Stupid People: DC Commuter Edition

Let’s talk about a serious issue for once…

DC has a major problem: Commuter Stupidity.

So – the population of our fine city increases something like 72% every day due to commuters. I also believe the intelligence of our city decreases by 144% over that same period.  It’s as if when people cross over the Roosevelt Bridge, they are suddenly transported back to their school days when they took field trips to DC… And hadn’t learned how to drive yet!

I avoid traffic circles like the plague at rush hour, because, even though they are supposed to help ease congestion, it’s as if every rule of conscientious driving goes right out the window. Hey let’s make a right turn from across three lanes and NOT use our signal while giving the finger to everyone we cut off.

I could write on and on about this topic, but I’ll save you from that rant… for now. 

But, in keeping with the automobile commuter theme, I want to discuss an issue that has been flying under the radar for a while now…..

Slugging Stupidity

Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m all for helping to save the environment and shit like that…. Oh wait, you don’t know what I’m talking about?

Slugging is basically ride sharing.  The art of slugging was founded in the DC area, though when it began has been disputed mostly by people who have no life as being started anywhere from the late 70’s through the late 80’s.   So, you wanna know where it all began?

 DC Commuter Edition

 

That’s right!  Good ole Bob’s Big Boy is a transportation maverick!  (Take that McCain/Palin!)

The Urban Institute documents the first official slug line as starting in the late 80’s at a Bob’s Big Boy in Springfield.  Apparently Bob’s had all the important attributes for a slug line: parking, a bus stop, easy access to the HOV, and an awesome corned beef hash and eggs breakfast special.

Now here’s the thing….  can it really be that hard to get into someone’s car and get a ride someplace?

Apparently in DC it is!

You see, there’s an official Slugging website where you can learn all about the 18 (18?!?) rules to proper slugging, as well as entrancing facts about the Slug rating system, and a glossary of slugging terms.  My personal favorite slugging terms include: body snatcher, anal scraper, giving head slug, and pearl necklace.

The website is maintained by a fellow who wrote a paper in 4th grade a 124 page tell-all exposé on slugging.  I would quote from the book, but shockingly it’s no-longer in print.

You can even see the official website referenced on the Virginia DOT website, where good ole Paul Williamson, the executive secretary of the Physical Evaluation Board is quoted, “In fact, I thought it would be interesting to write a book called, The Slug Master.” 

Paul Williamson, Slug Master Extraordinaire

Paul Williamson, Slug Master Extraordinaire

Let’s not even get into trying to determine what the “Physical Evaluation Board” is, but Paul, with his porn-star sunglasses & mustache, looks like a perfect fit.

So, where am I going with all this? Good question, thanks for asking.

I was wondering to myself, if commuter slugging could become this popular, what other areas of our life could we apply this principle?  Here’s 2 I could think of….

Date Slugging:  For people who want to avoid the hassle of online dating or meeting someone at a bar.  Friday/Saturday nights.

  • Lines:
    • 8:00pm to 10:30pm – at the Key Bridge, outside any GW sorority, and in front of Roissy’s place. 
    • 2:00am to 4:00am – outside of McFadden’s, Rumors, and Jumbo slice in Adams Morgan. 
  • Rules include: no money should be exchanged, refrain from talking about anything intellectual, binge drinking a must, egregious ass grabbing is only acceptable between 2:45am and 3:15am, and awkward drunken sex in the backseat must be mutually agreed upon. 

Chore Slugging: For people who don’t want to do our chores around the house, especially cleaning/organizing.  Tuesday/Thursday evenings.

  • Lines
    • 7:30pm – Form outside OCD Anonymous meeting sites. 
  • Rules include: don’t park on any cracks, make sure you have at least 3 gallons of hand sanitizer available, and please organize your toll-road change by date & city of coin production before slug gets into car. 

Ahhh, if only the world worked like this.  If you have other ideas of how we could apply this principle – post it here!

And that’s something worth blogging about….. or not.

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2 responses to “Stupid People: DC Commuter Edition

  1. There’s not much I won’t do for a corned beef hash breakfast special…

    I’ll keep that in mind the next time I decide to cook some up 😉

  2. I could never do the slug thing – granted nothing bad has ever happened – I trust no one. Plus I don’t like people so.

    I’m with ya. I’m cranky in the morning, so I definitely wouldn’t want some random person in the car with me… well, unless she was super hot and wearing a mini-skirt. I’d be ok with that….. as long as she kept her damn mouth shut 😉 haha

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