Tag Archives: Sex

London Sex, I think

Faster, faster! I willed the train, thinking only of the crispy beef dripping clad Adonis that would soon be mine. 

The touch of my tender lips on its succulent golden flesh racing through my mind, bringing me closer to chip ecstasy with every turn of the wheels. 

Come on! Faster! I demanded breathlessly.

This was an advertisement that I saw today in the tube in London.  What was it advertising?:

Potato Chips.

But not JUST potato chips, McCain’s Potato Chips.  No, not that McCain.

And if this is how the Brits like to describe their potato chips, you can see why they kicked the Puritans out of the country.

London Sex, I think

12 Guaranteed Rules for a Great Date

I give good date. 

Call me arrogant, call me conceited, call me Slappy the Half-Brained Clown.

 12 Guaranteed Rules to Great Dating

I call it confidence.  I’ve never been turned down for a 2nd date, and in general I’ve never had trouble meeting women who were interested in dating me.

Wanna know why?

It has nothing to do with having game, being stunningly good looking, or having a huge reproductive organ. (I’m not confirming or denying the existence of any of those things!)

There are 2 reasons for this:

  1. I am extremely picky with the women I go out with
  2. I pay attention

It’s really just that simple.

But ToBlogOr – if it was really that simple, why doesn’t everyone do it?

Good question. You wanna know why? Because we’re too self absorbed.

I’m a recovering only child, but a long time ago I started to understand the power of paying attention. Remembering little things started to get me places. It helped me succeed in my career. I had problems dating though. The moment I started applying the same principles to dating, all of a sudden I was an extremely caring guy that all the women wanted.

What??? Really?

Yep.

My plan for today was to provide a list of the 12 Guaranteed Rules to Great Dating – but you know what? There are really a lot more than 12, and they are really more like guidelines. The majority of these apply to both men and women equally, and I’ll include a couple of extra at the end for men and women

So let’s go!

The 12+ Guaranteed Rules of a Great Date

 

Don’t be a bore, make your date soar!

The more interactive your date is, the better. Something that involves laughter is always important. Guys – chicks dig guys that make them laugh. If you aren’t funny, do something that involves laughter.  Suck up your pride and try something you haven’t done before, it’s ok to laugh at yourself.  I went on an ice skating date once and fell on my ass so many times that I think it’s now permanently flat.  You know what though?  The girl thought it was really endearing.  We couldn’t stop laughing.

Don’t be a pretentious prick

Dating is not about being impressive. Dating is about being YOU. Have enough confidence in yourself to BE yourself. If you are having some self confidence issues, then just be glad you aren’t this guy:

12 Guaranteed Rules To a Great Date

Dress to impress

When I said to not be pretentious, I didn’t mean don’t look good. I’m a big fan of over-dressing slightly.  No full tuxedo for a fast-food run.  If you aren’t sure if you should wear jeans or slacks — go with slacks. If you aren’t sure if slacks or a suit. Go with a suit. My one corollary: If you aren’t sure if you should go with tighty whities or commando — definitely go commando.

Pretend you are Obama

Now, with your huge pretend ears…. LISTEN TO YOUR GODDAMN DATE!  Don’t just hear him/her talk – ask questions.  Engaging questions.  Open ended questions.  If you don’t care what they have to say…. PRETEND. 

Dating Hint: After your date, write down some of the things you talked about and review them before you talk to your date the next time.  As an example, take a note about their brother’s impending graduation…. and then ask them about it next time.  I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if you care about their brother, but it shows that you listened!  Trust me, this one never fails.

Everyone hates a mime

I hate it when my date only gives me 1 or 2 word answers to my questions.  It makes it sound like they either 1: don’t like me or 2: are stupid.  You goal is to be talking 45% of the date.  You want your date to be talking just a bit more than you, and if things start to get off kilter, right the ship! 

 
12 Guaranteed Rules To a Great Date
 

Buy a fricken watch

Be on time, wouldja?  If you aren’t going to be on time, let your date know.  Ok?  I HATE waiting for people, because I hate being late.  I like to plan.  I know that not everyone is like that, but how well do you really know your date?  Not very – so do us a favor, and be on time.  It shows us that you care.

