DC Dating Translated

Dating is like sanskrit.  We’ve all heard of it, but we have no idea how to decipher it.

So, here’s the thing.  Y’all are way too uptight about dating.

Relax! Enjoy yourselves!  Dating will not kill you.  Only YOU will kill yourself with all your worrying and complaining and reading too much into things.

What? You don’t know what I’m talking about?  Ok then – I’ll give you some examples:

Girl: Hey! It’s great to see you, how ya doing tonight?

Guy: Hi! I’m doing well.

Ok, pretty innocent conversation, right?  Here’s what’s really going on:

Girl: Hey! It’s great to see you, how ya doing tonight?

Girl thoughts: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod I was hoping to run into him tonight. Do I look ok? I hope my ass doesn’t look to fat in this outfit.  Does he notice?  He looks really cool in that shirt, but hmm thats a bit too much chest hair popping out for my liking.  Maybe he’s a criminal.  Criminals generally have chest hair popping out… criminals and child molestors.  Hmm he does kind of have that look about him.  Damnit I knew there would be something wrong with him when he asked me out.  Hmm how do I get out of this?  This is moving way too fast for me.  He’s definitely way more into it than I am.

Guy: Hi! I’m doing well.

Guy thoughts: She has boobs.  I like boobs.  If I move my head just slightly to the right, I can see more boobs.  Sex. Sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexfootballsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex.  Nice ass.

So, what have we learned from this?

Guys: We learn that no matter what we do, we’re going to make chick’s freak out.  Why?  Because they like to overthink EVERYTHING.  Seriously.  It’s something you can’t avoid.  Things that you don’t even think anyone would notice, such as a piece of lint on your shoulder, can make a chick flip out.  One moment you’re fine and dandy, and the next moment, in her mind, she’ll be freaking out that she can’t possibly marry a man who isn’t as neat as her.  Just because of that little piece of lint.  And this is on the first date.  As long as you understand this, it will be much easier to handle her (what seem to be) completely random freakouts.

Women: We learn that you cannot underestimate how much guys think about sex.  Before you’ve even met us, we’ve imagined having sex with you in at least 5 positions what your boobs look like.  Guys, don’t deny it, you know it’s true.  Once we’ve seen you?  Well, if I told you what went on in our minds, trust me, you’d never want to go out with us again.  Know what else women?  You can’t possibly understand how simple we truly are.  When we say things like “I’m fine, how are you?”  We don’t have a subtle inflection in our tone that implies that we think your ass is fat.  Trust me on this, WE AREN’T THAT SMART.  So, in order to figure us out, think of the absolute most simple explanation for what’s going on, and then make in 99% simpler.  Seriously.

So what’s my point here?  I have no fucking clue.

I just got into London this morning after taking the red-eye, and I’m really jet lagged.  I’m not even sure if I’m actually blogging, or just hallucinating about my computer.

My advice to all of you prospective daters out there is: take a step back.  Before you let your mind go all haywire – look at the facts.  Facts never lie.  We tend to create stories in our mind about things that haven’t happened, and before you know it – we’ve completely destroyed a relationship that never even started. 

Ok.  I think I’m done with talking about dating for now.  Since I’m in London, I’m going to be blogging about that over the next couple of days until I return.

Cheerio!

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2 responses to “DC Dating Translated

  1. I wish i had your advice about a month ago. Couldnt be more on point, and this is from a guy. Now the question is; is the relationship officially over…

    Hmmm well, it depends, do you want it to be over? If you want more advice, feel free to email me at toblogor at yahoo dot com

  2. Did you just crawl in my brain and dig up some of the crazy? Classic! Luckily, most women have control (somewhat) of this kind of crazy.

    To quote one of my favorite shows: “He doesn’t need to know that I cry sometimes because I don’t know if there is a cat heaven”. (And yes I have cried about this too… no surprise I’m sure).

    Hope you have a fab time in London! Cheers!

    I don’t need to crawl into your brain to dig up crazy – you have so much it just sort of seeps out 😉 haha *duck*

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