I am a Criminal

Bet you didn’t know you were hangin’ with a bad boy, now didja?

I’m like Ben Wade from “3:10 to Yuma

I’m a likeable character with a mean streak.  I’m witty, I’m intelligent, I’ll shoot ya dead from 200 yards for just lookin’ at me funny.

I’m a bad ass mo-fo.

Well, about as bad-ass as a yuppy jew with euro-preppy glasses can be.


I am a Criminal


But don’t tell anyone.

I’m on the run.

It’s been that way for a long time….  Several times, the authorities have closed in, but I always seem to wiggle out of a tight situation. 

It’s stressful.  I’m always looking over my shoulder.  Always planning my next move.  Making sure I stay one step ahead.   That’s the life of a criminal.  And I like it.

I normally would keep this kind of thing a secret, but I’m being blackmailed.  Charlotte Harris has been threatening to reveal my dark-side to the rest of the world for quite some time now.  And I’m tired of it.  Tired of all the crazy things she’s forced me to do, while holding this over me.  So Ms. Harris, I will no longer peel all your grapes.  I will no longer watch repeats of “Britney and Kevin” with you.  And I certainly will no longer clean your toilet while dressed in a catholic school girl uniform (though that uniform is MINE.  I want it back!)

So the cat is out of the bag.

You see, I’ve been living in DC for almost 2 years…..

And I still have Virginia plates.

It’s shocking, I know, so I’ll give you a moment to collect your thoughts and change your now-soiled underwear.

Don’t be scared.  I’m not a bad person, I swear.   Ok, ok I might be a bit of a hypocrite, with my rants against Virginia drivers.  But being a hypocrite isn’t against the law.  Not registering my car in DC?  Well, that might be another story.

So – why don’t I just make the change?

Because I hate the DC Parking Authority.

You see, when I moved into the District, I had grand plans to switch my plates and license over and become one of the few, one of the proud, one of the complainiest people known to man-kind.  A DC resident.  Of course, I would be a unique DC resident, because I own a car. 

I now know why this was so out of the ordinary.

The moment I moved into the District, the tickets started flowing in.  It was a slow trickle at first…. maybe a $30 ticket twice a month.  Nothing I couldn’t handle…. right?  I was living the good life, right up until the day that will live in infamy.

The day I met Rosa.

No, Rosa isn’t a saucy little latino babe.  Rosa is the DC Parking Authority’s trump card. 

You see, the DC Parking Authority is the lovechild of the Nazi’s and this guy:

I am a Criminal 

Pure evil totalitarianism combined with blatant stupidity.

Only an organization as devious as this could create Rosa.

Not familiar with Rosa?  Neither was I.

One day I woke up and I had a ticket on my car that was stamped “ROSA.”  It didn’t have any charge associated with it, so I just chucked it out and forgot all about it.

That’s how they get you.  They lull you to sleep.  You see,  Rosa stands for “Registered Out-of-State Automobiles.”

In normal english, that seems a bit innocuous, right?  But in Parking Authority Lingo that actually stands for “we’re-putting-you-on-a-list-and-we-will-track-your-every-movement-with-a-gps-device-we-secretly-injected-into-your-brainstem-and-when-you-step-away-from-your-car-for-3-minutes-or-longer-we-will-give-you-the-largest-ticket-possible-just-because-ha-ha-ha-who-is-the-asshole-now-you-dumbass-Virginia-resident”

$30 ticket, $50 ticket, $100 ticket, $200 ticket.  They started flowing in faster than farts out my ass when I’m nervous.

It didn’t matter what I did.  I couldn’t avoid them.

In fact, I would get tickets when I didn’t even deserve them.  They would just drive by my car and give it a ticket.  Of course, contesting a ticket gets you nowhere, so I was at their mercy…..

And that’s when it became a challenge.  I could not let them win.  It might involve breaking the law, but I was going to take a fundamental stand against the Evil Empire.  You cannot question my manhood and get away with it.  DC Parking Authority…. my reproductive organ is BIGGER than yours.  Bring it on!

In case you wondered, in ToBlogOr lingo, “taking a fundamental stand against the Evil Empire” translates into “getting-a-garage-parking-spot-as-soon-as-fucking-possible-before-I-go-bankrupt.”

So, now I pay a pretty hefty fee each month to keep my car parked safely indoors.  Safe from the weather.  Safe from the Adams Morgan hoodlums that will break my windows with a shopping cart for no apparent reason.  And most importantly, safe from the Parking Authority Nazi’s.

Of course, I could just save the money and register my car in DC, but no…. DC is already using all the funds they sucked from me to throw a pretty nice Inaugural Ball…. and didn’t even f’n invite me!

I’m not completely safe though.  I still have to venture out of my safe haven once in a while.  You see, GF also lives in DC, and when I stay over at her place, my soft-Virginia-plated-underbelly is exposed.

Being a criminal is an exciting life.  Not everyone can handle the pressure, but I thrive in it.

Except on the last Tuesday of every month, because that’s when Rosa comes out to play.


15 responses to “I am a Criminal

  1. you pre-emptively outed yourself!? damn, now what idle threats will i torture you with?

    Didn’t think I had it in me, didja?? This blog is all about truth and honesty. I couldn’t stand to go another minute without being honest with my readers. Plus, my ass really couldn’t handle the thong that goes along with the catholic school girl uniform any more.

  2. You should move to Canada with US plates. The cops, even while in the middle of writing you a ticket, will tell you that they can’t legally track you across the border so you don’t have to pay. Even when you have a city-registered parking spot. Not that I’d know or anything…..

