Public bathrooms are like Satan. There’s nothing good about Satan, but you just have to sort of accept that he exists and get on with life.
Well, except that I’m a Jew and we don’t believe in hell. Let’s just forget about that for a moment and stick with my analogy. Ok?
The point is, I hate public bathrooms. Why? For several reasons.
- They are never clean, or cleaned properly
- You have no idea who sat on the toilet last
- The cheap toilet paper could stand-in as sandpaper
- I hate having screaming kids in there while I’m trying to concentrate
- I don’t want a Senator groping me from the next stall
- Butt germs are yucky
I realized how much I enjoy the hospitality of my own bathroom.
In my bathroom, I have a firm understanding of how much toilet paper it can handle without overflowing. I have control over the softness of the TP (charmin ultrasoft is the only acceptable choice in a house I live in). I control the general cleanliness of the toilet and surrounding area. I also have access to my internet, and no one looks at me strangely if I happen to bring my laptop in with me.
I have none of these creature comforts in a public bathroom….. which is why I avoid them at all costs.
My worst nightmare is having to poop when I’m out and my only choice is a porta-potty. I’d rather safety pin my butt closed than use one of those.
The next worst places to go are at mall and supermarket bathrooms. In general those stalls look like someone let off a urine bomb all over the place. It’s always extra fun when someone leaves a piece of wet toilet paper on the seat. Argh! Enough already! I can’t take it anymore.
Of course, it is nearly impossible to avoid public bathrooms since I have to go to my office every day. So how did I deal with that?
I formally adopted a stall in my office bathroom.
2nd from the right – you are my temporarily adopted stall. God forbid you happen to be taken when I walk in, 1st on the right is also acceptable, but we all recognize its less formidable flushing power.
Should either of those stalls be taken, I walk directly out of the bathroom and wait a while. The other 3 stalls are unacceptable by my standards… in fact, I have yet to explore 2 of the remaining 3. Why? Because I am not the Indiana Jones of public toilets. Fuck that. I found 1 that works, and seems to be inhabited less than the others, so I’m sticking to it.
Stall 2nd from the right? Why do I love you so?
- I love your flushing power.
- I love that someone routinely leaves very amusing Jesus propaganda jammed into your paper-toilet-seat-cover-receptacle.
- I love that, after the cleaning people come, you are the last one to be used. Why? I don’t know… but I’m keeping your secret safe.
- I love that you are less brightly lit than the other stalls. You still provide enough light for me to read, but being less brightly lit makes me feel like I have a bit more privacy. I hate it when I feel like people can see in through the door crack.
- I love that you never have rogue pieces of toilet paper hanging around on the floor near you.
Still…. nothing beats my own toilet. It might have a jiggily seat that I can’t seem to tighten, but I still love it just the same.
My bathroom and I? We have a relationship. A great relationship.
So Arjewtino? Thanks for bringing it up.
My bathroom – this shout out goes to you. I’ll be home soon.