TMI Thursday: Work Edition

I’m pretty sure this is going to be the best (worst?) TMI Thursday post ever.  LiLu over at Live, it Love it inspired me with her post on Tuesday about her first day of work.  And it got me thinking about my first day at my last job.

I learned a lot that first day of work, and 1 important lesson will stick with me for a lifetime.

You know when you buy new shoes you can “wear them out” of the store?  Well, apparently you can do the same thing with new boxers at the Gap.

Maybe I should start at the beginning……

It was April 2005 and I was massively nervous.  Why?  Because I was just about to embark on a new job and a completely new career.  Even though I was brand spankin’ new at this stuff, I’m not completely moronic, and was able to negotiate myself into a pretty nice position at my shiny new company.  That said, while all my peers were about my age, they were also all significantly more experienced than me. 

I hate it when people know more than me.  It makes me nervous.  Being nervous gives me gas.  And I had bad gas.  Really bad gas.

It started right at the beginning of the day, when I transformed from ToBlogOr the sterling-new-employee, to ToBlogOr the fart-o-matic.

 Work Edition

To the front desk assistant:

Me: Good morning! I’m ToBlogOr, it’s my first day. *fartfart* I’m supposed to meet Lisa – where should I go? *fartfartaudiblefartfart*

FDA: Welcome! Just go ahead and sit down in the waiting room and I’ll call up for her.  She’ll be here momentarily.

Me: Ok! *fartfartfart*

Me: *Waiting* *fartfartfartreallystinkyfartfart*

*Lisa walks in, breathing normally*

L: Good morning ToBlogOr! coughcough It’s coughcough nice to coughcough see you.  Hmm it smells like someone might have left rotting carcasses spilled something in here, lets coughcough go out to a conference room to talk. coughcough

Me: Uhhh, yeah, I noticed it uhh smelled a little funny when I uhhhh walked in.

L (while walking with me down the hall): Oh hi Steve, this is ToBlogOr, he’s just starting with us today.

Me: Hi Steve, great to meet you! *fartfartfart*
 
S: Great to meet you.  Looking forward to coughcoughcoughgagcoughcough Excuse me please. *walks away dry heaving*
 
Me: Who was that?
 
L: Oh, Steve?  He’s the president of the company.
 
Me: Oh.  *fartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfartfart*
 
So, let’s review. 
 
I’ve been at my new job for about 15 minutes and I’ve already gassed the secretary, the HR lady, and the president of the company.  In fact, in those 15 minutes, my ass was the 4th largest gas producer on Earth.
 
Great. 
 
I’m so fucked.  I can see it already, Steve is going to go talk to the IT guy about the smelly new guy and my email address is going to be fartface03@company.com
 
So anyway,  Lisa and I talk for about an hour and I do my best to keep my butt cheeks clamped as tight as possible.  Last thing I need is a police investigation about the death of a local DC HR officer from unknown sulfur and methane gas emissions.
 
We finish, and I’m off to find my new desk and computer. 
 
Unfortunately, the company has been running out of office space, so instead of having a nice little office or cubicle to myself, which could privately contain my gaseous emissions….. they stick me at a desk in the middle of the hallway, right next to the main printer.
 
FUCK!
 
So, for the next 2 hours or so, I basically gas every employee at the company.  They must have thought I wasn’t very nice, since I was so embarrassed I never even looked up when someone walked by or stopped at the printer.
 
Ok, ok.  Enough of this.  I should go to the bathroom and see if I can do anything about this problem. 
 
So I search out the bathroom, sulfur smell in hot pursuit.
 
[Editor’s note:  Why hadn’t I gone to the bathroom earlier?  Well, if you haven’t been keeping tabs, I’m not a huge fan of pooping in public bathrooms.  But since my career was at stake here, I had to suck it up.]
 
As I’m trying to decide which stall looks best, I feel a HUGE fart coming on… since I was alone in the bathroom, and without thinking, I just let ‘er RIP.
 
Except.
 
It wasn’t a fart.
 
KABLOOOOOIEE!!!!!!
 
I just shit my pants.
 
And I didn’t just shit my pants.  I totally explosively diarrhea’d my pants.
 
You know the saying “shit rolls downhill” right?  Well, apparently it drips down the leg as well.
 
