Have you ever seen something that’s just so stupid, you wonder if it’s a joke?
I’m starting a non-daily blog item with the aim of bringing these things to light. Why? Because I hate stupid people and stupid things, and I really enjoy venting about them.
So, here is our first Bullshit of the Day entry, where a company actually paid millions of dollars to advertise its stupidity.
So, there are a lot of trendy issues out there. You know what I mean, you have Darfur, Cancer research (think LiveStrong), Global Warming, AIDS, and SBS (also known as “Squished Balls Syndrome” which is brought about by the overabundance of men who wear tighty whities. Seriously man, free up your boys, they’ll be happier that way).
(Yes, that’s Saddam Hussein in tighty whities)
There’s nothing wrong with an issue being trendy – it gets more press that way, and hopefully it helps promote action. It’s when companies start using these issues as marketing tools that we start getting into trouble.
One of these issues right now is the Eco-Friendly/Going Green thing.
You have Green Companies, Green Cars, Green Vacations, Green Appliances, Green Dating Services, Green Poop Disposal Units, Green Sex Toy Manufacturers, Green Lobbying Firms Who Promote the Use of Hunter Green in Pro-Green Advertisements, and so on and so forth.
But this takes the cake.
While I was standing in line to check out at the grocery store. I picked up a copy of the Washingonian Magazine….. and on the back cover, the trendy Bethesda furniture boutique Maurice Villency was advertising this:
What. The. Fuck.
I didn’t realize my current furniture was polluting the environment. In fact, I generally thought that the environment of my shit-hole bachelor pad was doing more to pollute my furniture, than the other way around.
Apparently I was wrong.
Maurice Villency’s Pure Collection has shown me the light. It represents the “confluence of European Design and production principles coupled with an American production sensibility, where the welfare of our workforce and our environment come first.”
I’m not sure how ANY of this makes it eco-friendly…. but apparently American’s have sensibility in regards to production. This is news to me as I swear I heard something recently about how American companies are shipping production overseas because its more uhhh sensible?
They continue: It represents a “unique commitment to a domestic labor force” and by having their production facility in North Carolina, “are better able to monitor the impact on our environment, and the treatment of our employees.”
Unique commitment? Last time I checked, dipshit, most of our high-end furniture companies have production facilities in North Carolina. Better monitoring of your employees? What? Do we run sweatshops down in North Carolina or something? Child labor? Thank God you are keeping an eye on those union workers, wouldn’t want them working too hard!
Ok, so let’s just cut to the chase.
What really is eco-friendly furniture? Who the fuck really knows. At Maurice Villency, it means the furniture is upholstered in “fine bamboo and hemp fabric” and uses “unique Spring Soy Cushions”
Here’s the kicker – you wanna know what all this soy and bamboo and eco-friendly products bring you at Maurice Villency? A couch whose price listed as “$XX,XXX”
What is this? The Price is Right??
So I have to guess the numbers? Well, we know it’s someplace between $10,000 and $99,999.
Seriously – if I’m paying at least $10,000 for a couch, that thing better be providing me oral pleasure each and every evening, cooking dinner, making sure my toothbrush cap is twisted on tightly, and puts the God-damn toilet seat down when its done.
Apparently Maurice Villency isn’t alone in this madness….
Here are some other fine examples of eco-friendly furniture I found on the internet….
Doesn’t this look comfy? It’s a seat AND a cork board for all your important announcements!
Look! It’s an oversized birds nest made of crumpled up shit that someone recycled from a dumpster, smushed together, and bleached. Thankfully it has a window in it, so you can see if anyone is trying to sneak up to beat the shit out of you for buying such a piece of crap.
It’s a grocery cart. It’s a chair. It’s a grocery cart. It’s a chair. For $XXX, I can go to my local grocery store, steal a cart, and throw a pillow or 2 in it. What makes this eco-friendly? What makes this even comfortable??
This one is made completely of drinking straws! It’s great at cocktail parties and spitball shooting contests.
You know what? Just because we recycle something, doesn’t make it eco-friendly. Where do you think this stuff is going after we’re done making fun of you for owning it?
And that is something worth blogging about……. or not.