12 Reasons I Won’t Date You

Dating is like eating chili – when it’s good it’s really good… but when it’s bad, it just gives you the shits.

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, my theme for the week is dating…. and if you’ve had a problem finding a date in this fine city, then pay close attention. I’m here to help.

DC is a great dating town for guys. It’s a buyers market – lots of single women, not as many single men.

I’ve lived in DC for just over a decade and have tried just about every possible way of finding dates. Let’s see, I’ve:

  • Done the online thing
  • Picked up people in bars
  • Met people through friends
  • Met people through co-workers
  • Gave up on those people and dated the co-worker instead
  • Met people on mass-transit
  • Picked up people at arts venues (art galleries, the theater, concerts, finger painting seminars, you name it)
  • [Insert location name, and I guarantee you I’ve picked someone up there. That includes at a funeral home. Bring it.]

I’ve had varying success with all of these avenues, but I’m not here to talk about the validity of any of those places.

Why? Because I’m here to help you. Your crappy dating life will remain exactly the same no matter where you go.

(I’ll pause here for a moment until the guffawing, snorting, and rolling of the eyes dies down)

You see, I’ve realized that the true key to finding a good date isn’t the place….

Wanna know what the key is?

Are you sure you can handle the truth?

(If big-brother didn’t block it, I would have inserted a youtube video of Jack Nicholson screaming, “You can’t handle the truth!” So do me a small favor and just imagine it for me, wouldja? Thanks)

Ok, I’ll give you a hint.

Take a look in the mirror....

Take a look in the mirror....

It’s really all about YOU.

Yes you. So stop fucking up your dating life, would you?

Oh, now don’t try to pretend that I don’t know what I’m talking about, or that I don’t know your situation. Pull your huge fucking head out of your tight little ass and get with the game. There’s only one common denominator in your consistently crappy dating life, and that’s you.

What was that you said? Your dating life isn’t consistently crappy? Just intermitantly crappy? Well then, since you are so high and mighty why don’t you take a big swig of some shut-the-hell-up too.

We all get lucky sometimes.

I’ve been where you are. I truly have been, and then one day I woke up and it just came to me. It might have been God speaking to me, or it might have been the narcotics – either way, I should still be institutionalized I have the answer.

You see, it’s not about the place you meet people, it’s really all about the criteria you use to decide whether or not they are worth trying to date.

Ok, I’ll wait while you bitch at me about how you have standards and blah blah blah and this that and the other and nice asses and big arms and taller than 5’8 and bullshit bullshit BULLSHIT!

It’s all crap. Why? Because you don’t really have the same standards that you thought you had.

How do I know? Because I’ve been where you are. I thought I had standards too.

In The Beginning….

I had pretty much 1 rule of dating: No penises.

That worked right up until:

12 Reasons I Won't Date You

You think I’m joking.

The thing is, this kind of thing happens to YOU all the time. It just isn’t quite as obvious.

So, if you were me and suddenly realized that your date had an un-requested penis, would you just think to yourself: “Well, maybe they’ll change – I mean, it’s not so bad… it’s pretty small and kind of cute. I’ll just ignore it and it’ll go away.”

NO! Of course not! You wanna know what happens when you ignore something like this?

One morning you wake up and realize that your girlfriend has been fucking YOU in the ass is not treating you as nicely as you would like.

Until you finally put 2 and 2 together, you’ve just wondered why your ass has been killing you you haven’t really been happy this whole time.

I’ll say it again. This happens to you ALL THE TIME.

So, what’s the problem?

You can only live by standards and rules that have been defined.

Because you only have a general idea of your standards, you end up dating people who violate all sorts of rules, until one day you wake up with a bloody ass and get the fuck out.

So, do yourself a favor, suck it up, and spend 30 minutes thinking about your standards and rules, and then WRITE THEM DOWN. Once you have your list, promise yourself that you’ll stick to it.

It is ok to modify your list once or twice – but you are not allowed to grandfather people in. That means you can’t date someone and then modify the list. Don’t lower your standards – that’s what got your ass bloody in the first place!

I stuck to my list, and it’s worked out great for me. Yes, it takes discipline – but the formula works.

