Scared Shitless

Public bathrooms are like Satan.  There’s nothing good about Satan, but you just have to sort of accept that he exists and get on with life. 

Well, except that I’m a Jew and we don’t believe in hell.  Let’s just forget about that for a moment and stick with my analogy.  Ok?

 Scared Shitless

The point is, I hate public bathrooms.  Why?  For several reasons.

  • They are never clean, or cleaned properly
  • You have no idea who sat on the toilet last
  • The cheap toilet paper could stand-in as sandpaper
  • I hate having screaming kids in there while I’m trying to concentrate
  • I don’t want a Senator groping me from the next stall 
  • Butt germs are yucky

Yesterday, I blogged about The Poop Time PrincipleArjewtino made a great comment about how he enjoys his post-breakfast Sunday poop, and it got me thinking.

I realized how much I enjoy the hospitality of my own bathroom. 

In my bathroom, I have a firm understanding of how much toilet paper it can handle without overflowing.  I have control over the softness of the TP (charmin ultrasoft is the only acceptable choice in a house I live in).  I control the general cleanliness of the toilet and surrounding area.  I also have access to my internet, and no one looks at me strangely if I happen to bring my laptop in with me.

I have none of these creature comforts in a public bathroom….. which is why I avoid them at all costs.

My worst nightmare is having to poop when I’m out and my only choice is a porta-potty.  I’d rather safety pin my butt closed than use one of those. 

The next worst places to go are at mall and supermarket bathrooms.  In general those stalls look like someone let off a urine bomb all over the place.  It’s always extra fun when someone leaves a piece of wet toilet paper on the seat.  Argh! Enough already! I can’t take it anymore. 

Scared Shitless

Of course, it is nearly impossible to avoid public bathrooms since I have to go to my office every day.  So how did I deal with that? 

I formally adopted a stall in my office bathroom. 

2nd from the right – you are my temporarily adopted stall.  God forbid you happen to be taken when I walk in, 1st on the right is also acceptable, but we all recognize its less formidable flushing power.

Should either of those stalls be taken, I walk directly out of the bathroom and wait a while.  The other 3 stalls are unacceptable by my standards… in fact, I have yet to explore 2 of the remaining 3.  Why?  Because I am not the Indiana Jones of public toilets.  Fuck that.  I found 1 that works, and seems to be inhabited less than the others, so I’m sticking to it.

Stall 2nd from the right? Why do I love you so? 

  • I love your flushing power. 
  • I love that someone routinely leaves very amusing Jesus propaganda jammed into your paper-toilet-seat-cover-receptacle. 
  • I love that, after the cleaning people come, you are the last one to be used.  Why?  I don’t know… but I’m keeping your secret safe. 
  • I love that you are less brightly lit than the other stalls.  You still provide enough light for me to read, but being less brightly lit makes me feel like I have a bit more privacy.  I hate it when I feel like people can see in through the door crack.  
  • I love that you never have rogue pieces of toilet paper hanging around on the floor near you. 


Scared Shitless

Still…. nothing beats my own toilet.  It might have a jiggily seat that I can’t seem to tighten, but I still love it just the same. 

My bathroom and I?  We have a relationship.  A great relationship.

So Arjewtino?  Thanks for bringing it up.

My bathroom – this shout out goes to you.  I’ll be home soon.


10 responses to “Scared Shitless

  1. “Arjewtino made a great comment about… poop, and it got me thinking.”

    I wish I had a nickel for everytime someone said that.

    In other news, pretty good deal we got on the whole “not going to hell” thing, huh?

    Tell me about it. If I were Christian I’d be screwed.

  2. so in addition to the really expensive everything, Norway has the most sandpaper-like t.p. ever! at least the dorm (once occupied by Nazis) in which I lived for 6 weeks used it. it was awful.

    But I totally understand about hating public toilets. Other than the JCC (which was totally a second home as a kid), I never used public toilets.

    You don’t like Norway a whole lot, do you? 😉

  3. I know where every public bathroom is in the fine city I live in. And I know which stalls are always the cleanest. But pooping? At home, at my best friend’s house (it’s very relaxing there and we drink lots of coffee and smoke lots of cigarettes. It’s going to happen) and at the AA club. Not sure why, but it ALWAYS wants to happen there. So I chose the one I will use. Yes. I. DId.

    You and I have similar poop philosophies. I like that.

  4. Dammit. I distinctly remember thinking about something this morning, and I was all, Oh! I need to remember this and tell Doug about the epiphany I had during my Poop Time this morning!

    And I have absolutely no idea what it was. Poop.

    I need to investigate this further, but I feel that the general population’s iq drops at least 5 points the minute you stand up from the toilet…. so I’m not surprised that you forgot once you got it. I also appreciate that you were thinking of me while you were pooping…. my work here is complete.

  5. Sorry for the double post. ALSO, thanks to the Chronicles of Tewkesbury ( I totally just remembered!

    It was that if I saw someone with a “Sarah Palin 2012” bumper sticker, I would totally throw something at their car! Phew. Glad I got that out…

    I would throw poop at that car. That’s what I would do.

  6. OF COURSE! It’s perfect! Like Frank in Always Sunny!

    “I did the poops! I did ALL the poops! In fact, I just pooped right now while the lights were off!”


    hahahaha yer funny. Just as an FYI – I’m leaving work early today just so I can have more time at home before the blogger happy hour…. I’ll let you guess why 😉

  7. Bathroom Etiquette:

    – NEVER take the stall next to someone, unless it is a two stall bathroom

    – NEVER take the toilet next to someone, even if there are only two left…just hold it

    – NEVER make conversation in any place in the bathroom unless it is someone related by blood or by a near-death experience

    – Boy Scout Motto – Always leave the place better than when you arrived

    Worst Public Bathrooms:

    – Sub-par Grocery Stores (Wegman’s has a nice loo)
    – China Buffets
    – Stadiums/Arenas
    – Any Gas Station
    – The “on-street” bathrooms of London
    – The “hole in the ground” scattered throughout Dubai

    Your brilliance is only outshined by your sterling good looks (which is accentuated by the fine looking hair cut).

    And for those who are wondering what I’m talking about. This guy suffers because he has to sit next to me at work.

  8. Butt germs are yucky!!! I don’t like public bathrooms either.

    One of my very first posts was about my experience in the bathroom at work when I slipped on poo. Yes I said slipped on poo.

    Ewwwwwwww yuck. I got poop on my foot once… long story saved for another day. Not one of my more favorite memories 😉

  9. “I also have access to my internet, and no one looks at me strangely if I happen to bring my laptop in with me.”

    Isn’t this why handhelds were invented? You know, with the single hand controls?


    Of course that’s why handhelds were created. Back when I had a blackberry, brickbreaker and I were poop time friends. My new job doesn’t require me to have one, so I’ve lost that friend for now. Luckily my cellphone has some fun games on it 😉 Of course, neither are quite the same as having a laptop!

  10. I found a blackberry in the restroom at work once — turned out to belong to our CEO. I really hope he washes the thing.

    I did that once. It was a bit embarrasing when an email went around about a found blackberry in the bathroom and I realized it was mine. Errrr yeah. Thankfully I had some clorox wipes that did the job 😉

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