Hollow Weiners

I am to scary as the Smurfs are to porn. 

The Smurfs are kid friendly and aren’t sexy at all, except to a small freakish segment of society who get off imagining Papa Smurf and Handy Smurf double teaming Smurfette.

 Hollow Weiners

To most of the known universe, I’m just about as unscary as possible.  In fact, when I try to even look mean or scary – people laugh.  In many ways, I’m the anti-bad boy.  That’s not to say I’m boring…. far from it.  I just look very innocent. 

I’m ok with this though, because I have a secret. 

I’m good at looking freakish. 

—————————————————

When it comes to Halloween, I’m a bit of a traditionalist.  I don’t mean traditionalist in the Charlie Brown-sheet-over-head-stupid-ghost kind of way….. I like creativity.

You see, I’m tired of the mega-halloween stores that sell costumes in a bag.  It’s pointless and completely non-creative.  I think it defeats the purpose of Halloween. 

When I was a kid, I always built my costumes from the bottom up.  Being that I had veritably no artistic ability whatsoever, I had to really work hard at it. 

When I was about 8, I remember finding a huge box in the basement and deciding that I was going to be a robot.  So I decorated the whole box with black construction paper, some shiny material I found, and any sort of bobble or electronicy looking thing I could find in the basement.  I cut holes in the sides for my arms, and on the top for my head.  I even made a fairly intricate helmet.

I’m pretty sure I thought I was going to look like this:

 

 

I was going to have the coolest costume EVER…..until I discovered 1 major problem:

My arms weren’t long enough to fit out the sides. 

Not me, but most likely what I looked like

Not me, but most likely what I looked like

Being that I was 8 years old, I hadn’t had the forethought to measure the box to see if it was too big for me. 

It was devastating.

Why?  Because if I couldn’t get my arms out the side holes, I wouldn’t be able to collect any halloween candy.

FUCK!

I went crying to my dad, who was the only person qualified to address such a global crisis.

So after some ingenious use of duct tape, my jack-o-lantern bucket was attached to the front of the box, and my arm holes became vents.

Problem solved! 

Well… right up until I realized that, since I didn’t have any arm holes, I had no way to keep my candy safe from the other kids…. 

Just imagine seeing an oversized silver box, with a bucket duct-taped to the front, sprinting down the street with a bunch of midget GI Joes chasing after it. 

Yeah, that was me.

But I digress…

So, now that I’m all grown up, what do you get when you combine To Blog Or and a holiday that involves dressing up? 

Usually a restraining order and a ticket for public indecency.

I’m that good. 

So, all you out-of-the-bag Sexy Ms Muffets and Capt Jack Sparrows out there…. watch out….. because I’m bringing it tonight.

I am going to be a true Halloweener….. not a hollow weiner.

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5 responses to “Hollow Weiners

  1. I’ll have you know that I’m not an out of the bag hag. I ordered mine off of Ebay. So there.

    And mine shows boob. I win.

    Ebay is definitely better than going to one of those stores. It involves actual effort…
    And yes – boobs win over most things. The more boob shown, the more you win!

  2. I tried to be sexy for Halloween and it lasted until one of the kids threw up orange rice krispy treats on my shirt.

    Nothing says un-sexy like a kiddie puke stain on a costume…. though really, it depends on what your costume is. You could always incorporate it!

  3. I am not clear – what is your costume?

    Of course you aren’t clear – I didn’t say! I’ll post pictures 😉

  4. “Just imagine seeing an oversized silver box, with a bucket duct-taped to the front, sprinting down the street with a bunch of midget GI Joes chasing after it.”

    That is perhaps the saddest thing I’ve ever imagined. Now I will cry.

    Awww there there Ms Cochran! Don’t fret – luckily I was fast and could outrun them. haha Though I couldn’t knock on my door to get in… so I had to run, head first, into the door several times before my mom heard me and opened up.

  5. Too funny! So how did you solve the problem of the robot costume? Did you wear something else?

    Nope.. I wore the costume, hoped the neighbors put good candy in my bucket, and ran away from anyone trying to steal my candy. haha If I had to do it again, I would have put a hole in the front of the robot, and carried a super soaker around for defensive purposes!

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