Dating Advice Answered

Dear ToBlogOr,

I have a relationship problem that I’m hoping you can help me with.   I’ve been dating a guy for the past 6 months, and I’m at a bit of a crossroads.  We’re getting closer to making a serious commitment, and I’m not sure how I really feel about him.  I took your advice and did an inventory on our relationship, and here are some of the pro’s and con’s that I identified:

Pro’s:
  • He gives me really nice backrubs
  • He brings me flowers at least once a week, with a very nice card
  • He’s really sensitive and is willing to talk about his feelings in an open and honest manner.  I think he really gets me.
  • He has a great job and makes a good living for himself
  • We have a great sex life
  • He’s really smart and makes great conversations.  I feel like we can talk all night.
  • He packs my lunch for me when I stay over at his place, and he always leaves a little cute note written on a napkin in the lunch bag.
  • My dog adores him, and Schmoopie-Poo doesn’t like ANYONE
  • He likes to travel, go to the theater, enjoys the opera, and thinks that Hall & Oates is the greatest rock duo of all time.

 Cons:

  • He likes to scratch his crotch and then sniff his fingers
  • He’s only 5’7
  • He talks in his sleep.  Not your normal 1 or 2 liner, no, he recites his favorite literature.  This primarily includes the “Dear Editor” section from Penthouse.
  • He has a snaggle tooth that I swear waves hello at me every time he smiles.
  • He has hair like the Geico Caveman.  I can deal with the back hair, ear hair, nose hair, uni-brow hair, ass hair, and neck-beard hair.  It’s the hair the grows on his toes that really bothers me.
  • In order to look smarter, he wears glasses without any lenses. 
  • He wears black shoes with a brown belt.
  • He likes to wear red tightie whities that make his butt look saggy.  I don’t even know what to call them.  Tightie reddies?
  • When we sleep at his place, the sheets on his bed always pull up revealing his mattress pad.
  • He’ll run the disposal without turning on the water
  • I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure he gave me herpes, genital warts, crabs, 3 different strains of syphilis, and a really bad nose cold last Thursday.  Yes, all of them on the same day.

ToBlogOr, I’m really confused.  Sometime it feels like I’ve met my soul-mate, and other times it feels like I’m dating a neanderthal.  What gives?  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Confused

Dear HC,

Thank you for writing.  It sounds like you have some real issues here, and I think I can help you out. 

Let me start by breaking it down.

You are dating a guy who looks like this:

Dating Advice Answered

Dresses like this:

Dating Advice Answered

But acts like Jude Law in “The Holiday” – 

Dating Advice Answered

Lemme see if I can get this straight – is this what you are working with?

Dating Advice Answered

If so, I have the answer for you.

Let’s start with the obvious:

 

The Obvious

 

You are dating a Jew. 

Let’s call him Jewde Law(yer), or JL for short.

It all adds up: the egregious amount of hair and gross lack of style coupled with a high-paying job and the sensitivity of a gay man.

Trust me, I’m a Jew and am very familiar with many of these attributes in my fellow Tribesmen.  BUT WAIT! Do not despair, there is hope for you.

 

Hope

 

Dating a Jew isn’t like contracting a fatal disease.   Yes, you have some legitimate concerns in this relationship, but it also sounds like JL has a lot of positives as well. 

Chemistry is one of the fundamental keys to the success of a relationship, and it sounds like you are doing ok in this department.  Let’s investigate this further:

There are 3 types of chemistry:  physical, emotional, and high school.

 

High School Chemistry

 

I was fantastic at chemistry in High School.  Fucking brilliant in fact.  I got an A in just about every quarter throughout high school, and many people thought I should go onto major in Chemistry in college.  This was an incorrect assessment, as I sucked major hairy moose balls at college chemistry.  How does this apply to your relationship issues?  It doesn’t, but I just had to get that off my chest. 

 

Emotional Chemistry

 

Emotional Chemistry revolves around how compatible your interests, values, and temperament are.  Do you communicate well?  Do you enjoy doing similar things?  Do you want similar things in a relationship and a family?  Did you cry during the same parts in “The Bridges of Madison County?”

In a relationship, it is important that you match up in these areas.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should be close.  I don’t agree with the whole Jerry Maguire philosophy of “You Complete Me.”  To me, that implies that each of us are incomplete in some way, and I don’t think that’s correct.  I feel that a good mate is one that you feel complements you.  Singularly you are great, but together?  Well together, you are an unstoppable force of nature.  Kinda like how LiLu and her man are the Disgusting Twins.

You can’t fake Emotional Chemistry.  If you have it, you have it.  If you don’t, you don’t.  It’s not something you can learn or change.

HC, it sounds like you are doing pretty well in this area – in fact it sounds like you guys get along great.  This strength forms a good basis for a strong relationship. 

 

Physical Chemistry

 

No, not the god-forsaken class I took in college that talked about bullshit that no one can actually prove, but they’ll fail test me on it anyway.   No, I’m talking about physical attraction and sexual chemistry.  I’m talking about when you hang out, you have a hard time keeping your hands off each other.  I’m talking about when you see him across the room, you can’t take your eyes off of him.  I’m talking about when you get naked and roll around in bed, you don’t care that he sheds more than this guy:

Dating Advice Answered

 

If those things apply to you, then you have good Physical Chemistry.

From what I’m hearing, It sounds like you have some major hang-ups in this area, which leads to a bit of a paradox.  You imply that you aren’t all that attracted to him but yet your sex life is great.  I’m guessing that you are really more embarrassed by his looks than anything else.  Why?  Because you have father issues. 

Let’s call it like it is, I know you are an anglo-saxon shiksa goddess

Dating Advice Answered

This means that your dad most likely has light colored hair, and blue eyes.  It also means that you never learned as a toddler that you could get rug burn from lying on your dad’s back.  If you were Jewish, you’d be familiar with these risks. 

