12 Steps to Becoming a DC Celebrity

Ever want to be a celebrity?  It’s fun to be famous, and whether you realize it or not, ANYONE can be famous at any time.  It’s really up to you to make it happen.

Becoming a celebrity is all about a process.   I mean, you could go out and work really hard and pick up a serious set of skills (or get some major plastic surgery).  But that isn’t necessary.   Since every celebrity has followed the same process,  it is proven that you don’t need to have any visible talent in order to become one.     Why do all the work, when you don’t need to?

That’s why I came up with my list.  I’m here to help you out.

Just realize something:

You can’t become an international star without first being a national star.

12 Steps to Becoming a DC Celebrity

You can’t be a national star, without first being a local star.

12 Steps to Becoming a DC Celebrity

But you need to start someplace.

12 Steps to Becoming a DC Celebrity

So……are you ready to proceed down the road of fame and notoriety?

Great! Let’s go then!

12 steps to becoming a DC Celebrity

Step 1: Have your GF convince you to buy tickets to see Cirque du Soleil.

Advice:  You’ll never become famous by keeping your fat ass planted on your couch.  Get out of your apartment and go someplace where people gather.  They’re only in town for another week, so get your ass in gear!

Step 2: Try to convince other friends to come along, but fail miserably when they use such derogatory references as “gay” and “french”

Advice:  In order to succeed, you must first taste some defeat.  By not being able to convince your friends to hang out with you and your GF, you’ll be extra motivated to do what it takes to become famous.  That’ll teach ’em to diss you!  Plus, no one likes to be called “french.”

Step 3: Purchase tickets online and realize that the price to see the circus has significantly changed since childhood.  The days of $5 tickets are gone.

Advice:  One of the keys to celebrity is spending mass amounts of money.  Why?  Because that’s what celebrities do.  Paying exorbitant prices to see short/fat clowns jaunt around a stage is just the kind of gratuitous expense only a celebrity would make.  It’ll be hard for you to swallow, but it’s a big first step towards attaining your dream.

Step 4: Get caught in massive amounts of traffic on way to “National Harbor”  No, not the Inner Harbor, the NATIONAL Harbor.  Where the fuck is that?  Exactly.

Advice:  In order to reach celebrity status, you have to start by being a big fish in a little pond, so heading to a place that no one knows exists will give you an advantage.  In the DC area, the National Harbor is a perfect spot, since no one goes there.

Step 5: Meet nice group of people at dinner who got confused by Step #4 and actually drove up to Baltimore first.

Advice:  You must meet your potential constituents, and be nice to them.  The dumber the better.  Why dumb?  Well, unless you have some major talent, it’s hard to become a celebrity.  Therefore, you must meet people who are significantly dumber than you, so that they’ll look at you like a star.

Step 6: Surprise GF with front row seats at show.

Advice:  Celebrities always have the best seats.  You want to be seen and that’s hard to do if you are sitting in the nosebleeds.

Step 7:  Have a great laugh with GF when all the clowns keep coming by our seats.  Oh what fun!

Advice:  See, celebrities are always smiling and looking like they are having the time of their life.  Even when freaky ass clowns are harassing you.

Step 8:  Be a random moron.

Advice: This is THE most important step.  By being a random moron, this means that you’ll be chosen to come up on stage during the show and be harassed by the aforementioned clowns.  They don’t pick smart people.  They don’t pre-plan these things.  They ONLY pick random morons from the audience because they are easier more fun to pick on.

Step 9: Endure clown tickling, leg humping, skipping, dancing, and crotch zapping at the amusement of about a thousand of your closest friends.

Advice:  I never said becoming a celebrity was easy.   You don’t even wanna know how many legs were humped in order to get Brittany Spears her first record deal.

Step 10: Exit stage left to much applause and handshaking.

Advice:  Leaving gracefully is key.  You might have been embarrassed, but people only remember the last thing they see.  Yes, you might have had your zipper open on stage, but no one cares.   No on remembers that stuff.  They only remember that you were on stage, and that means you must be special.  A celebrity!  However,  if you trip down the steps on your way out?  1 word: Fucked.

Step 11:  Say things such as “yep, I was the guy on stage” and “Thanks, glad you thought I was super funny” while walking around the tent during intermission, after the show, and on the shuttle bus back to the parking garage.

Advice:  Acknowledging your own celebrity is a key component of being a celebrity.  If you think you are a nobody, everyone else will think you are a nobody.

Step 12:  Realize that fortune doesn’t necessarily come with fame.

Advice:  Just because people know who you are, doesn’t mean you’ll be rich.  True, you might sign an autograph here or there, but don’t rush right out and purchase that sweet Aston Martin yet.  You see, in order to make money, you actually have to have some sort of skills.  Though, if you play your cards just right, you might get asked to star in an Indonesian Soap Opera, and then you’ll be on your way to international stardom!


So there you have it.  If you follow each and every one of these steps, your success is guaranteed.

Because, as shown by my recent experience one fine evening this week.

Any moron can be famous for a moment.  Even me.


12 responses to “12 Steps to Becoming a DC Celebrity

  1. I want a shirt that says “my blog is famous”

    even though its not.

    i mean i could say I’m perez hilton or something.

    Whatever! You’re famous to me!

  2. Isn’t Cirque from Quebec? I’d rather be proper French.

    Yes it is, but I’d rather have someone ask me if I’m canadian than french 😉

  3. Please tell me you only have to do step 8 once. I mean, I’d love to be famous, but not famous for getting humped by clowns. Or peeing my pants onstage after getting humped by clowns.

    It all depends on how famous you want to be. The more humiliation, the more famous. Err, well, minus the whole skills corollary. Pick up some sweet skills, and ya only gotta do it once.

  4. I am famous in my mind and that is enough.

    Also, leave the French out of this! Sure, I am French Canadian and third generations, but still…

    Dudette, you are a DC star already! This post is for the little people like me. And as for the french – french canadian is ok… but the actual french? hmmmm I dunno. I called me buddy, and he was like – Cirque? Yeah, sounds interesting, but aren’t they french??

  5. I’m pseudo-famous on youtube.

    I won’t share why.

    coughcoughteasecoughcough We’ll find out!! Ohhhhhh yes we will.

  6. You are already a celebrity man!

    A celebrity in my own mind? Yes, that’s true!

  7. I would like to hear more from deutlich.

    You complete me. I am so with you on this.

  8. *elbows friend* Is that… OH MY GOD, IT IS!!! It’s To Blog Or!


    I actually get that quite a bit… though usually it’s followed with some snickering rather than the swooning. I appreciate your swoon!

  9. For a fee I will tell everyone why deutlich is famous on youtube!

    I’m in! You have $5 from me!

  10. It would have been way better if you sharted your pants while on the stage.

    Wouldn’t you have loved it if I left a little puddle of poo on the stage?

  11. I’m very big in Europe.

    You know, I’ve heard that before. But to me? You’ll always be a superstar!

  12. That would have been AWESOME. I sat in the front row when I saw the Blue Man group a few months ago, and I really wanted to be taken on stage. Alas, they picked an old Asian woman! Boo!

    Old asian women are less intimidating. They were probably scared you’d hurt them 😉

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