There aren’t enough expletives on earth to explain what went through my mind in that moment.  Thankfully, I’m a quick thinker, and just about as fast I could, I dove into the closest stall, whipped off my pants/boxers, and planted my ass on the toilet.
 
Problem solved, right?  NOOOOOOOOOO!
 
Problem 1: I had a pair of boxers that were absolutely destroyed.  And when I say destroyed, I mean completely shit soaked.  The biggest problem is that boxers are un-flushable.  The last thing I needed right then was to clog a toilet, so I had to figure out what to do with them.  It was like I had just murdered someone and had to dispose of the murder weapon.  Except in this case, the murder weapon was a pair of extra-soiled boxers.
 
Problem 2:  I was in possession of a very nice pair of khaki’s with a huge brown shit stain from the ass part right down my leg. 
 
Work Edition

What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do.

Here it is my first day of work, I’ve gassed out the whole company, and now I’ve shit my pants.  There’s no way I can walk out of the bathroom without any pants on and still keep my job.  But, if I wear my pants, there’s no way I can get through the day without people barfing on me from the smell.

I tried to quickly formulate a plan. 

Hmm this toilet paper is pretty hardy.  Maybe I can weave it together tightly into a new pair of boxers and pants.  Damnit, if only I had my loom. 

I created a small diaper out of TP, but it ended up sort of looking like a thong.  Since I’m not really a thong kind of guy, I decided it was best to just go commando and I put my pants back on.

Then I waited.

Once the coast was clear – in one swift cat-like motion I exploded out of the stall while simultaneously shoving my tp-wrapped soiled boxers as far down into the trashcan as I could get them.

I had several things going for me at that moment.  Firstly, it was lunchtime, so not too many people were around, and secondly, the bathroom was right next to the stairwell.

Out of the bathroom and down the stairs I bounded – going 6 floors in a world record time of 4.2 seconds.

I ran out onto the street.

FREE!! WOO!! I’m out!!

Uhhhh. What do I do now?

Since it was my first day on the job and I didn’t really know the area, I had no idea where to go. Luckily I had my cell phone on me, and I called the only person I could think of. 

My girlfriend.

I spoke quickly and gave just the most relevant facts.

Me: Shit myself. Need new pants quickly.  In middle of DC.  Where do I go?

Her: ……………

Thankfully, there was a Gap only about 4 blocks from me.  After sprinting to the store, hoping no one caught a glimpse/whiff, I was able to purchase a new pair of pants and some boxers.  My career was saved!

Oh, and there was 1 positive that came out of all of this.

At least I didn’t have to fart anymore.

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23 responses to “TMI Thursday: Work Edition

  1. I am truly and utterly horrified by this story. This MAY be my worst nightmare.

    Did anyone notice the pants change?

    Years of drugs and therapy helped me find humor in it 😉 As for the pants, I bought another pair of khakis, so I don’t think anyone did.

  2. OMGosh!! You had me laughing outloud so badly, my boss came over to see what I was doing! Thank goodness I was on lunch!!!

    Hahahahahahahahahaha…. sorry it shouldn’t be so funny but it is!

    Thanks for laughing at me. I appreciate your empathy…. bitch! 😉 haha

  3. Okay, I should NOT have read this at work. My new coworker must think I have sleep apnea or something. Only I’m awake. I dunno.

    Sharting yourself your first day of work is pretty damn good… extra points for the “loom” reference. I still think the grandparents getting it on is pretty freaking disgusting though…

    The grandparents thing is definitely disgusting – though it becomes exponentially more disgusting when its your own grandparents. I think pants pooping is universally disgusting.

    For those who are wondering, this is a wonderfully disgusting post. Just not as disgusting as mine 😉

    http://www.livitluvit.com/2008/12/tmi-thursday-milky-white-thigh.html

  4. i was laughing sooo hard at your misfortune..that i snorted…and now alll my coworkers would like me to try to get the autograph of “the dude who shit his pants on the first day of work”…youre like an urban legend now…
    xoxo

    I think there’s a happy hour tomorrow at Recessions in DC. Come, and you too can meet “The Shitter.” I’ll be signing autographs for a small fee 😉

  5. Lilu coined the proper term. You sharted. My questions include:

    – What happened to the boxers?
    – Where did you dispose of the khakis?

    Sharted is brilliance. As for the boxers, go back and read the damned post. As for the khakis? I quadruple bagged them and brought em home and washed them about 20 times.

