Ever want to be a celebrity? It’s fun to be famous, and whether you realize it or not, ANYONE can be famous at any time. It’s really up to you to make it happen.
Becoming a celebrity is all about a process. I mean, you could go out and work really hard and pick up a serious set of skills (or get some major plastic surgery). But that isn’t necessary. Since every celebrity has followed the same process, it is proven that you don’t need to have any visible talent in order to become one. Why do all the work, when you don’t need to?
That’s why I came up with my list. I’m here to help you out.
Just realize something:
You can’t become an international star without first being a national star.
You can’t be a national star, without first being a local star.
But you need to start someplace.
So……are you ready to proceed down the road of fame and notoriety?
Great! Let’s go then!
12 steps to becoming a DC Celebrity
Step 1: Have your GF convince you to buy tickets to see Cirque du Soleil.
Advice: You’ll never become famous by keeping your fat ass planted on your couch. Get out of your apartment and go someplace where people gather. They’re only in town for another week, so get your ass in gear!
Step 2: Try to convince other friends to come along, but fail miserably when they use such derogatory references as “gay” and “french”
Advice: In order to succeed, you must first taste some defeat. By not being able to convince your friends to hang out with you and your GF, you’ll be extra motivated to do what it takes to become famous. That’ll teach ’em to diss you! Plus, no one likes to be called “french.”
Step 3: Purchase tickets online and realize that the price to see the circus has significantly changed since childhood. The days of $5 tickets are gone.
Advice: One of the keys to celebrity is spending mass amounts of money. Why? Because that’s what celebrities do. Paying exorbitant prices to see short/fat clowns jaunt around a stage is just the kind of gratuitous expense only a celebrity would make. It’ll be hard for you to swallow, but it’s a big first step towards attaining your dream.
Step 4: Get caught in massive amounts of traffic on way to “National Harbor” No, not the Inner Harbor, the NATIONAL Harbor. Where the fuck is that? Exactly.
Advice: In order to reach celebrity status, you have to start by being a big fish in a little pond, so heading to a place that no one knows exists will give you an advantage. In the DC area, the National Harbor is a perfect spot, since no one goes there.
Step 5: Meet nice group of people at dinner who got confused by Step #4 and actually drove up to Baltimore first.
Advice: You must meet your potential constituents, and be nice to them. The dumber the better. Why dumb? Well, unless you have some major talent, it’s hard to become a celebrity. Therefore, you must meet people who are significantly dumber than you, so that they’ll look at you like a star.
Step 6: Surprise GF with front row seats at show.
Advice: Celebrities always have the best seats. You want to be seen and that’s hard to do if you are sitting in the nosebleeds.
Step 7: Have a great laugh with GF when all the clowns keep coming by our seats. Oh what fun!
Advice: See, celebrities are always smiling and looking like they are having the time of their life. Even when freaky ass clowns are harassing you.
Step 8: Be a random moron.
Advice: This is THE most important step. By being a random moron, this means that you’ll be chosen to come up on stage during the show and be harassed by the aforementioned clowns. They don’t pick smart people. They don’t pre-plan these things. They ONLY pick random morons from the audience because they are easier more fun to pick on.
Step 9: Endure clown tickling, leg humping, skipping, dancing, and crotch zapping at the amusement of about a thousand of your closest friends.
Advice: I never said becoming a celebrity was easy. You don’t even wanna know how many legs were humped in order to get Brittany Spears her first record deal.
Step 10: Exit stage left to much applause and handshaking.
Advice: Leaving gracefully is key. You might have been embarrassed, but people only remember the last thing they see. Yes, you might have had your zipper open on stage, but no one cares. No on remembers that stuff. They only remember that you were on stage, and that means you must be special. A celebrity! However, if you trip down the steps on your way out? 1 word: Fucked.
Step 11: Say things such as “yep, I was the guy on stage” and “Thanks, glad you thought I was super funny” while walking around the tent during intermission, after the show, and on the shuttle bus back to the parking garage.
Advice: Acknowledging your own celebrity is a key component of being a celebrity. If you think you are a nobody, everyone else will think you are a nobody.
Step 12: Realize that fortune doesn’t necessarily come with fame.
Advice: Just because people know who you are, doesn’t mean you’ll be rich. True, you might sign an autograph here or there, but don’t rush right out and purchase that sweet Aston Martin yet. You see, in order to make money, you actually have to have some sort of skills. Though, if you play your cards just right, you might get asked to star in an Indonesian Soap Opera, and then you’ll be on your way to international stardom!
So there you have it. If you follow each and every one of these steps, your success is guaranteed.
Because, as shown by my recent experience one fine evening this week.
Any moron can be famous for a moment. Even me.