So, to prove my point, I’m going to share with you my list of the:

12 Reasons Why I Won’t Date You


1: The first question you ask is, “So what do you do?”

If this is the first question you ask me, then you have no hope. I won’t date a woman who lacks in the personality department, or a woman who only dates for status. Ask me where I’m from, what books I’m reading, what kind of music I listen to, or how many times a day I pick my nose. I don’t care, as long as it’s not that question. We’ll get around to it eventually.

2: You put the class in classless

If anyone has ever mistaken you in public for being a hooker or stripper, then the closest you are going to get to a date with me is a $20 shoved in your garter. You don’t need to be Princess Di all the time — you just need to know when the proper times are. As a starter – the appropriate place to put your gum is NOT under the table at a 5-Star restaurant.

3: You only wear jeans

I don’t have any problems wearing jeans, but if you aren’t willing to dress up for me, then you have no hope. I prefer the kind of girl who tends to slightly overdress for most situations. Again, I have no problems with jeans, but if we’re going out to brunch with some friends, I like the fact that you take the time to get yourself ready and are the best dressed person in the room.

4: You don’t have an opinion

If I wanted a woman without an opinion, I would buy a Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll. I don’t want you to defer to my every whim unless it involves oral pleasure. I want to hear your thoughts on the world, on politics, on the arts, on ANYTHING. The thing is, if you have an opinion, you better be prepared to defend it. The last thing I need is someone who has an irrational opinion about something and doesn’t know why they have it – and “just because” doesn’t count. I won’t hate you for your opinion, as long as it’s informed and you agree that I’m always right.

5: Your shirts aren’t low cut enough

No, this does not violate the classy rule. Why? Because I’m not going for the slut look…. I just want to see some of your boobs. I like a woman who is comfortable with her body, and knows how to look attractive and sexy. Attractivity (yes, I created that word) for men pretty much starts and ends with boobs. If you are always wearing big poofy sweaters and hiding your feminine form – then you have no chance. Oh, and in case you were wondering, there are professional ways to show off your boobs – if you don’t know what they are, learn them!

6: I can see your underwear

The only times I want to see your underwear are either when they are lying on the floor next to my bed, or when you are walking around my place. I don’t want to see your panty-lines. I don’t want to catch a view when you cross your legs in a meeting. I don’t want to see your thong when you bend over. No no no no! Those things aren’t sexy, they just mean you don’t know how to dress yourself! Not sure how to avoid them? Go here!

7: You’ve never been outside the country

What? You don’t like traveling? Sorry missy, you are out of luck with me then. Why? Because I want someone who is worldy. If you are happy just sticking around here, then you won’t mind if I get in my car and drive the fuck away. I once went on a date with a chick who hadn’t been beyond the borders of DC, MD, and VA in more than 5 years. I believe the date ended within 10 minutes.

8: If I meet you at a bar and you’re drunk

I don’t want to date someone who is a sloppy drunk. Hold your fricken alcohol wouldja?? We all like to get our drink on, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to dance on the bar wearing your undies on your head. I don’t date strippers, and I won’t date you either.

9: You diss McDonalds at 3am

So, let’s say we got to a bar and get our drink on. Let’s just say that afterward you and I have the munchies. Let’s just say that the only place open is McDonalds. 3am might be the only time I’m willing to eat there, but if you turn your nose up at good ole Mickey D’s, then our relationship is going to last about as long as it takes to get a BigMac at the drive-thru.

10: You are a smoker

Ok ok, I’ll give you this – if you smoke, we are allowed to fuck like bunnies have a little fun, but we won’t be dating. I want to be with someone who respects their body, and will be around in 50 or 60 years. My grandmother smoked for 40 years and when I was a kid, she was so sick she could never play with me. I don’t want that for my kids and grandkids.

12 Reasons I Won't Date You

11: You can’t walk in high heels, or only wear flats

It really all comes back to the clothes and being classy. Wear heels that are appropriate for your outfit, and know how to walk in them. Classy women know how to work a good pair of pumps…. oh and anything taller than 4 inches is saved for the bedroom. Don’t like heels? Then you can take your “comfy” flats and walk the hell away from me.