Surprise surprise surprise!

Ok so I already talked about listening and taking notes – here’s another way to put it to use.  One of my signature moves is to bring a surprise on a 2nd or 3rd date.  Nothing expensive, just a little small thoughtful gesture.  Women almost always appreciate flowers, but I like to take it a step further.  Before our first date, GF and I had a conversation where she  told me about how she loved the song Sexy Back, but didn’t have the CD.  I hadn’t even heard the song, but I went out to a store, bought the CD, and then surprised her with it on our way to dinner.  Trust me, this stuff works.

Don’t do the friend pat

Touch a woman like she’s a woman, not your buddy.  Don’t pat them on the back or shoulder like a friend would do.  This is called the “friend pat.”  This is highly offensive to women, so don’t do it.  There are a good number of good ways to do it.  Women?  Touching a man is always sexy, just understand that if you start touching us a lot, we think we’re gonna get some. 

 

 

Dating Tip:  Men – if you aren’t sure what to do at the end of the night, give her a kiss on the cheek.  You can’t go wrong with this, women think it’s cute…. just make sure you aim appropriately.  If you give her an obvious sign that you are going in for just the cheek, she won’t flinch.  If she wants more, she’ll turn her head.

Friend Pat!

Warning: Friend Pat!

 

 

Thank you Jesus!

If someone took you on a great date – is it too much ask you to write a quick thank you note?  In fact, even if you TOOK someone on a great date, it’s ok to send them a thank you note too!  People love appreciation.

Hey, nice ass!

People love to be complimented, women especially.  If you think they look nice, tell them… and be specific.  Just remember, that you need to compliment them not the item of clothing.  I’ll give you a couple examples:

Bad: Wow, that’s a great dress!

Good: Wow, you look great in that dress! 

Bad: I really love your earrings.

Worse: Those earrings really go great with your dress! (No straight man says something like that)

Good:  Wow, you look great – I love your earrings!

Bad: Those jeans make your ass look great.

Good: You have a great ass.

Clean your car, get gas, etc

Dates should never include chores.  Chores are what you do in your free time.  Be prepared: if you are driving, clean your car out ahead of time, get gas, and know exactly where you are going.  Women: the last thing I want to do when I’m on a date is go to CVS with her to buy tampons.  So do yourself a favor, and plan ahead.

Don’t play the 1 up game

This is a game only assholes play.  Be impressed with your date, they like to feel like they are number 1.  All 1 upping does is makes them feel like they aren’t good enough.  If you make it farther than this date, you’ll have time to tell your story eventually.  In the meantime, be more into them than into yourself.

Don’t be a douchebag

Sarcasm sucks.  Period.  Keep it out of your first dates.  No one wins when you are sarcastic.  It’s offensive, it isn’t funny, it doesn’t belong in dating.  You don’t know them that well, they don’t know you that well…. and trust me, it won’t get you anywhere.  Just don’t be a douche bag ok?

 12 Guaranteed Rules to a Great Date

Ok, so I’ve now provided you with all the rules that guarantee you will have a great date (assuming your date isn’t like the guy above).

Post Date Tip

Your date is not Ellis Island

Don’t be needy and desperate.  You are dating, you aren’t married.  Be cool.  Be relaxed.  If you seem desperate and needy, people won’t like dating you.  This means sucking it up and not over-communicating.  If you haven’t gotten a response back from your text earlier…  Suck it up.  Your date has a life of their own.  If you haven’t heard back, wait at least 24 hours and then follow up.  If you still don’t get a response, you are only allocated 1 last call…. so use it wisely.  Anything more than that is an annoyance.  If they like you, they’ll get back to you eventually…. if not? No loss – move on! 

Are we done yet?

No! Because we have to cover both sides of the issue.

