Real men don’t cry, and real men don’t do yoga. Apparently real men don’t Tango either, but I screwed that one up a while ago.
You see, GF really wants me to go to yoga with her, and I’ve resisted for quite some time. My main argument goes something like this:
There’s only 1 other guy in the class, and he looks like this:
Is that what you want me to look like?
This worked for a while…
But GF would not relent, and after a while, those puppy dog eyes won out and I agreed to go.
Fine. Fuck it. I’ll do it…. but only cause I can blog about it afterward.
You see, I like to think of myself as a pretty in-shape kind of guy. I go to the gym fairly regularly, and eat well.
This yoga thing can’t be THAT hard…. can it?
So, for all the men out there in the world who are wondering the very same thing…. here’s a running diary of my very first yoga class.
6:35pm – Get dressed in super matchy Adidas running outfit.
Ooh lah lah I look hotttttttt today! So athletic. Oh ToBlogOr, your pecs look so big in that shirt….
6:45pm – Decide to drive the 3/4 of a mile to yoga instead of running.
Don’t want to be too sweaty because that will mess up my hair tired before I get there
6:48pm – Commence vulgar outburst at car in front for driving 15mph under the speed limit
6:49pm – Finish vulgar outburst at car in front for now driving 12mph under the speed limit
I forgive you. You have Virginia plates…. you know not what you are doing….
6:56pm – Parallel park and sprint from car with yoga mat
Can’t be late… can’t be late… must get spot….
6:59pm – Enter class a bit out of breath with 1 minute to spare. Everyone impressed that I “ran” to class
That’s right… whose the athlete now? Check out the pecs baaaaby! Hmmm ok what’s the best spot to pick… where do I get the best view?
7:00pm – Class begins.
Ouch. The ground is hard. What the hell is up with these Nike yoga mats? They’re like .0003 mm thick. Ergh. Ok, suck it up buddy, it’s only an hour and 15 minutes…. you can do this.
7:01pm – “Welcome to class, it’s so good to see everyone. How about we start on our backs?”
Hmmm I’m hungry. Is class almost over yet? Hmmm well hello there hottie yoga chicks…. looking forward to checking out your “downward dog’s” heh heh heh
7:05pm – “Ok everyone, while on your back bring your legs up to your chest and make big circles…”
Is this all there is? What? I must be doing it wrong…. ok calm down, just look around but pretend you know what you are doing….
7:12pm – “While on your hands and knees, let’s do Cat and Cow. So lift your head and push your pelvis out…..”
Cat? Cow? No… this is doggie style practice! Woo! I knew I’d like yoga! heh heh heh
7:19pm – “Bending over at your waist, put your hands on the floor, and step back with your right leg. Then put your arms up into Warrior…..
Hmmm the hot chick in front of me isn’t too bad. I can see her boobs every time she bends over. Damnit, she keep catching me checking her out… focus…. focus…. boobs….. boooooobbbssssss
7:26pm – “Slide forward into Plank…. knees, chest, & chin as you move into Upward Dog.”
Ooooh these are like push-ups. I can do this! That’s right ladies… check out the upper body strength.
7:31pm – “Don’t forget to return to the breath…”
Uhhhh what? Return to the breath? Return it where? Why does everyone sound like they have emphysema?
7:38pm – “We’re going to be working on opening up our hips.”
Translation: we’re going to squish your balls now in every imaginable angle. Hmmmm these positions would be so much more fun if we did it with partners. Mmmm good position to see more boo…..
7:39pm – SMACK
Oops hello GF, nice to see you too
7:44pm – “Let’s reach forward with our right leg. If you can slide into the splits, take it slow.”
Oouch ouch ouch owwwwww shit fuck ouch hamstring HAMSTRING groin groin GROIN GROIN GROIN GROIN AAARGHHH!
7:53pm – I missed what she just said, but I think it sounded something like: “Now with your right leg back behind you, lift your left leg over your right ear and place your left wrist to the left of your forward buttock. Make sure your hips are even.”
Are you fucking kidding me lady? How do women do this? I’d like to keep all my tendons and ligaments in place, thank you very much. What the hell is this position called anyway? Standing Buttfucker?
7:57pm – “While standing, place your right foot on the inside of your left calf. Then, as we levitate, make sure you don’t lean too far to the left, as the room is a bit crowded. Keep your hands tight to your lower back, to protect it.”
I may or may not be hallucinating at this point. I think I forgot to breath….
7:59pm – “Now everyone pick up your porridge, and let’s sing some songs from Mary Poppins. While we’re doing that, let’s do one last sun salute.”
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m hallucinating now… why are we worshiping the sun this late in the session? Mmmmmmm porridge….
8:01pm – “Let’s return to our backs… if you have any last positions you’d like…..”
Positions I’d like? Is fetal-while-whimpering-and-sucking-thumb a yoga position?
8:03pm – “Your legs are relaxing….. your legs are relaxing….”
Ahhhh she turned out the lights. Feeling relaxed…. feeling relaaaaaaaxed….. gotta pee….. itch on my nose…. don’t scratch it….. is that an ant on my arm?…… damn I’m sweaty….. I swear that’s gotta be an ant….. argh…. trying to relax…… if I relax anymore I’m gonna pee my pants…… relaaaaaaaaxxxxx
8:13pm – “……………………”
8:15pm – “Thank you for sharing your practice with me today….”
And that was the end of that. While feeling a bit like a pretzel, I still had all my limbs attached and a small shred of my dignity in place. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be, but not hard enough to scare me away from doing it again. Plus, there were a plethora of boobies barely concealed by the tight yoga outfits. Definitely a plus!
If you want to keep your extra manly image, yoga may not be right for you – but I’m pretty confident in my sexuality, and coming across as “sensitive” helps me get laid.
Will I go back?
Apparently, for a guy at his first yoga class, I’m sort of flexible.
GF was impressed.