12: You have more stuffed animals than pillows on your bed

I’ve caved on this a little bit – my rule used to be NO stuffed animals, but that was a bit too stringent. I don’t like sharing the bed with things from your childhood. The last thing I want is to be staring at Winnie the Pooh and friends while we’re fucking our brains out when I wake up in the middle of the night. That’s just a bit creepy. Grow up a little and cut the menagerie down.

No no no no!

No no no no!

Extra Credit: You have to pee more than once per hour on a car ride

It’s not a killer, but if you can’t hold it for more than 60 minutes, then we’re going to be in trouble. If you can hold it for 3+ hours…. then you definitely win bonus points!

So, now that you’ve seen my list – go create your own, and live by it.

I guarantee it will improve your dating experiences!

Have some dating questions? Post them here and I’ll address all your dating questions later in the week!

Come back tomorrow for the 12 Best Dates in DC


24 responses to “12 Reasons I Won’t Date You

  1. “If anyone has ever mistaken you in public for being a hooker or stripper, then the closest you are going to get to a date with me is a $20 shoved in your garter.”

    Well, I’m out. Balls.

    Maybe. But you could be up $20 πŸ˜‰

  2. It wasn’t my fault! You can ask Suicide Blond…I was wearing jeans and a turtleneck. And glasses!

    I did make about $200 though. Not bad for a night’s work.

    If you can make $200 wearing a turtleneck, then you are definitely my kind of woman πŸ˜‰ It takes class to make that kind of dough!

  3. Now I don’t wear high heels tooo much but not because of the comfort issue. It’s more of a “I’ll be the freakishly tall girl in the room” thing. With 3 inch heels I’m hitting the 6’1” mark.. and when you are married to a 5’8” man… well… you get where I’m going with this?

    Excuses. If he can’t handle dating a tall women, he needs to suck it up.

  4. First things first.

    The key to anal sex is lube. Lots of lube.

    Second. I’m so glad that reading about my standards, or lack thereof, have provided you with so much blog fodder. Cough, 5′ 8″, cough.

    Third and last. Hell yeah on the heels thing.

    Love the post.

    You were definitely the inspiration for the 5’8 thing… hehe What can I say, you are quite inspiring!! (and I mean that totally in a good way) I agree with the anal sex thing, totally. You can never use too much! πŸ˜‰

  5. Everyone’s got their deal breakers. I definitely agree it’s good to know what they are and be upfront about them. And anyone who turns their nose up at a 3am Mickey D’s run? Should be shot, never mind undatable.

    Thank you. I believe you now qualify for the girlfriend hall of fame πŸ˜‰

  6. Ha. You’d have to ask B about that. Ask him on steak and BJ day, though.

    Isn’t that every day? And if not, it should be! πŸ˜‰

  7. Good post. However, I dress up so much for work, I live in jeans on the weekends. This is why I like my current dude so much – laid back casual. I like to wear rocker tshirts, over long sleeve t’s and jeans – with a pair of doc martens. Young Republican during the week, Rocker Chick on the weekends.

    Taco Bell at 3am is awesome as well.

    See, it’s ok to be laid back during the weekend… I just like a girl who likes dressing up. You don’t have to be in full get-up everytime I come over πŸ˜‰ Of course, since you are a republican, that could be the problem right there haha *duck*

    I’m with ya on the taco bell

  8. I’m a moderate Republican – pro choice and all. I just my love my jeans and my uggs – yep I wear em.

    I’ll refrain from commenting. I believe you own a firearm πŸ˜‰

  9. many at that — looney I am (just kidding not really, I am actually nice in real life).

    The last time I heard that I was in cuffs and face down on the floor within 5 minutes πŸ˜‰

  10. It’s good to have standards. I think a few of yours might be debatable, though. For instance…

    …if I didn’t want to eat at McDonald’s at 3am, would it be okay as long as I went with you and didn’t complain about it?

    …if I’d never been outside the country, would it be okay if I DID want to go? (For the record, I’ve been outside the country, but I know a number of great women who haven’t.)

    You bring up some good points. Ok – so the McDonalds one… ya gotta eat the McDonald’s to pass the test. It’s less about the place, and more about the situation. I want to date someone who isn’t super picky about their food. Someone who is adventurous. So, if you’re drunk and STILL not willing to eat some McDonalds, there are probably some other hangups in there as well.

