I am to scary as the Smurfs are to porn.
The Smurfs are kid friendly and aren’t sexy at all, except to a small freakish segment of society who get off imagining Papa Smurf and Handy Smurf double teaming Smurfette.
To most of the known universe, I’m just about as unscary as possible. In fact, when I try to even look mean or scary – people laugh. In many ways, I’m the anti-bad boy. That’s not to say I’m boring…. far from it. I just look very innocent.
I’m ok with this though, because I have a secret.
I’m good at looking freakish.
When it comes to Halloween, I’m a bit of a traditionalist. I don’t mean traditionalist in the Charlie Brown-sheet-over-head-stupid-ghost kind of way….. I like creativity.
You see, I’m tired of the mega-halloween stores that sell costumes in a bag. It’s pointless and completely non-creative. I think it defeats the purpose of Halloween.
When I was a kid, I always built my costumes from the bottom up. Being that I had veritably no artistic ability whatsoever, I had to really work hard at it.
When I was about 8, I remember finding a huge box in the basement and deciding that I was going to be a robot. So I decorated the whole box with black construction paper, some shiny material I found, and any sort of bobble or electronicy looking thing I could find in the basement. I cut holes in the sides for my arms, and on the top for my head. I even made a fairly intricate helmet.
I’m pretty sure I thought I was going to look like this:
I was going to have the coolest costume EVER…..until I discovered 1 major problem:
My arms weren’t long enough to fit out the sides.
Being that I was 8 years old, I hadn’t had the forethought to measure the box to see if it was too big for me.
It was devastating.
Why? Because if I couldn’t get my arms out the side holes, I wouldn’t be able to collect any halloween candy.
I went crying to my dad, who was the only person qualified to address such a global crisis.
So after some ingenious use of duct tape, my jack-o-lantern bucket was attached to the front of the box, and my arm holes became vents.
Well… right up until I realized that, since I didn’t have any arm holes, I had no way to keep my candy safe from the other kids….
Just imagine seeing an oversized silver box, with a bucket duct-taped to the front, sprinting down the street with a bunch of midget GI Joes chasing after it.
Yeah, that was me.
But I digress…
So, now that I’m all grown up, what do you get when you combine To Blog Or and a holiday that involves dressing up?
Usually a restraining order and a ticket for public indecency.
I’m that good.
So, all you out-of-the-bag Sexy Ms Muffets and Capt Jack Sparrows out there…. watch out….. because I’m bringing it tonight.
I am going to be a true Halloweener….. not a hollow weiner.