How to get out of a bad date

If you are on a bad date, and want to know how to get out – go here. The website also includes helpful tips for situations such as: “How to Survive If You Wake Up Next to Someone Whose Name You Don’t Remember” and “How to Determine If Your Date Is an Axe Murderer”

I’ll be reporting live from London tomorrow – so stay tuned for some Greenwich Mean Time Dating Tips!

12 Reasons I Won’t Date You

Dating is like eating chili – when it’s good it’s really good… but when it’s bad, it just gives you the shits.

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, my theme for the week is dating…. and if you’ve had a problem finding a date in this fine city, then pay close attention. I’m here to help.

DC is a great dating town for guys. It’s a buyers market – lots of single women, not as many single men.

I’ve lived in DC for just over a decade and have tried just about every possible way of finding dates. Let’s see, I’ve:

  • Done the online thing
  • Picked up people in bars
  • Met people through friends
  • Met people through co-workers
  • Gave up on those people and dated the co-worker instead
  • Met people on mass-transit
  • Picked up people at arts venues (art galleries, the theater, concerts, finger painting seminars, you name it)
  • [Insert location name, and I guarantee you I’ve picked someone up there. That includes at a funeral home. Bring it.]

I’ve had varying success with all of these avenues, but I’m not here to talk about the validity of any of those places.

Why? Because I’m here to help you. Your crappy dating life will remain exactly the same no matter where you go.

(I’ll pause here for a moment until the guffawing, snorting, and rolling of the eyes dies down)

You see, I’ve realized that the true key to finding a good date isn’t the place….

Wanna know what the key is?

Are you sure you can handle the truth?

(If big-brother didn’t block it, I would have inserted a youtube video of Jack Nicholson screaming, “You can’t handle the truth!” So do me a small favor and just imagine it for me, wouldja? Thanks)

Ok, I’ll give you a hint.

Take a look in the mirror....

Take a look in the mirror....

It’s really all about YOU.

Yes you. So stop fucking up your dating life, would you?

Oh, now don’t try to pretend that I don’t know what I’m talking about, or that I don’t know your situation. Pull your huge fucking head out of your tight little ass and get with the game. There’s only one common denominator in your consistently crappy dating life, and that’s you.

What was that you said? Your dating life isn’t consistently crappy? Just intermitantly crappy? Well then, since you are so high and mighty why don’t you take a big swig of some shut-the-hell-up too.

We all get lucky sometimes.

I’ve been where you are. I truly have been, and then one day I woke up and it just came to me. It might have been God speaking to me, or it might have been the narcotics – either way, I should still be institutionalized I have the answer.

You see, it’s not about the place you meet people, it’s really all about the criteria you use to decide whether or not they are worth trying to date.

Ok, I’ll wait while you bitch at me about how you have standards and blah blah blah and this that and the other and nice asses and big arms and taller than 5’8 and bullshit bullshit BULLSHIT!

It’s all crap. Why? Because you don’t really have the same standards that you thought you had.

How do I know? Because I’ve been where you are. I thought I had standards too.

In The Beginning….

I had pretty much 1 rule of dating: No penises.

That worked right up until:

12 Reasons I Won't Date You

You think I’m joking.

The thing is, this kind of thing happens to YOU all the time. It just isn’t quite as obvious.

So, if you were me and suddenly realized that your date had an un-requested penis, would you just think to yourself: “Well, maybe they’ll change – I mean, it’s not so bad… it’s pretty small and kind of cute. I’ll just ignore it and it’ll go away.”

NO! Of course not! You wanna know what happens when you ignore something like this?

One morning you wake up and realize that your girlfriend has been fucking YOU in the ass is not treating you as nicely as you would like.

Until you finally put 2 and 2 together, you’ve just wondered why your ass has been killing you you haven’t really been happy this whole time.

I’ll say it again. This happens to you ALL THE TIME.

So, what’s the problem?

You can only live by standards and rules that have been defined.

Because you only have a general idea of your standards, you end up dating people who violate all sorts of rules, until one day you wake up with a bloody ass and get the fuck out.