    As for traveling – if you want to travel and haven’t, I’m ok with that – because some situational stuff can get in the way of traveling previously (i.e. not enough money).

  11. So you mention finding yourself with someone with a penis but you don’t put it on your list.


    Trying to start something here, eh? EH? Haha No, I never found myself “with” someone – but I had a close call once. The picture was just too priceless not to use. Either way, no I don’t have that as part of my list, because if rule #1 is no penis, then I’m already on the wrong track… I tried to get away from physical descriptions for my rules. That said, pretty much all of my rules basically involve the words girl or woman. So, if you are a man who walks well in heels, technically, you’ve already violated that rule. Nice try Cochran. I have my eye on you.

  12. “Dating is like eating chili – when it’s good it’s really good… but when it’s bad, it just gives you the shits.”

    Oh my god that is genius and so true. I will be passing on those words of wisdom to people.

    I am with you about the traveling thing. If you have never left your own backyard, then all that tells me is you are boring and hate excitement.

    And for stuffed animals, oh god that is cute when you are 12. I really hate when girls have stuffed animals. Now with guys if they have stuffed animals on their bed then I think the question of “Are you gay?” is answered.

    I think I might just have to make my list now.

    Would love to see your list! πŸ™‚

  13. I have to take issue with this here point: Attractivity (yes, I created that word) for men pretty much starts and ends with boobs.

    My hubby is an ass man.

    Otherwise, I cosign on all ‘dat you wrote up there.

    There’s a great mix of boob and ass man out there… but you can’t uncover your ass at work in the same way you can with your boobs πŸ˜‰

  14. P.S. And I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee women who say they can’t walk in heels. WTF?!

  15. I agree with all of them except #9. It’s not because I’m a vegetarian but because I can’t do places with bad lighting. McDonald’s and Subway platforms at that hours just aren’t flattering.

    So, would you do take-out then?

  16. Ok I did my reasons why I won’t date you over on my blog. Thanks for the great idea.

    Nice. A must read.

  17. fashionablyliberal

    hmm… seems I’d at least make the first cut πŸ™‚ I’d even earn the bonus points!!

    And I’ll have to say that male or female I wouldn’t be friends with someone who didn’t meet most of your criteria. Expect maybe the whole boob and high heeled shoes thing…that just means I’ll be taking you shopping.

    I mean seriously… How can we have conversation if you don’t have an opinion? It’s no fun if I win every debate. and How can we be friends if we can’t get french fries at 3 AM? (Even me a -trying to eat “greener” veggie-, craves fried potato goodness when drunk)

    Yay for bonus points! These things are resume builders πŸ˜‰

  18. Pingback: Keep Up With Me » Do You Mind Being Asked, “What Do You Do?”

  19. As I am embarking on a first date tonight, this definitely made my day.

    Thank GOD I am known for my marathon bladder, my high heels, love sharing my opinion and usually don’t wear underwear…wait, does that conflict with being classy? πŸ˜‰


    Thanks for the laugh!

    Glad you enjoyed it – hope your date went well. And nothing says class like going commando!

  20. Ah, the heels thing killed me. Well, I do wear them, but I’m six feet tall, and my coordination didn’t follow along with my ridiculous growth spurt. They do happen, though, heh.

    In all seriousness, you are now a regular read for me. This was a great way to brighten up the work day.

    Yeah, I’ve heard the tall girl thing a lot… so I guess there are times when it isn’t appropriate… but I totally get you on the coordination thing. I grew something like 8 inches in a year and away went my coordination!

    Thanks for reading – glad ya like it πŸ™‚ (ps you have a very cool blog too!)

  21. I found my way here from Zandria, and I’ve been meaning to make my standards list for some time now, may just be the push I needed. This was brilliant. And I may just be your perfect woman. Minus the whole out of country thing. Though that will be changing soon, I hope.

    Glad you liked it – and as for your perfect woman statement, please submit your resume to toblogor [at] yahoo [dot] com and I’ll be sure to get back to you with interview times. πŸ˜‰

  22. Pingback: Zandria.us » Dating: ‘Tis the Season

  23. Can’t do too high of heels because of a previous knee injury. And can we substitute Waffle House for McDonald’s? LOL

  24. u all need some feth

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