Making out is like interviewing – if you do well, you have a good chance of getting the job of servicing me. In my post yesterday, I listed the top 12 places in DC to make out. I created the post to help all of you people out there who like to be romantic, and want some new ideas.
Today’s post is for the stupid people. This post is for people who like to read the instructions, go step by step, and still fuck everything up. Why do they fuck everything up? Because instructions only tell you WHAT to do….. but leave out WHAT NOT to do. There’s a huge difference between the two.
This post is a public service. A public service for all of you out there who appreciate the art of making out, whether you are stupid or not. I am also offering this as a tax deduction for myself. I figure if I’m going to go out of my way to help the stupid people of the world, I should at least get something out of it right? So, let’s see… 2 hours of time researching locations, 2 hours to write the blog post, 3 hours of binge drinking after having to deal with an obscene amount of stupid people, 6 hours spent bitching to random friends/colleagues/family/voices-in-head about stupid people, and 3 minutes for editing this entry. That works out to 13 hours and 3 minutes – and at $320 an hour (I’m not cheap folks) – that works out to $4,176. Sweet.
Without further ado, the non-categorized and mostly true list of:
The 12 Worst Places To Make Out in DC
K Street – You are a moron to even try making out with someone while standing anywhere near K Street. There are 2 basic outcomes of this action.
- 6:00am – 7:30pm: You will create a massive traffic jam because commuters will slow their vehicles down to 2.3mph in order to crane their neck to get a better view of you making out. The women will do this because they think “you kids” are cute and will be daydreaming about their husband/boyfriend/fuck buddy/boss/gay-best-friend-who-they-still-secretly-have-a-crush-on doing this with them. The men will stare because they are hoping to see boobs.
- 7:31pm – 5:59am: You will be arrested for prostitution, because hookers and johns are the only people who hang out on K street during these hours.
Rock Creek Park – Ahh look at all the pretty leaves. It’s so romantic here with the soft rumble of cars speeding down the R.C. Parkway! Oh c’mon schmoopie bear, let’s go for a quick romp in the woods! Good luck my friends, you remember Chandra Levy? She’s just the tip of the iceberg. Robbery, assault, homicide – it’s the Adams Morgan of DC Parks! So if you want to do it, do it at your own risk!
Metro Escalator – There are morons who stand on the left and jack up the whole system (and no I don’t mean the Democrats). It happens 13 times a minute (that’s a real stat, I swear!). 73% of the people who stand on the left are clinically braindead and illiterate, 17% are Republicans who work to impede progress (Hello Ron Paul!), and 7% don’t know any better but should be shot anyway. That leaves the final 3% – which are made up of people who just can’t fricken keep their hands off of each other, and force the rest of us to risk our lives by standing still on the long and steep ride up to freedom. The last thing we need is for you to lose your balance while humping each other and create a domino effect that would take-out half the hill staff.
McPherson Sq – Unless you want some random homeless guy tapping your shoulder to see if he can join in, I would recommend away from this area
On the Mall – The Mall is pretty and not nearly as dangerous as Rock Creek Park, so why not? Well with the tourists and their whacky digital cameras all over the place, you’ll most likely have your face plastered all over the internet. And the goose poop? You know how one thing leads to another – and getting goose poop smushed into your date’s hair isn’t likely to get you laid.
Dark Alleys – Getting hot and heavy on the dance floor? As you walk home, don’t take a detour into one of DC’s famous alleys for a quick tussle…. well unless you want rats to be climbing up your date’s leg. We hide all of the filth in this city in our alleys – so get that naughty idea right out of your head now and go find an empty Starbucks bathroom instead.
Anywhere in Adams Morgan – The moment you step outside into the street, your life is at risk. Don’t pause. Don’t reflect. Don’t pass go. GET YOUR ASS HOME AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND GET LAID. You think getting robbed helps the libido? Trust me, it doesn’t. I live there, I know.
Front lawn of the White House – Well, you probably wouldn’t make it there without first getting shot by the snipers on the roof who also enjoy randomly picking off Libertarians protesting in Lafayette Square. Besides, that sort of egregious public display of affection would be violating our strict American morals, and W wouldn’t like that.
The National Aquarium – No, not the really cool one up in Baltimore – the one housed in the basement of the Commerce Building. Didn’t know it was there? Neither does anyone else. So, why is it a bad place to go make out? Well, the employees of the aquarium would be so shocked excited that they actually had visitors, they probably wouldn’t give you a moment alone. As for the fish? You are better off visiting the local pet shop.
Top of Washington Monument – It sounds romantic doesn’t it? Historic location. Beautiful views. Sunset. Screaming kids constantly tugging at your shirt so they can get by and see out the window.
Spy Museum – Find spying sexy? Then wait until you get home and watch the neighbors get it on. It’s a neat little museum, but let the name tip you off – THEY ARE SPYING ON YOU! Don’t live out your exhibitionist fantasies here in front of the innumerable secret video cameras, security, and kiddies.
Iranian Embassy – It’s a fine looking abandoned building in a ritzy area of Mass Ave – so what could be so bad? This is Iran we’re talking about here. You do something like that on their land, and I guarantee that President Ahmadinejad would personally teleport over to kill you in your tracks. If you think I’m kidding, look at the hubbub created when all he did was just kiss his old teacher on the hand.
Thank me now. Thank me later. This concludes my public service announcement for the day – which was definitely something worth blogging about….. or not.