So, do yourself a favor, suck it up, and spend 30 minutes thinking about your standards and rules, and then WRITE THEM DOWN. Once you have your list, promise yourself that you’ll stick to it.

It is ok to modify your list once or twice – but you are not allowed to grandfather people in. That means you can’t date someone and then modify the list. Don’t lower your standards – that’s what got your ass bloody in the first place!

I stuck to my list, and it’s worked out great for me. Yes, it takes discipline – but the formula works.

So, to prove my point, I’m going to share with you my list of the:

12 Reasons Why I Won’t Date You

.

1: The first question you ask is, “So what do you do?”

If this is the first question you ask me, then you have no hope. I won’t date a woman who lacks in the personality department, or a woman who only dates for status. Ask me where I’m from, what books I’m reading, what kind of music I listen to, or how many times a day I pick my nose. I don’t care, as long as it’s not that question. We’ll get around to it eventually.

2: You put the class in classless

If anyone has ever mistaken you in public for being a hooker or stripper, then the closest you are going to get to a date with me is a $20 shoved in your garter. You don’t need to be Princess Di all the time — you just need to know when the proper times are. As a starter – the appropriate place to put your gum is NOT under the table at a 5-Star restaurant.

3: You only wear jeans

I don’t have any problems wearing jeans, but if you aren’t willing to dress up for me, then you have no hope. I prefer the kind of girl who tends to slightly overdress for most situations. Again, I have no problems with jeans, but if we’re going out to brunch with some friends, I like the fact that you take the time to get yourself ready and are the best dressed person in the room.

4: You don’t have an opinion

If I wanted a woman without an opinion, I would buy a Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll. I don’t want you to defer to my every whim unless it involves oral pleasure. I want to hear your thoughts on the world, on politics, on the arts, on ANYTHING. The thing is, if you have an opinion, you better be prepared to defend it. The last thing I need is someone who has an irrational opinion about something and doesn’t know why they have it – and “just because” doesn’t count. I won’t hate you for your opinion, as long as it’s informed and you agree that I’m always right.

5: Your shirts aren’t low cut enough

No, this does not violate the classy rule. Why? Because I’m not going for the slut look…. I just want to see some of your boobs. I like a woman who is comfortable with her body, and knows how to look attractive and sexy. Attractivity (yes, I created that word) for men pretty much starts and ends with boobs. If you are always wearing big poofy sweaters and hiding your feminine form – then you have no chance. Oh, and in case you were wondering, there are professional ways to show off your boobs – if you don’t know what they are, learn them!

6: I can see your underwear

The only times I want to see your underwear are either when they are lying on the floor next to my bed, or when you are walking around my place. I don’t want to see your panty-lines. I don’t want to catch a view when you cross your legs in a meeting. I don’t want to see your thong when you bend over. No no no no! Those things aren’t sexy, they just mean you don’t know how to dress yourself! Not sure how to avoid them? Go here!

7: You’ve never been outside the country

What? You don’t like traveling? Sorry missy, you are out of luck with me then. Why? Because I want someone who is worldy. If you are happy just sticking around here, then you won’t mind if I get in my car and drive the fuck away. I once went on a date with a chick who hadn’t been beyond the borders of DC, MD, and VA in more than 5 years. I believe the date ended within 10 minutes.

8: If I meet you at a bar and you’re drunk

I don’t want to date someone who is a sloppy drunk. Hold your fricken alcohol wouldja?? We all like to get our drink on, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to dance on the bar wearing your undies on your head. I don’t date strippers, and I won’t date you either.


9: You diss McDonalds at 3am

So, let’s say we got to a bar and get our drink on. Let’s just say that afterward you and I have the munchies. Let’s just say that the only place open is McDonalds. 3am might be the only time I’m willing to eat there, but if you turn your nose up at good ole Mickey D’s, then our relationship is going to last about as long as it takes to get a BigMac at the drive-thru.

10: You are a smoker

Ok ok, I’ll give you this – if you smoke, we are allowed to fuck like bunnies have a little fun, but we won’t be dating. I want to be with someone who respects their body, and will be around in 50 or 60 years. My grandmother smoked for 40 years and when I was a kid, she was so sick she could never play with me. I don’t want that for my kids and grandkids.

