who are wondering the very same thing….  here’s a running diary of my very first yoga class.   

6:35pm – Get dressed in super matchy Adidas running outfit.

Ooh lah lah I look hotttttttt today! So athletic. Oh ToBlogOr, your pecs look so big in that shirt….

6:45pm – Decide to drive the 3/4 of a mile to yoga instead of running.

Don’t want to be too sweaty because that will mess up my hair tired before I get there

6:48pm – Commence vulgar outburst at car in front for driving 15mph under the speed limit

!@%$&#!!!!!

6:49pm – Finish vulgar outburst at car in front for now driving 12mph under the speed limit

I forgive you. You have Virginia plates…. you know not what you are doing….

6:56pm – Parallel park and sprint from car with yoga mat

Can’t be late… can’t be late… must get spot….

6:59pm – Enter class a bit out of breath with 1 minute to spare.  Everyone impressed that I “ran” to class

That’s right… whose the athlete now?  Check out the pecs baaaaby!  Hmmm ok what’s the best spot to pick… where do I get the best view? 

7:00pm – Class begins.

Ouch. The ground is hard.  What the hell is up with these Nike yoga mats? They’re like .0003 mm thick.  Ergh.  Ok, suck it up buddy, it’s only an hour and 15 minutes…. you can do this.

7:01pm – “Welcome to class, it’s so good to see everyone. How about we start on our backs?”

Hmmm I’m hungry. Is class almost over yet? Hmmm well hello there hottie yoga chicks…. looking forward to checking out your “downward dog’s” heh heh heh

 A Man Review

7:05pm – “Ok everyone, while on your back bring your legs up to your chest and make big circles…”

Is this all there is? What? I must be doing it wrong…. ok calm down, just look around but pretend you know what you are doing….

7:12pm – “While on your hands and knees, let’s do Cat and Cow.  So lift your head and push your pelvis out…..”

Cat? Cow? No… this is doggie style practice! Woo! I knew I’d like yoga! heh heh heh

7:19pm – “Bending over at your waist, put your hands on the floor, and step back with your right leg.  Then put your arms up into Warrior…..

Hmmm the hot chick in front of me isn’t too bad.  I can see her boobs every time she bends over.  Damnit, she keep catching me checking her out… focus…. focus….  boobs….. boooooobbbssssss

7:26pm – “Slide forward into Plank…. knees, chest, & chin as you move into Upward Dog.”

Ooooh these are like push-ups.  I can do this!  That’s right ladies… check out the upper body strength.

7:31pm – “Don’t forget to return to the breath…”

Uhhhh what? Return to the breath?  Return it where?  Why does everyone sound like they have emphysema?

 7:38pm – “We’re going to be working on opening up our hips.” 

Translation: we’re going to squish your balls now in every imaginable angle.  Hmmmm these positions would be so much more fun if we did it with partners.  Mmmm good position to see more boo…..

7:39pm – SMACK

Oops hello GF, nice to see you too

7:44pm – “Let’s reach forward with our right leg.  If you can slide into the splits, take it slow.”

Oouch ouch ouch owwwwww shit fuck ouch hamstring HAMSTRING  groin groin GROIN GROIN GROIN GROIN AAARGHHH!

7:53pm –  I missed what she just said, but I think it sounded something like: “Now with your right leg back behind you, lift your left leg over your right ear and place your left wrist to the left of your forward buttock.  Make sure your hips are even.”

Are you fucking kidding me lady?  How do women do this?  I’d like to keep all my tendons and ligaments in place, thank you very much.  What the hell is this position called anyway?  Standing Buttfucker?

A Man Review

7:57pm – “While standing, place your right foot on the inside of your left calf.  Then, as we levitate, make sure you don’t lean too far to the left, as the room is a bit crowded.  Keep your hands tight to your lower back, to protect it.”

I may or may not be hallucinating at this point.  I think I forgot to breath….

7:59pm – “Now everyone pick up your porridge, and let’s sing some songs from Mary Poppins.  While we’re doing that, let’s do one last sun salute.”

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m hallucinating now… why are we worshiping the sun this late in the session? Mmmmmmm porridge….

8:01pm – “Let’s return to our backs… if you have any last positions you’d like…..”

Positions I’d like?  Is fetal-while-whimpering-and-sucking-thumb a yoga position?

8:03pm – “Your legs are relaxing….. your legs are relaxing….”

Ahhhh she turned out the lights.  Feeling relaxed…. feeling relaaaaaaaxed….. gotta pee….. itch on my nose…. don’t scratch it….. is that an ant on my arm?…… damn I’m sweaty….. I swear that’s gotta be an ant….. argh…. trying to relax…… if I relax anymore I’m gonna pee my pants…… relaaaaaaaaxxxxx

8:13pm – “……………………”

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

8:15pm – “Thank you for sharing your practice with me today….”

————————————

And that was the end of that.  While feeling a bit like a pretzel, I still had all my limbs attached and a small shred of my dignity in place.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be, but not hard enough to scare me away from doing it again.  Plus, there were a plethora of boobies barely concealed by the tight yoga outfits.  Definitely a plus!

If you want to keep your extra manly image, yoga may not be right for you – but I’m pretty confident in my sexuality, and coming across as “sensitive” helps me get laid. 

Will I go back? 

Maybe….

Apparently, for a guy at his first yoga class, I’m sort of flexible. 

GF was impressed.