Poop is like income tax. Neither are pleasant when you consider them singularly… but when you put them in context, both are great.
- Taxes: Giving money to the government is no fun, but having to pay income tax means that I have a job, which is a positive. There are also all sorts of super useful and important government programs that my taxes help fund. Things such as the $221,490 the government gave for the Brown Mansion in Coffeyville, KS because it is believed to be a site of paranormal activity and has recently been popular for ghost hunters looking for a scare. I used to love the X-files and thought Scully was hot. If the government wants to use my tax money to fund a real-life Fox Mulder and Scully, then I’m all for it.
- Poop: Pooping means my digestive system is still mostly intact and that I have cleared room so I can eat more food. I like to eat, so clearing room is very important. Pooping is also important for other reasons that I’m about to discuss.
The point here is, if we didn’t have either, we’d be up shit’s creek (cue groans).
“Poop Time” could refer to the amount of time it takes you to push some poop out of your body, but that’s just icky and it’s not what I’m talking about.
Let me tell explain.
Growing up, I was a fast pooper. I was always in and out of the bathroom within 90 seconds at the most. It actually became lore among people who knew me well.
And then there’s my Dad. (Hi Dad! Look, another mention in my blog! You’re famous!)
When I was growing up, every day after breakfast my Dad, along with several sections of the newspaper, would disappear into the downstairs bathroom for 15 or 20 minutes. It was such a routine that I made sure I read the sports section before breakfast just so I wouldn’t interrupt it.
The thing is, I always wondered what he did in there. I mean, I figured he was reading, but I couldn’t understand why he would need to. For me, it was a waste to bring a book into the bathroom, since I would barely make it through a page or 2 before I was done.
This was all so very confusing…. so one day I finally just asked.
“Dad, why do you spend so much time pooping?”
And that’s when I learned about the stunning principle of “Poop Time.”
Poop Time refers to the block of time that a person is in the bathroom, but it’s all a cover.
It’s really bonding time with ourselves.
You see, to most of the known universe, the concept of someone else’s poop is disgusting. I’m pretty sure we’re born with the knowledge that bothering someone while they are pooping is, using a technical term here, yucky. By taking advantage of this principle, a person can legitimately book a significant amount of guaranteed uninterrupted time every day, under the guise of pooping. Everyone needs alone time, which is especially hard to get when you are at work or at home with your family.
My Dad told me¹ that it was Sir Isaac Newton who first discovered the Poop Time Principle. Apparently Newton was on the toilet dropping a deuce when he formulated the concept of gravity. The problem was that he wouldn’t have any credibility if he told the rest of the world that he discovered this groundbreaking concept while looking at some medieval porn on the shitter. No, another story needed to be created.
Newton puzzled over this conundrum for hours while relaxing outside under a tree. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an apple fell and knocked him pretty hard on the head. While rubbing the rapidly growing bump on his oversized noggin, he realized something: with all of the distractions in the world, he did his best thinking while sitting on the toilet.
Thus the Poop Time Principle was conceived. Eureka!
Newton then realized that he could use the falling apple thing as his cover story for discovering gravity, and it would also be a secret tribute to his more impactful discovery of the Poop Time Principle.
From that point on, fathers from all over the world have taught their sons the importance of the Poop Time Principle. With the advent of women’s rights, some pioneering women have also learned to apply the principle as well.
Just as my father taught me about it, I will pass this knowledge along to my children one day.
You probably didn’t know it, but today is the 300th anniversary of the discovery of the Poop Time Principle. On November 20th, 1708 Newton’s poop changed history.
So, in honor of this anniversary, I ask you to take an extra moment while in the bathroom today and appreciate your alone time.
I did, because that’s where I wrote this entry.