I’m pretty sure this is going to be the best (worst?) TMI Thursday post ever. LiLu over at Live, it Love it inspired me with her post on Tuesday about her first day of work. And it got me thinking about my first day at my last job.
I learned a lot that first day of work, and 1 important lesson will stick with me for a lifetime.
You know when you buy new shoes you can “wear them out” of the store? Well, apparently you can do the same thing with new boxers at the Gap.
Maybe I should start at the beginning……
It was April 2005 and I was massively nervous. Why? Because I was just about to embark on a new job and a completely new career. Even though I was brand spankin’ new at this stuff, I’m not completely moronic, and was able to negotiate myself into a pretty nice position at my shiny new company. That said, while all my peers were about my age, they were also all significantly more experienced than me.
I hate it when people know more than me. It makes me nervous. Being nervous gives me gas. And I had bad gas. Really bad gas.
It started right at the beginning of the day, when I transformed from ToBlogOr the sterling-new-employee, to ToBlogOr the fart-o-matic.
To the front desk assistant:
Me: Good morning! I’m ToBlogOr, it’s my first day. *fartfart* I’m supposed to meet Lisa – where should I go? *fartfartaudiblefartfart*
FDA: Welcome! Just go ahead and sit down in the waiting room and I’ll call up for her. She’ll be here momentarily.
Me: Ok! *fartfartfart*
Me: *Waiting* *fartfartfartreallystinkyfartfart*
*Lisa walks in, breathing normally*
L: Good morning ToBlogOr! coughcough It’s coughcough nice to coughcough see you. Hmm it smells like someone might have left rotting carcasses spilled something in here, lets coughcough go out to a conference room to talk. coughcough
Me: Uhhh, yeah, I noticed it uhh smelled a little funny when I uhhhh walked in.
L (while walking with me down the hall): Oh hi Steve, this is ToBlogOr, he’s just starting with us today.
Me: Hi Steve, great to meet you! *fartfartfart*
S: Great to meet you. Looking forward to coughcoughcoughgagcoughcough Excuse me please. *walks away dry heaving*
Me: Who was that?
L: Oh, Steve? He’s the president of the company.
Me: Oh. *fartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfart*
So, let’s review.
I’ve been at my new job for about 15 minutes and I’ve already gassed the secretary, the HR lady, and the president of the company. In fact, in those 15 minutes, my ass was the 4th largest gas producer on Earth.
I’m so fucked. I can see it already, Steve is going to go talk to the IT guy about the smelly new guy and my email address is going to be firstname.lastname@example.org
So anyway, Lisa and I talk for about an hour and I do my best to keep my butt cheeks clamped as tight as possible. Last thing I need is a police investigation about the death of a local DC HR officer from unknown sulfur and methane gas emissions.
We finish, and I’m off to find my new desk and computer.
Unfortunately, the company has been running out of office space, so instead of having a nice little office or cubicle to myself, which could privately contain my gaseous emissions….. they stick me at a desk in the middle of the hallway, right next to the main printer.
So, for the next 2 hours or so, I basically gas every employee at the company. They must have thought I wasn’t very nice, since I was so embarrassed I never even looked up when someone walked by or stopped at the printer.
Ok, ok. Enough of this. I should go to the bathroom and see if I can do anything about this problem.
So I search out the bathroom, sulfur smell in hot pursuit.
As I’m trying to decide which stall looks best, I feel a HUGE fart coming on… since I was alone in the bathroom, and without thinking, I just let ‘er RIP.
It wasn’t a fart.
I just shit my pants.
And I didn’t just shit my pants. I totally explosively diarrhea’d my pants.
You know the saying “shit rolls downhill” right? Well, apparently it drips down the leg as well.
There aren’t enough expletives on earth to explain what went through my mind in that moment. Thankfully, I’m a quick thinker, and just about as fast I could, I dove into the closest stall, whipped off my pants/boxers, and planted my ass on the toilet.
Problem solved, right? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Problem 1: I had a pair of boxers that were absolutely destroyed. And when I say destroyed, I mean completely shit soaked. The biggest problem is that boxers are un-flushable. The last thing I needed right then was to clog a toilet, so I had to figure out what to do with them. It was like I had just murdered someone and had to dispose of the murder weapon. Except in this case, the murder weapon was a pair of extra-soiled boxers.
Problem 2: I was in possession of a very nice pair of khaki’s with a huge brown shit stain from the ass part right down my leg.
What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do.
Here it is my first day of work, I’ve gassed out the whole company, and now I’ve shit my pants. There’s no way I can walk out of the bathroom without any pants on and still keep my job. But, if I wear my pants, there’s no way I can get through the day without people barfing on me from the smell.
I tried to quickly formulate a plan.
Hmm this toilet paper is pretty hardy. Maybe I can weave it together tightly into a new pair of boxers and pants. Damnit, if only I had my loom.
I created a small diaper out of TP, but it ended up sort of looking like a thong. Since I’m not really a thong kind of guy, I decided it was best to just go commando and I put my pants back on.
Then I waited.
Once the coast was clear – in one swift cat-like motion I exploded out of the stall while simultaneously shoving my tp-wrapped soiled boxers as far down into the trashcan as I could get them.
I had several things going for me at that moment. Firstly, it was lunchtime, so not too many people were around, and secondly, the bathroom was right next to the stairwell.
Out of the bathroom and down the stairs I bounded – going 6 floors in a world record time of 4.2 seconds.
I ran out onto the street.
FREE!! WOO!! I’m out!!
Uhhhh. What do I do now?
Since it was my first day on the job and I didn’t really know the area, I had no idea where to go. Luckily I had my cell phone on me, and I called the only person I could think of.
I spoke quickly and gave just the most relevant facts.
Me: Shit myself. Need new pants quickly. In middle of DC. Where do I go?
Thankfully, there was a Gap only about 4 blocks from me. After sprinting to the store, hoping no one caught a glimpse/whiff, I was able to purchase a new pair of pants and some boxers. My career was saved!
Oh, and there was 1 positive that came out of all of this.
At least I didn’t have to fart anymore.