12 Reasons I Won't Date You

11: You can’t walk in high heels, or only wear flats

It really all comes back to the clothes and being classy. Wear heels that are appropriate for your outfit, and know how to walk in them. Classy women know how to work a good pair of pumps…. oh and anything taller than 4 inches is saved for the bedroom. Don’t like heels? Then you can take your “comfy” flats and walk the hell away from me.

12: You have more stuffed animals than pillows on your bed

I’ve caved on this a little bit – my rule used to be NO stuffed animals, but that was a bit too stringent. I don’t like sharing the bed with things from your childhood. The last thing I want is to be staring at Winnie the Pooh and friends while we’re fucking our brains out when I wake up in the middle of the night. That’s just a bit creepy. Grow up a little and cut the menagerie down.

No no no no!

No no no no!

Extra Credit: You have to pee more than once per hour on a car ride

It’s not a killer, but if you can’t hold it for more than 60 minutes, then we’re going to be in trouble. If you can hold it for 3+ hours…. then you definitely win bonus points!

So, now that you’ve seen my list – go create your own, and live by it.

I guarantee it will improve your dating experiences!

——————————————–
Have some dating questions? Post them here and I’ll address all your dating questions later in the week!

Come back tomorrow for the 12 Best Dates in DC

I’ve Got Sex On the Ears

Before I start, I want to thank DCBlogs for their mention today! Thanks!

Now, on with the show!

——————————————-

So, I have this very nice female coworker (FC) who sits next to me at work. We get along quite well, but it seems that we have a bit of an issue…. we have a breakdown in our communications.

You see, for the 2nd time in 2 weeks FC has said something to me that was definitely not work appropriate. Being the good little politically correct worker bee that I am, I of course gave her a quizzical look, and repeated the question back to her for clarification.

Instance 1:

FC: Hey, do you want a quickie?

Me: Did you just ask me if I wanted a quickie?

FC: No! I asked you if you wanted a cookie.

Me: Oh.

Instance 2:

FC: Are you a prude?

Me: Uhh…… did you just ask me if I’m a prude?

FC: No. I asked you if you were approved. For your PTO.

Me: Oh… uh. Yeah. Thanks. Ha ha. Sorry about that. At least I didn’t ask you if you wanted a quickie this time.

FC: …………….

So, what have I learned out of all of this? I’ve learned to just nod yes whenever FC talks to me and do my best not to act like the complete pervert I am….. well, at least at work.

I've Got Sex On the Ears

12 Worst Places to Make Out in DC

Making out is like interviewing – if you do well, you have a good chance of getting the job of servicing me. In my post yesterday, I listed the top 12 places in DC to make out. I created the post to help all of you people out there who like to be romantic, and want some new ideas.

Today’s post is for the stupid people. This post is for people who like to read the instructions, go step by step, and still fuck everything up. Why do they fuck everything up? Because instructions only tell you WHAT to do….. but leave out WHAT NOT to do. There’s a huge difference between the two.

This post is a public service. A public service for all of you out there who appreciate the art of making out, whether you are stupid or not. I am also offering this as a tax deduction for myself. I figure if I’m going to go out of my way to help the stupid people of the world, I should at least get something out of it right? So, let’s see… 2 hours of time researching locations, 2 hours to write the blog post, 3 hours of binge drinking after having to deal with an obscene amount of stupid people, 6 hours spent bitching to random friends/colleagues/family/voices-in-head about stupid people, and 3 minutes for editing this entry. That works out to 13 hours and 3 minutes – and at $320 an hour (I’m not cheap folks) – that works out to $4,176. Sweet.

Without further ado, the non-categorized and mostly true list of:

The 12 Worst Places To Make Out in DC


K Street – You are a moron to even try making out with someone while standing anywhere near K Street. There are 2 basic outcomes of this action.