    Whoa! Canada here I come! (Mmmm poutine!)

  3. I’m sorry. Did you just rail against VA drivers?

    You gotta know that it’s MD drivers that suck danky toes.

    VA drivers outside of DC are just fine. MD drivers like to drive reallllly slowly in the passing lane, but wouldn’t dare driving in the slow lane. It actually works out well if you know the secret. If you want to drive fast in MD – use the far right lane… no one’s there!

  4. I’ve lived in DC for over 12 years, and I still have Virginia plates. Car insurance is much cheaper. And more importantly, as a “Virginia resident,” your vote actually counts for something. Keep your VA status; it has its perks.

    Hmm lets see…. Yes. Yes. yes and YES! Yay for votes that count! (of course, our votes do count for President since DC gets 3 electoral votes…. but its not like there’s any question which party DC residents are going to vote for….)

  5. Oh, I love ROSA! Anyone who visits me more than twice gets a nasty note on the windshield asking them to come down to DC and verify that they do, indeed, live out of state, and not with me. Guilty ’til proven innocent, that’s the DC way!

    You are so right about the guilty until proven innocent. I had a chance to avoid the Rosa thing, but I just ignored it. Stupid stupid me.

  6. I support you in your fight against the DC Parking Authority.

    Which means, basically, I will continue to read your blog and laugh. That is all.

    Fight the power!

    I won’t rail against them too much, at least we don’t have the philly parking authority.


  7. I kept my Iowa plates for almost a year when I lived in NC. Until my fiance got arrested and we had to tell them we’d been living there for eight months.

    Totally busted.

    Ooops. What’d he get arrested for? Driving a stolen vehicle?

  8. I am a professional hypocrite…no shame. Another reason I am happy not to drive.

    Professional hypocrite? Sweet! Do you get paid? How do I become a professional? Do you teach lessons? Teach me oh great master!

  9. You know why most criminals get caught? They can’t keep from yapping about the crime. Jesus, man, why didn’t you include a photo of your plate, too?

    Don’t come cryin’ to me when you’re picked first for prison volleyball. And by “volleyball” I mean–well, you know what I mean.

    Damnit. And I was going to post today all about how I robbed a bank last week… it was going to be a great post too!!

  10. You know, Charlotte Harris looks all innocent. But the minute she gets a drink in her hand, it’s all blackmail and kicking kittens…

    You are SO right about this one. Keep your kitties away from her!!!

  11. So, it seems all you need is a friend who lives in the Commonwealth (or, god forbid, Maryland, but who’d want to voluntarily admit to living there?) to give you an “alibi.” Could be cheaper than a garage.

    Haha yes. You know, they’re actually smarter than that. They require you to have a recent utility bill thats in your name. I mean, I guess I could get a friend to change their billing to my name, but I feel like that could be a bit more illegal…. plus I’d be on the hook for their utility bill. Of course, it all really depends on who the “friend” is.

  12. I can’t believe you pay for a parking spot in a garage just because you don’t want to change your plates. No more dissing Virginia!

    That’s not the ONLY reason. Also the weather and hoodlums… and also so I don’t have to wander around aimlessly looking for parking spots every night. ‘Cause I’m lazy. That’s pretty much it.

  13. i somewhat begrudgingly became an official DCist when i registered to vote this fall. but my out-of-state driver’s license will never be surrendered! at least not until 2010

    My deepest condolences. Ms. Holmes-Norton is a wonderful lady and she will kick and scream for you quite well. Of course, no one cares what she has to say, but at least she puts on a good show. Kinda like the UN.

  14. Technically, you’re supposed to change your driver’s license within 90 days of moving to DC and your plates soon thereafter. People avoided it for years not only because of the hassle, but also because of the excise tax based on the value of your car that used to be imposed on incoming DC residents. That tax is history, so there is really no reason to avoid changing your plates.

    Having been to the DMV many times in my ten years here, I recommend that you:
    1) if possible, go to any DMV office but C Street
    2) go early and take your iPod/reading materials 3) bring your own pen- they act like you’re imposing on them if you borrow one of theirs- and ALL the stuff they ask for on the website, plus at least one/two other forms of ID. Be prepared for anything you read on the website to be inaccurate.

    4) take your happy pills before going.

    Seriously, go on a day when you’re in such a good mood that very little could phase you. The DMV staff are so stupid, recalcitrant, rude and obtuse that only extreme patience will do.

    As for those tickets, contesting them does work- I do it all the time- as long as you have DC plates. 🙂

    Ok, I’m not sure if you’ve posted here before, and perhaps you didn’t read the rules, but this is a REASON-FREE zone. Don’t be bringing your “reasonable” explanations and “facts” around here. DC ain’t gettin shit from me until they provide me some real service. Like… uhh… errr…. uhhh I dunno. Something good. I’m waiting to hear from them. 😉

  15. I don’t live in DC but when I drive I drive there and will now avoid the Rosa days like the plague that is VA drivers.

    I am also a criminal – I always add one or two of the expensive apple to my bag of cheap apples. I peel off the stickers and everything. I’d feel guilty, but honestly, Harris Teeter is so expensive it’s the least I can do to screw the man.

    BTW your blog is hilarious. Love it.

    Glad you like it! And wow…. you are a serious hardened criminal. That’s like grand theft or larceny or one of those big word things. But screw Harris Teeter – they should be offering good apples to the common man, and not saving em for all the rich people! 😉

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