I’m pretty sure this is going to be the best (worst?) TMI Thursday post ever. LiLu over at Live, it Love it inspired me with her post on Tuesday about her first day of work. And it got me thinking about my first day at my last job.
I learned a lot that first day of work, and 1 important lesson will stick with me for a lifetime.
You know when you buy new shoes you can “wear them out” of the store? Well, apparently you can do the same thing with new boxers at the Gap.
Maybe I should start at the beginning……
It was April 2005 and I was massively nervous. Why? Because I was just about to embark on a new job and a completely new career. Even though I was brand spankin’ new at this stuff, I’m not completely moronic, and was able to negotiate myself into a pretty nice position at my shiny new company. That said, while all my peers were about my age, they were also all significantly more experienced than me.
I hate it when people know more than me. It makes me nervous. Being nervous gives me gas. And I had bad gas. Really bad gas.
It started right at the beginning of the day, when I transformed from ToBlogOr the sterling-new-employee, to ToBlogOr the fart-o-matic.
To the front desk assistant:
Me: Good morning! I’m ToBlogOr, it’s my first day. *fartfart* I’m supposed to meet Lisa – where should I go? *fartfartaudiblefartfart*
FDA: Welcome! Just go ahead and sit down in the waiting room and I’ll call up for her. She’ll be here momentarily.
Me: Ok! *fartfartfart*
Me: *Waiting* *fartfartfartreallystinkyfartfart*
*Lisa walks in, breathing normally*
L: Good morning ToBlogOr! coughcough It’s coughcough nice to coughcough see you. Hmm it smells like someone might have left rotting carcasses spilled something in here, lets coughcough go out to a conference room to talk. coughcough
Me: Uhhh, yeah, I noticed it uhh smelled a little funny when I uhhhh walked in.
L (while walking with me down the hall): Oh hi Steve, this is ToBlogOr, he’s just starting with us today.
What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do.
Here it is my first day of work, I’ve gassed out the whole company, and now I’ve shit my pants. There’s no way I can walk out of the bathroom without any pants on and still keep my job. But, if I wear my pants, there’s no way I can get through the day without people barfing on me from the smell.
I tried to quickly formulate a plan.
Hmm this toilet paper is pretty hardy. Maybe I can weave it together tightly into a new pair of boxers and pants. Damnit, if only I had my loom.
I created a small diaper out of TP, but it ended up sort of looking like a thong. Since I’m not really a thong kind of guy, I decided it was best to just go commando and I put my pants back on.
Then I waited.
Once the coast was clear – in one swift cat-like motion I exploded out of the stall while simultaneously shoving my tp-wrapped soiled boxers as far down into the trashcan as I could get them.
I had several things going for me at that moment. Firstly, it was lunchtime, so not too many people were around, and secondly, the bathroom was right next to the stairwell.
Out of the bathroom and down the stairs I bounded – going 6 floors in a world record time of 4.2 seconds.
I ran out onto the street.
FREE!! WOO!! I’m out!!
Uhhhh. What do I do now?
Since it was my first day on the job and I didn’t really know the area, I had no idea where to go. Luckily I had my cell phone on me, and I called the only person I could think of.
I spoke quickly and gave just the most relevant facts.
Me: Shit myself. Need new pants quickly. In middle of DC. Where do I go?
Thankfully, there was a Gap only about 4 blocks from me. After sprinting to the store, hoping no one caught a glimpse/whiff, I was able to purchase a new pair of pants and some boxers. My career was saved!
Oh, and there was 1 positive that came out of all of this.
At least I didn’t have to fart anymore.