  6. Thank goodness I am alone in my office because my mascara is running and I snorted all over my desk.

    I’m so sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but this is just. too. much.

    Ahhh to have an office. If only I had one, this all could have been avoided.

  7. Nothing worse than the split second between the fart and the realization it wasn’t actually a fart.

    It was like a slow-motion TV moment with me going noooooooooooooooo and trying to shove my thumb up my butt to stop the flow.

  8. “hoping no one caught a glimpse/whiff”

    I dunno about that. this seems like exactly the kind of thing that shows up on youtube via cell phone camera, or flickr, or something. we just don’t live in the kind of world where you can leave a stained trail of poo down your leg and walk into a Gap privately.

    you have done the only appropriate and hilarious thing by getting out in front of the story.

    Your comment got me so nervous that 1: I farted and 2: I went directly to youtube and did a search for poop stain sprinting dc. Let’s just say, my company didn’t appreciate me doing that search here at work. Ooops. *fart*

  9. I’m sorry – I could NOT keep a straight face while reading this. I actually laughed so hard that I had tears in my eyes.

    I’ve yet to participate in TMI Thursdays, but after reading you and LiLu, I’m just not sure I can compete…

    Take it as a challenge. I know you have it in you. I’ll expect something juicy next Thursday

  10. My view of you will never be the same after this.

    Is this the place where you currently work? Do any of your co-workers read your blog? If so, aren’t you a little worried about what they might have to say? 🙂

    I hope you still like me 😉 It was actually my last place of employment, so no, I’m not too worried. The guy who sits next to me read the entry and told me a story of how he did a similar thing once too. Male bonding over poop! Nice!

  11. OH MY GOD, ROFLMAO!!! This was funny as hell! I had to stop at the IT guy. Tears are running down my face…my stomach is hurting and my co-workers are looking at me like I am crazy. I will read it when I get home.

    Oh dear, you haven’t even gotten to the TMI part yet 😉

  12. OK, I put some code in there that didn’t show up. But basically, this made me gut laugh today. GUT. LAUGH. And fart a little in the process. LOL!

    Sorry, my blog seems to not like code in comments for some reason. Thanks for farting for me, it makes me feel better about the whole thing.

  13. Wow. Just… wow.

    Consider passing on the Denny’s Grand Slam Chili Fest Breakfast Bonanza next time. It might help.

    Where were you when I needed you. It might have also been the massive amount of chocolate covered ex-lax I accidentally ate the night before also. Hmmmm

  14. Very funny! I too got gas on the first day of work. Thankfully, I don’t have a similar story.

    Now I have to take a dump.

    Glad I could inspire your poop habits!

  15. AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH.

    That is all.

    I get the sense that you found it amusing

  16. HAHAHAHA!! WOW!!

    One of my guy friends farts a lot at work and is always fearful he will shit his pants.

    I popped my TMI Thursday cherry today. It was fun. I didn’t think I would have any more stories for TMI Thursday but you just reminded me of one for next week.

    I’m like super careful now with each and every work fart…. just incase. I’ll look forward to reading your TMI post now! 🙂 Congrats!

  17. I don’t think we can be friends anymore.

    Don’t threaten me like that. I inappropriately farted just thinking about you breaking up with me.

  18. So I stopped by following a link from Bilbo’s blog…laughed my butt off! Funny story!

    Glad you enjoyed it – thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  19. Now I understand why Zandria couldn’t look you in the eye when you came in last night.
    I was reading this on the way home, standing in the Metro station laughing (I don’t think people LOL enough… the world is better with laughter. Even if it is for the misfortune of others). Pleasure meeting you the other night.

    Great to meet you too! I agree, people don’t laugh enough. I’m glad I could amuse DC folk with my ass stories.

  20. There is no way that is real!!! OMG.

    Wow wow wow wow wow.

    are you the person who farted at the blogger meetup? I bet you are.

    Farted at the blogger meetup? Hmmm I don’t recall. I might have been, but I don’t think so. I take credit when credit is due.

    Oh, and yes – completely true!

  21. Laughed so hard I cried and my dog freaked out!

    The question is….. did it freak out enough to poop itself?

  22. I got so bored at the moment afternoon, however when I watched this TMI Thursday: Work Edition | To Blog Or….. comical clip at this weblog I turn out to be fresh and delighted as well.

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