Forget what you’ve read on all the major news outlets, they are all full of shit. You wanna know why Obama really won? I’ll tell you.
Race – A bigtime issue in this country. Clearly in a race, Obama kicks McCain’s ass. Have you seen a picture of Obama with his shirt off? Damn! Who does McCain/Palin promote? Joe 6-pack and Joe Plumber. We all know that the 6-pack ain’t referring to their abs, and with that huge crack showing, Sir Plumber ain’t goin anywhere fast.
Height – C’mon, this is an easy one. No one likes a guy with a Napolean Complex. At a shrimpy 5’6 John McCain would have been the 2nd shortest President ever – taller only than James Madison (who was voted as making the 6th worst Presidential mistake ever). The next 2 shortest Presidents? The luminaries Benjamin Harrison and Martin Van Buren (known as 2 of the worst Presidents ever!). History wins out as Obama, at 6’1, is taller than all but 8 President’s.
The Ears – Everyone loves having someone who will listen to them bitch. In this election, it’s even more true…. we have a lot to complain about. So who better to elect than some dude with huge ears?
Playboy Effect – Playboy has a history of featuring culturally famous people within the hallowed pages of this historical digest. The thing is though, they never feature winners. No, they always feature losers. Why? Because winners have more important things to do than pose, and the losers don’t want to be forgotten. So what does this have to do with this election? The voters knew that if McCain lost, then there was a much greater chance of Sarah Palin posing in Playboy! If she won, we’d have NO chance of seeing her naked. Plus, no one really wants to see Biden naked. My prediction? Give her about a year or 2….
Economy – Probably THE biggest issue of this election. John McCain has had major health problems, while Obama is in very good health. By not electing McCain, we’re saving this country tons and tons of money because we won’t have to prop up his saggy ass with free healthcare for the rest of his life. Talk about a savings! This country is fiscally responsible!
Sinatra Effect – He might be dead, but he still has an effect on the election. Obama is from Illinois, and basically calls Chicago his home town. Sinatra made a career of singing the song “My Kind of Town” – which is all about Chicago. Cool tune. We like cool people and cool places. It’s an association kind of thing. McCain? Who wants to sing about Phoenix? It’s a shithole.
Sports – We are a sports crazy nation. We like President’s who enjoy them. Reagan and the Bushes – bigtime baseball fans. The Bushes also kept in shape quite a bit. Bill Clinton liked track and field (he jogged quite a bit, which kept him in shape to chase after women). Obama is a fan of Basketball and works out like crazy. John McCain? The dude is so old and crotchety that the only sport he’s up for is shuffleboard. Fuck that.
The Cubs Effect – To my point above, we all feel bad for the Cubs… I mean, how can you not? Voting for Obama gives Cubs fans all over the country hope… because if a black man from the mid-west can win the presidency, then the Cubs just might have a chance.
No One Likes a Grumpy Old Man – ‘Nuff said.
We’re still scared of “The Gays” – Say what you will, but John McCain went to the Naval Academy, and well, we all know what that means? Yep – way too many gay semen jokes, which are offensive to our sensitive morality. Also? No President has ever come out of the Naval Academy, and only 2 other President’s have even come from a Military Academy, and they were both Generals (Eisenhower and Grant).
Television – We sure do love our TV. It influences a good bit of what we do. On Facebook, Obama lists his favorite show as Sportscenter. It’s hip. It’s cool. It has the coolest commercials ever. McCain? He lists Seinfeld and 24. Seinfeld WAS a great show, but it hasn’t been on in years. Thats the 1st hint that he’s out of touch. 24? The Presidents on that show are either offed, corrupt, or inept (or all 3!). He can’t fool the American public – Obama wins!
War Hero Equals Big-Ass Zero – Over the last 5 elections, the bigger war hero has gotten his ass kicked. Clinton beats Bush and Dole. Bush beats Gore (who wasn’t a hero, but at least went to Vietnam) and Kerry. Obama beats McCain. Apparently we vote for the biggest wuss.
So, there you go. The REAL reasons why Obama won… I mean, after considering my points, was there really ever any question?
**EDIT** I have been informed that apparently Jimmy Carter ALSO went to the Naval Academy briefly, after transferring schools twice. I would not, however, call this a rousing endorsement in terms of quality Presidents.