Whether you realize it or not, we all base our relationships on the model we are most familiar with: our parents.  You see, as we grew up, our experience with our parents filled our subconscious with all sorts of data that we don’t even realize that we know.  It drives us instinctually. 

With your father as your subconscious model for men, you feel embarrassed that you are secretly attracted to such a schlub.  You constantly berate yourself for not being attracted to the tall muscular blonde Christian.  You think there must be something wrong with you.

That’s where you start running into problems.  There is never a good reason to feel embarrassed about being attracted to anyone.  As human beings, It’s our own fear of rejection that drives this.  Fear of rejection from our parents, our friends, and from random people on the street who you swear are pointing and laughing at JL as you guys walk down the street.

The thing is, you can’t help who you are attracted to.  It is what it is, and you can’t change it.  For whatever reason, you find this guy attractive, and by denying your feelings, you are only causing yourself more stress.  Since your friends and family aren’t the ones who are having sex with him, who cares if they find him attractive? 

 

The Answer

 

Let’s revisit the concerns you brought up, which I’ve categorized. 

Physical Issues – the things you brought up can all be easily addressed.  Firstly, find him a good dentist and then go shopping with him and help him match up his clothing in the morning.  Don’t try to change his whole wardrobe immediately – slowly work your style into his.  Start by buying him a couple of pairs of boxers and a nice sweater and tell him how sexy he looks in them.  We eat that shit up. 

As for the massive amounts of hair, you can buy all sorts of heavy duty shaving products, such as the “Razorba War Hammer.” That will definitely help out. 

You can’t change his height, so you’ll have to determine if that’s a true game changer or not.  Just remember, it isn’t about what your friends think or what you think you want, it’s about what you are attracted to.  You’ll have to dig deep for the truth on that one, or just buy him height enhancing footwear.

Guy Issues:  Guys have issues because we’re guys.  It happens.  We are genetically inclined to offend women just by our mere existence. 

We don’t do it out of spite, and we don’t always do it in the same ways, but it tends to produce similar results: 

You get annoyed and nag the shit out of us.  

An example is that he scratches his crotch and sniffs it.  It’s a genetically instinctual thing that all guys do, because it’s our shower litmus test.  You’ll just need to talk with him about appropriate places to do it. 

The same goes for the sheets and the disposal thing.  He just doesn’t know any better. 

As for the sleep talking thing, there may be 2 issues coming up here.  If you have problems with the porn thing, well, you’ll need to just accept it (or he’ll need to hide it better).  All guys look at porn, it’s just a fact of life.  If you don’t care about that, then you’ll want to explore if he has some unfulfilled fantasies.  If that doesn’t work, I recommend either buying some great ear plugs for yourself, or having him see a sleep therapist. 

HC, the answer with what to do with JL lies within yourself.  Take some time to yourself over the holiday and do some thinking and writing.  If you can get clear with your own hang-ups, then you’ll be able to fully commit to the relationship.  Just remember, you can’t change anyone other than yourself. 

You might not believe it, but many women would love to swap places with you.  You have a great guy who treats you well, and that’s hard to find.

Good luck!

Oh, what?  I’m not done yet?  You think I missed something important from above?

Ok, ok fine.  I’ll address it.

Go see a dermatologist.

Why?

Because you don’t have any STD’s.

Us Jews have extra scratchy hair and all that groin-to-groin action you’ve been secretly having is just irritating your skin.

———————————

Have a dating or relationship question and want a male perspective?  Feel free to email me at toblogor (at) yahoo (dot) com

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8 responses to “Dating Advice Answered

  1. Geez, you help your bf pee ONE TIME…

    That’s it. No more stories. You’re cut off.

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your stories make my day. I live vicariously through your stories. In fact, your stories proved my point about strong relationships. And when I say strong, I’m referring to the stench that emits from your farting battles 😉

  2. As a woman who has loved, lusted and felt a burning in her loins over many a Jewish man, I know of what you speak, HC. I was about halfway through your letter and thought “She is dating a Jew…” Proceed with caution. Jewish men can be really awesome (see aforementioned loin tingling), but also a special kinda fucking crazy. (Not you, Doug, not you.)

    Nice Lem, nice. That tingling is probably just a UTI.

  3. i have no quick witted response. i am blank.

    Uh oh. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

  4. ONLY 5’7″?

    As a 5’8″ man, I’m appalled.

    Where’s that “walk tall” link again?

    You’re still a giant among men. You should totally buy the shoes though. Think anyone would notice if you suddenly showed up one day about 2 1/2 inches taller? haha

  5. I’m surprised Arjewtino didn’t pull out the grammar police, so I will 🙂

    “I feel that a good mate is one that you feel compliments you.”

    A good mate should totally compliment you all the time. But also one you feel complements you, no?

    funny post, though.

    Argh! I hate that! Of course, that’s the stuff that spell check never catches. Then again, the full title of my blog is “To Blog Or…. Where grammar teachers go to die.” So, I guess it all makes sense 😉 Good catch!

  6. Arjewtino gave me hives so I can testify that it’s not necessarily an STD.

    I have learned a lot from this entry:

    1) I need to find one of these people with a “high-paying job and the sensitivity of a gay man.” that sounds pretty perfect

    2) There’s a difference between compliment and complement. Don’t blame me– I’m from WV. (that’s pretty much my go-to excuse for all things lacking in my knowledge area)

    I’m glad I could help edumacate ya.

  7. Great post.

    Images makes the blog more interesting.

    Keep it up

    Chris,

  8. Dating Advice Answered | To Blog Or….. Very nice article, exactly what I wanted to find.

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