Dating is like auditioning for American Idol. We all have a great time talking about the disgustingly awful people and the really awesome people. What never gets talked about are the really average auditioners. Those thousands upon thousands of those people who try out and just aren’t quite good enough. The thing is, the judges spend the bulk of their time weeding these people out.
That’s how we date. We waste our time going out with average people. Initially, they aren’t bad enough to cut out quickly, so we give them a chance. We go on 2 or 3 or 4 dates with them until we start seeing their true colors. Such as when you realize they host full reenactments of the “Clone Wars” in their apartment.
What is dating?
Wikipedia defines dating as: any social activity undertaken by, typically, two people with the aim of each assessing the other’s sexy parts suitability as their partner in an friends with benefits intimate relationship or as a highly bitter ex who will continually stalk you spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity (i.e. oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse). Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal (because, in some way, we all pay for sex).
I define dating as: A big fat cluster fuck that usually ends as an epic fail/with someone getting a restraining order/with someone getting an eye poked out because you ran with scissors poorly.
What makes a good date
There are many so-called “good” reasons to go on a date, like getting a free meal, having sexual relations, and an excuse to avoid awkward work functions. The real point of dating is to determine if the person you are going out with has a chance to be a life partner. The faster, the better.
A good date will help you do this. You see, a good date involves doing something that is interactive and promotes communication. Oh, and before you get all excited, telling him to go harder and faster does not count as communication in an interactive setting.
I’m sorry to say it, but this means that making out in the back row movies are out. It means trying to pretend you are classy going to the theater is out. It means that doing anything where you sit around for more than an hour, not talking, is out. If you luck out and make it to the 4th or 5th date – you can start doing these things.
So what’s left to do? Well stop being a douche bag, and get creative.
Yeah, I know. What the hell am I thinking, right? Well… that’s why I’m here to help. I’ve done the legwork for you already, so here is my list of:
12 Great DC Dates
Online Bosom Buddies
He/She has the sexiest profile ever and you’ve been having steamy 2am cybersex for the past week. Ready to see if it translates to real life? Here are a number of places that will help you get to know your Dot-com Don Juan just a little bit better.
Phillips Collection – After 5 – This event, “combines live jazz, gallery talks, superb modern art, and a cash bar for a memorable evening on the first Thursday of every month from 5 to 8:30 pm.” Let’s see…. alcohol, music, and art combined? Leave your Metallica t-shirt at home and get classy on this perfect recipe for a first date. Walk around the gallery and get an idea of your date’s lack of taste in art and music – or just get trashed at the bar.
Melting Pot – You aren’t getting laid on the first date, so there’s no reason to spend $150. So skip the cliché and don’t come for dinner. Instead, show off your suave side and bring your date here for happy hour or dessert. The bar area is intimately low key, romantically lit, and what’s more sexy than good conversation while saber fighting over cheese or chocolate fondue?
Little Fountain Cafe – This is one of my favorite little dinner places in DC. It’s quiet, romantic, has great service, and provides the perfect setting for some good conversation. Since it’s in Adams Morgan, you’ll have plenty of places to go and grab drinks afterward…. well assuming you aren’t dating this guy:
What? You aren’t a psycho murderer? Ok – let’s go out again!
So, he doesn’t have a 3rd arm poking out of his forehead, and you haven’t discovered the secret stash of necrophiliac porn in his freezer yet. For a 2nd date, try one of these places to start weeding out those skeletons.
Millenium Stage – Nothing says classy like the Kennedy Center, and nothing says great 2nd date like “free concert.” I know I said no concerts – but in our shitty economy taking a date to one of the daily free concerts is money in the bank. They only go from 6 – 7pm each night, which leaves you with tons of time to walk around and explore the exhibits at the Kennedy Center. The restaurants on the roof are pretty good, but a bit expensive.
Event at an Embassy – Want to pretend you’re a somebody in this status hungry town? Then take your date to an event at an embassy. Quite a few of the embassies host events, which tend to be pretty cool. Wine tasting, exhibitions, talks, dance lessons, you name it. Wanna go to a Finnish Christmas Bazaar? Find out about events on the individual embassy websites, the Washington Post, or in the Embassy Events magazine, though I’m not sure if they’re still in business.
Eastern Market – Come visit one of the 10 best neighborhoods in America and shop at DC’s oldest continually operated fresh food market. Women love to shop, and the best time to take one is on a 2nd date. Why? Because you aren’t so whipped that they’ll force you to carry their purse while they examine every piece of jewelry and clothing. So go on a weekend when the flea market is in full swing, and then grab a bite to eat at the multitude of restaurants.
DC Dating Insider
So, you wanna impress your date with your insider knowledge? Your date already thinks they already know all the hotspots? Here’s a couple date ideas for you.
Anderson House – Society of the Cincinnati – Are you and your date history buffs? Want to check out an extremely exclusive property in a hot part of town? Come take a free guided tour of the house dedicated to the descendants of the officers in the Revolutionary Army.
The Mansion on O Street – Only slightly less exclusive than the Anderson House, the Mansion on O is only open to the public a couple times during the week, and it’s one of the coolest places in DC. Take your date to their Afternoon Tea on Sunday, and then get lost checking out the 100+ rooms in the maze of secret passageways. Not a recommended date location if you plan on going out with psycho murderers.
Iron Gate Inn Restaurant – One of the least known, yet most romantic restaurants in DC. If you’ve ever walked around the Dupont Circle area, I guarantee you’ve walked right by it and never knew it. The food is only ok, but the atmosphere is perfect. Take your date here in the summer and enjoy the patio, come in the winter and sit by the raging fire.
Take the Relationship Outside the Bedroom
Put your clothes on, and get out of the house for a little jaunt in the great outdoors.
Roosevelt Island – Have a little bit of outdoorsman in you? (Want some? heh heh) Then come to the least visited of the DC Presidential memorials. The Teddy Roosevelt Memorial is located on a DC island only accessible from the GW parkway. The memorial is beautiful, and the island has a number of short hiking paths that will give you great views of the Georgetown waterfront.
National Arboretum – Full Moon Hike – Here’s an event where you have a choice. You can either have a really romantic time, or you can choose to scare the shit out of your date. Depending on the quality of your date, either way it’s a win! Take a 5 mile guided walk through moonlit meadows and other gardeny type things. The walks are wildly popular and book up way in advance. Interested? Then register here
Picnic on the NOT Tidal Basin – Take a picnic basket and blanket and have fun at the Tidal Basin, just not the Tidal Basin. I swear I’m about to make sense. There’s a quiet strip of land right next to Ohio Ave SW that sits along the Potomac River. Tourists don’t know it’s there, and most people are in a rush to get over to the memorials. For extra credit, go at sunset and have some wine & cheese with a great view, and then check out the rest of the tidal basin and the FDR memorial just a 3 minute walk away.
This list is guaranteed to provide you with a good time…. though I provide no guarantees on the quality of your date.
Tune in for more dating advice this week. Tomorrow? The 12 Rules For a Good Date.