  • 6:00am – 7:30pm: You will create a massive traffic jam because commuters will slow their vehicles down to 2.3mph in order to crane their neck to get a better view of you making out. The women will do this because they think “you kids” are cute and will be daydreaming about their husband/boyfriend/fuck buddy/boss/gay-best-friend-who-they-still-secretly-have-a-crush-on doing this with them. The men will stare because they are hoping to see boobs.
  • 7:31pm – 5:59am: You will be arrested for prostitution, because hookers and johns are the only people who hang out on K street during these hours.

12 Worst Places to Make Out in DC

Rock Creek ParkAhh look at all the pretty leaves. It’s so romantic here with the soft rumble of cars speeding down the R.C. Parkway! Oh c’mon schmoopie bear, let’s go for a quick romp in the woods! Good luck my friends, you remember Chandra Levy? She’s just the tip of the iceberg. Robbery, assault, homicide – it’s the Adams Morgan of DC Parks! So if you want to do it, do it at your own risk!

Metro Escalator – There are morons who stand on the left and jack up the whole system (and no I don’t mean the Democrats). It happens 13 times a minute (that’s a real stat, I swear!). 73% of the people who stand on the left are clinically braindead and illiterate, 17% are Republicans who work to impede progress (Hello Ron Paul!), and 7% don’t know any better but should be shot anyway. That leaves the final 3% – which are made up of people who just can’t fricken keep their hands off of each other, and force the rest of us to risk our lives by standing still on the long and steep ride up to freedom. The last thing we need is for you to lose your balance while humping each other and create a domino effect that would take-out half the hill staff.

12 Worst Places to Make Out in DC

McPherson Sq – Unless you want some random homeless guy tapping your shoulder to see if he can join in, I would recommend away from this area

On the Mall – The Mall is pretty and not nearly as dangerous as Rock Creek Park, so why not? Well with the tourists and their whacky digital cameras all over the place, you’ll most likely have your face plastered all over the internet. And the goose poop? You know how one thing leads to another – and getting goose poop smushed into your date’s hair isn’t likely to get you laid.

12 Worst Places to Make Out in DC

Dark Alleys – Getting hot and heavy on the dance floor? As you walk home, don’t take a detour into one of DC’s famous alleys for a quick tussle…. well unless you want rats to be climbing up your date’s leg. We hide all of the filth in this city in our alleys - so get that naughty idea right out of your head now and go find an empty Starbucks bathroom instead.

Anywhere in Adams Morgan – The moment you step outside into the street, your life is at risk. Don’t pause. Don’t reflect. Don’t pass go. GET YOUR ASS HOME AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND GET LAID. You think getting robbed helps the libido? Trust me, it doesn’t. I live there, I know.

Front lawn of the White House – Well, you probably wouldn’t make it there without first getting shot by the snipers on the roof who also enjoy randomly picking off Libertarians protesting in Lafayette Square. Besides, that sort of egregious public display of affection would be violating our strict American morals, and W wouldn’t like that.

The National Aquarium – No, not the really cool one up in Baltimore – the one housed in the basement of the Commerce Building. Didn’t know it was there? Neither does anyone else. So, why is it a bad place to go make out? Well, the employees of the aquarium would be so shocked excited that they actually had visitors, they probably wouldn’t give you a moment alone. As for the fish? You are better off visiting the local pet shop.

Top of Washington Monument – It sounds romantic doesn’t it? Historic location. Beautiful views. Sunset. Screaming kids constantly tugging at your shirt so they can get by and see out the window.

Spy Museum – Find spying sexy? Then wait until you get home and watch the neighbors get it on. It’s a neat little museum, but let the name tip you off – THEY ARE SPYING ON YOU! Don’t live out your exhibitionist fantasies here in front of the innumerable secret video cameras, security, and kiddies.

Iranian Embassy – It’s a fine looking abandoned building in a ritzy area of Mass Ave – so what could be so bad? This is Iran we’re talking about here. You do something like that on their land, and I guarantee that President Ahmadinejad would personally teleport over to kill you in your tracks. If you think I’m kidding, look at the hubbub created when all he did was just kiss his old teacher on the hand.

