The Thanksgiving Paradox

Thanksgiving is the yummiest holiday ever.  I think it was designed to get us fat.  It’s not that there’s too much food at the holiday festival, it’s that there is too much YUMMY food at this festival of giving. (Giving what? Giving calories? Sheesh!)  And it always gets me in the end.  Why?  Because this is the holiday that we celebrate saying “Thanks,” it would just be grinch-like for me to say “No Thanks.”  So I always end up piling way too much food on my plate.  But that isn’t the problem…..

You see, as I mentioned in my post yesterday, my buddy’s mom who hosts our Thanksgiving dinner is a fabulous chef.  She creates a whole assortment of Thanksgiving delicacies that would delight just about any person.  This, however, creates a paradox.  The paradox is, where do you spend your Thanksgiving Dinner Fund?

You see, we all have a physical limit to how much food we can put into our stomachs at one time.  Some of us have more room than others, but still, you can only put so much in at one time.  This causes a problem during Thanksgiving…. because there are so many different options.

Here are some of the pre-dinner options:


An actual picture of my pre-dinner choices

An actual picture of my pre-dinner choices


There’s a lot going on here, all of which is homemade, and quite tasty.  And when I say tasty, I really mean, really f’n super tasty.  As in, I-really-want-to-not-stop-eating-this-tasty-stuff-but-I-know-I-should-stop-now-or-I-won’t-have-any-room-deep breath-for-the-turkey-when-it-comes-out-oh-shit-I-think-I’m-full-already-fuck.

And that’s the paradox.

Because once the Turkey comes out:

The actual Turkey, pre-guest carnage

The actual Turkey, pre-guest carnage

I want to eat this, along with the stuffing and sweet potato pie, etc. 

That’s where the Thanksgiving Fund comes into play.  It’s like creating a budget for a shopping trip.  I know I can only physically shove so much food down the gullet, before I’m done.  The problem is, that it’s an undefined amount.  Some days I feel like I can eat forever, while other days I’m not as hungry.  So I budget myself.  But the question is, what makes up my budget?

Is the turkey really the best part of the meal?  I’m not so sure.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love turkey as much as the next guy.  I’m a dark meat man myself.  But I also love the stuffing.  Ohhhhh the stuffing.  I also love the baked brie, and the shrimp, and the different homemade dips, and this and that and a whole bunch of the other. 

Oh hell, I don’t know what I’m even saying here.  I think I’m calorically intoxicated from all the food I’ve been eating over the last 24 hours.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, bitching about getting fat from yummy food. 

So, anyway, I’ve learned that I have to pace myself, which is really a bitch.  It’s a bitch because I love the pre-dinner food just as much as the actual dinner food.  And since the meal isn’t cooked in my own house, I don’t get the benefit of leftovers.  This causes me stress.  Why?  Because I’ll be sitting at the hors d’oeuvres table and be thinking to myself:

Hmmmm, can I eat another shrimp? Yeah, I can have another, I haven’t had TOO many yet.  Hmmm how many of those shrimp butts are mine… 4? 5? hmmm maybe 6.  No wait, that one has lipstick.  Ok so I’ve had 5 already, would 1 more really matter?  No, ok I can do it… but I also want more of that brie, which means I need at least 1 more cracker.  That’s a pretty big commitment there… hmmm shit what do I do? Shrimp or brie? SHRIMP OR BRIE? AAAAARGH!

I sound like a woman.

And that’s the Thanksgiving Paradox.  Next year, I think I’m going to actually show up with a plan.  5 shrimp, 3 servings of brie and whole wheat crackers, 2 servings of the cheese/bacon type dip thing with 2 wheat thins, 2 servings of the prosciutto wrapped mozzarella, 3 stuffed mushrooms, and then…… ahhhh screw it.

I’m just going to stuff myself silly like I do every year.  It’s worth the stress.


2 responses to “The Thanksgiving Paradox

  1. Thankfully I don’t need any help being fat! 🙂

    Oh bah, you aren’t fat. You just prefer not to be anorexic 😉

  2. You do totally sound like a woman. Welcome to our world…

    I woke up this morning with a huge urge to go buy some purses. Hmmmmm

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