Tango Lessons: A Man Review

I looked like I was dressed to be on “Dancing With the Stars,” the ambiguously gay edition.

A bright red shirt with some chest hair popping out, tight black slacks, and black italian slip-on shoes.

Yes, a german Jew trying to look Argentinean is an act I just don’t think I can pull off.

I guess I was supposed to look like this:

But instead, I think I was a bit more reminiscent of this:

I had no one else to blame other than myself.

Eons ago I told my girlfriend (GF) I would take dancing lessons with her, and apparently she remembered. (Damn you woman and your brain like device!)

So, here I am, walking around the Adams Morgan/Dupont area looking like I stepped right out of the movie Birdcage, knowing that there was a 90% chance I was going to have my “man” card revoked.

GF told me I looked hot. This is also the same girl who thinks I look hot when the only thing I’m wearing is a pair of tube socks, so she’s either biased, or needs to get her eyes checked out. Either way, I was screwed.

Screwed because I was about to head into a private argentinean tango class, and GF is going to break up with me when she discovers that I dance like Urkel.

The moment we walk into the “studio” (aka some dude’s apartment with all the furniture pushed to the walls) – I start sweating…… profusely. I try to look calm.

“Oh honey, you look a little warm. Are you ok?”

NO I AM NOT OK, WOMAN! I AM ABOUT TO BE BANNED FROM EVERY SPORTS BAR AND HOOTERS NATIONWIDE.

After this, the grocery store will probably only allow me to buy wine coolers, bars will only serve me strawberry daiquiris, and tomorrow morning I’m going to wake up with a “Dear John” letter from my testicles.

Fuck.

Before we begin, the instructor takes one look at me and says, “Do you need a drink?”

Hmmm this guy doesn’t seem so bad….

So, after we all do a shot, the lesson begins. Our first task involves GF and I walking around the room to music. It’s kinda like musical chairs, only without the chairs part.

This isn’t too bad, I can handle walking

After doing this stuff for a while, we learn about how to hold each other. I got into a bit of trouble though, as apparently it is not proper tango form to keep grabbing GF’s ass.

Rockstep, step step stop step bang ouch step step rockstep stop bang ouch step step FUCK step step bang step Let-GO-of-my-ASS slap step step *end of song*

So, since I’m handling this stuff without causing any major organ damage, the instructor gets all advanced on our asses. He goes into all sorts of things like side stepping, crossovers, and banana hammocks. Or was that grapevines?

The next little while is a blur, the only things I remember are having a teddy bear shoved under my armpit, and standing in front of the mirror with the instructor showing me how to “keep straight.”

Yeah, sorry buddy, I’m having a little problem feeling “straight” at the moment.

As it turns out, it wasn’t all that bad – here’s how I define the Tango: A dance where the guy basically stands around a looks cool, while the girl does all the work.

Apparently God was smiling down on me when I blindly chose Tango…. if I had said something like Salsa or Merengue (isn’t that some sort of pie??) I would have been severely fucked.

The next day, in an email to GF, the instructor wrote that we were one of those “rare talented couples.”

Talented? I dunno about that, I just think he was excited that we signed up for the 10 week private lesson package.

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12 responses to “Tango Lessons: A Man Review

  1. as long as you keep dancing with GF and not with the teddy bear, you should be cool…

    Yeah, but the Teddy bear doesn’t try to lead πŸ˜‰

  2. There is nothing wrong with looking like the Scissor Sisters. If I were a gay man, I would totally sleep with Jake shears…wait, I don’t think you want that look. Sorry…

    Really? So, if he decided he was bi, you wouldn’t hit that? Hmmmm

  3. “Rockstep, step step stop step bang ouch step step rockstep stop bang ouch step step FUCK step step bang step Let-GO-of-my-ASS slap step step *end of song*”

    Ha, ha, ha, ha,ha!!!

    My favorite part.

    And it’s only just begun…. I’m sure as we get more advanced there is going to be a: step step accidental-kick-to-groin step collapse fetal-position sometime in the near future

  4. I’m of the firm belief that men should only dance with women at weddings and the occasional office Christmas party – and only for the slow numbers.

    Seriously! Though there are times when I’m dancing to a slow number, and an old couple is near us putting us to shame with all their moves. This is the entire basis for me taking any lessons at all. Down with old-people with dance moves! πŸ˜‰

  5. awwwwww you are such a good boyfriend

    I am! She should pay me better πŸ˜‰

  6. What is the point of Tango if you can’t occasionally grab the GF’s ass?!? I mean you two weren’t grinding or anything.

    That’s what I’m sayin’! I didn’t try to hump her leg or anything, so what’s wrong with a harmless ass grab here or there. I might need to get a 2nd opinion on this from another Tango instructor…

  7. Best. Tango. Lesson. Recap. Story. Ever. Seriously, I’m crying over heah.

    Glad you enjoyed reading all about the pain I endured. 10 more recaps to go πŸ˜‰

  8. oh I updated my mystery post with clues lol

    Ooooh lah lah! I’m there! Actually, I didn’t even pause to respond – I just went right over there to look. Your blog is like a peep show today πŸ˜‰

  9. I think we need a photo of the said tight black slacks.

    It’ll take a lot more than a blog comment to get me to publically post a shot of me in those pants πŸ˜‰ I already got enough cat-calls when I was walkin through Dupont circle!

  10. This was straight hilarious! You were a good sport, but I was cracking up at :

    β€œRockstep, step step stop step bang ouch step step rockstep stop bang ouch step step FUCK step step bang step Let-GO-of-my-ASS slap step step *end of song*”

    Too funny!

    Ah the things us boyfriends do for the ladies….

  11. masterworkoutplan

    Toooooo funny man! This gave me a great laugh after my long day πŸ™‚

    Glad I could brighten your day…. I’m still in hiding (ala salmon rushdie) hoping the man-authorities don’t find me to revoke my card

  12. What’s up, is it rite to simply study from books not to visit web for most recent updates Tango Lessons: A Man Review | To Blog Or….. , what you say friends?

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