How Crappy Gum Changed My Life

Eating bad food is like getting dead armed. You remember that from junior highschool?  Dead arming is where someone punches you really hard in the arm and it goes all numb for a while.

Through most of my younger school days, I was a scrawny little jew boy with bi-focal coke bottle glasses.

Not me, but pretty darn close

Not me, but pretty darn close

I was bully bait.

This of course means that I was dead armed quite a bit.  Sometimes by bullies, but sometimes by my friends also. Why? I dunno.  Maybe because everyone I went to school with were sadistic bastards it’s fun to pick on a little guy?

This of course means that I’m really really looking forward to attending my 15 yr highschool reunion that’s coming up in November especially since all those bullies are now fat, balding, and unemployed.

But what of the times that my friends did it to me?  Well, usually they were just fooling around and didn’t mean any real harm, but it still usually meant that:

  1. My glasses ended up breaking for the 9000th time
  2. I got a bloody nose
  3. I lost all sensation in an arm
  4. All of the above

They didn’t mean it, but it still sucked. 

Anyway, I digress.  The point I’m trying to make here is that when you have bad food, it sticks with you for a while.  You remember it….. just like I remember all those times that I was dead armed.

I had this experience last week.  One of my coworkers is Turkish, and she likes to bring in Turkish food for us to experience now and again.  One of these things was Turkish gum.  So last week, upon the urging of all my other coworkers, I tried a piece.  The experience I had was similar to the ones where my friends gave me dead arms….



I believe that’s the face I made after I ate it.  It tasted like very well pre-chewed gum.  While it was supposed to be minty flavored, I can definitely say It had absolutely no flavor at all.  The consistency was sort of how I would imagine chewing Silly Putty that’s been left outside for a couple decades might be….   Honestly, it was probably the most awful thing I’ve tasted in a long time.  She didn’t mean to give me this experience (though the co-workers who egged me on? Well, that’s another story…)  Sorry co-worker – I know you like it, but I think I might be scarred for life.

Here’s the thing though – the gum totally redeemed itself.  You see, a Turkish fortune came wrapped around that little piece of satan dung it.

My fortune (as translated by my co-worker):

You are going to get rid of the weight on your shoulders.  There is a love interest in the future, she has a bookstore, and she’s 1 or 2 years older than you.

Talk about specific!  Wow!  Turkish crap-gum fortunes totally kick the ass of chinese take-out fortune cookies! 

 So, if you happen to read my blog, own a bookstore (or even just work in one), and happen to be in the 34-35 age range…. please contact me immediately! Apparently it was meant to be.

And that’s something worth blogging about…… or not.

**EDIT** Shortly after I received my fortune – an old friend emailed me out of the blue.  In his email, he mentioned a girl he wanted to set me up with.  My response back was – “Does she own a bookstore?  If so, I’m interested!”  Unfortunately, it turns out that she’s just some sort of “lawyer” – whatever that is.


8 responses to “How Crappy Gum Changed My Life

  1. or maybe the fortune was only vaguely accurate and you’re just going to rent You’ve Got Mail this weekend

    Hmmm good point…. I think I’m going to edit the post now

  2. Maybe she’s a lawyer with a decent personal library, though. (In this case, take “decent” to mean “fewer than four John Grisham novels.”)

    Great point – I bet you could definitely translate into that. And I agree, and I’d add she can’t have any Michael Crichton novels, post 1990.

  3. why don’t people email me about lawyers they want to set me up with?

    Because there are no good single men in this city. If you’d be willing to play for the other team, then I can probably hook you up with lots of hottie female lawyers 😉

  4. Im 35 but no book store, I do however own a lot of damn books hahaha

    Oooh lah lah. If you decide to open up your home library to the public, let me know! 😉

  5. Lawyers make money. Money makes you happy.

    Case closed.

    Yes. Excellent arguement for becoming a lawyer. Dating a lawyer? That might be another story. I’ll take it up with my turkish fortune teller….

  6. Maybe she can’t talk books but she can tort it up.

    Amazing how specific that fortune was! Definitely a keeper.

    Mmmmm torte’s are yummy. I didn’t know lawyers could cook! 😉 haha

  7. This made me laugh.

    When I was in highschool a girl I knew was from Turkey. She brought some gum to school, asked me to try it. I decided why not, it’s gum right? WRONG!

    Oh god, so wrong.

    I still think about it to this day. It was indeed tasteless and you described it best as “Pre-chewed.” or similar to Silly Putty.

    Everyone reading this… please save yourself the horror…



    If you’re still interested and aren’t as ‘lucky’ as we were to know a Turkish person who can supply you with this disgusting rancid excuse for a chewy treat just take a dime-sized piece of silly putty and start chewing on it.

    (Blogger, you were right. It does taste like silly putty. I know this from experience and pure curiosity- Sadly, I think the silly putty tastes better!)

  8. P.S. You posted this on my birthday (Even if it was two years ago.)

    My mind was blown yet again.

    I wish I owned a book store and were 10 years older! I feel tingly inside.

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