12 Worst Places to Make Out in DC

Thank me now. Thank me later. This concludes my public service announcement for the day – which was definitely something worth blogging about….. or not.

Orgasms and Arrests

Take 2 tablespoons of sex and mix with a big heaping cup of police activity, and you know what you get?  My evening yesterday!

So, I was on my couch watching the Phillies game last night when GF decided to come over after a happy hour. It was about the 3rd or 4th inning and the game was pretty slow.

Watching baseball on TV is definitely not one of GF’s favorite pastimes.  As she might have been a bit bored and feeling a little frisky after an unconfirmed number of alcoholic beverages at happy hour, she kept herself interested by trying her best to “distract” me.

One thing led to another, the TV was shut off, and we engaged in uhhh… errr… a competitive game of Scrabble. Yeah, that’s it!

Back and forth we go, consonants and vowels flying all over the place. 

Then out of the blue, right outside my window we hear:

“PUT YOUR HANDS UP! GET ON THE GROUND! NOW! MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!”

I live in the Adams Morgan area, and if you haven’t heard – there’s been a pretty hefty increase in the crime in our area recently.

So, when we hear all this screaming and banging, we’re not sure if someone is getting mugged, or someone is getting arrested. GF and I look at each other.  We’re conflicted.

What do we do? Look out the window and make sure everyone is safe or finish? The game was close.  We had put so much effort in….. So, we did what any other good DC residents would do in this situation:

We said, fuck it – robbery be damned, we’re finishing!

I wasn’t an english major, but when it comes to Scrabble I am definitely cunning with my linguistic skills.

Faster and faster we made our moves…

Double word score! 

Triple letter score! 

Points pile up faster than we can keep score. 

The intensity of the game matched only by the sirens, yelling, and intense police activity right outside my window.

I pull the last tile out of the bag….. a G!  Only 2 points?  Damnit….. this is going to be close.

Folks, here’s the thing about Scrabble.  A true master knows that winning isn’t about the tiles you pull… it’s how you play them.

I had her right where I wanted her.  Down 23 points with only my turn left to play.

My move was as quick as it was stunning.  I play the G.

BAM!

TRIPLE WORD SCORE.  Take that!  24 points!  I win!

GF screams.

Perhaps it was in disbelief.  Perhaps it was the shock.  Perhaps it was just a release from the intesity of the game.

Either way, I did what any other self-serving boyfriend would do in that situation.

I covered her mouth.

The last thing we needed was someone else getting arrested.

 

Orgasms and Arrests

Sexy, Single, and Celibate? Bring it.

Welcome to blog wars – sex and dating edition.

On Sexy, Single, and Celibate’s blog, I made the comment yesterday that dating sucks. 

Her response on her blog entry today is:

“No, no, it doesn’t.  Dating leads to sex.  Sex is good.  I need the wildly hot and sexy To Blog Or him to revise his statement.  Dating doesn’t suck.  Online dating sucks.

She wants me to revise my statement?

Well….. I was going to leave her a long and involved comment on her entry, but my shitty-ass work computer is all fucked up and for some reason won’t let me.   So here we go….

My response? 

No.

Fucking.

Way.

You see, dating definitely sucks.  Why?  Because to get to the good stuff, you have to weed through all the losers out there. 

I do totally agree with her that sex is good.  In fact its great! You know what else I think is great?  It’s a scary word….. but I still like it:

Relationships.

Dating is the crap you have to put up with in order to get sex and relationships.  Good dating usually leads to a relationship.  Anything less than good dating usually leads to (well, at least for the men) – a couple of expensive dinners that involve boring conversations.  I like food and all, but hell, I’d rather eat by myself than put up with some of the drivel I’ve been forced to listen to.

Oh, and SSC – you are right – online dating is even worse – ugh.  Been there, done that.  Won’t go back. 

I like to think that online dating is a lot like cyber-sex. 

You might have had a little fun here or there , but at the end of the day, all you get for your efforts is a dirty tissue.