12 Steps to Becoming a DC Celebrity

Ever want to be a celebrity?  It’s fun to be famous, and whether you realize it or not, ANYONE can be famous at any time.  It’s really up to you to make it happen.

Becoming a celebrity is all about a process.   I mean, you could go out and work really hard and pick up a serious set of skills (or get some major plastic surgery).  But that isn’t necessary.   Since every celebrity has followed the same process,  it is proven that you don’t need to have any visible talent in order to become one.     Why do all the work, when you don’t need to?

That’s why I came up with my list.  I’m here to help you out.

Just realize something:

You can’t become an international star without first being a national star.

You can’t be a national star, without first being a local star.

But you need to start someplace.

So……are you ready to proceed down the road of fame and notoriety?

Great! Let’s go then!

Step 1: Have your GF convince you to buy tickets to see Cirque du Soleil.

Advice:  You’ll never become famous by keeping your fat ass planted on your couch.  Get out of your apartment and go someplace where people gather.  They’re only in town for another week, so get your ass in gear!

Step 2: Try to convince other friends to come along, but fail miserably when they use such derogatory references as “gay” and “french”

Advice:  In order to succeed, you must first taste some defeat.  By not being able to convince your friends to hang out with you and your GF, you’ll be extra motivated to do what it takes to become famous.  That’ll teach ‘em to diss you!  Plus, no one likes to be called “french.”

Step 3: Purchase tickets online and realize that the price to see the circus has significantly changed since childhood.  The days of $5 tickets are gone.

Advice:  One of the keys to celebrity is spending mass amounts of money.  Why?  Because that’s what celebrities do.  Paying exorbitant prices to see short/fat clowns jaunt around a stage is just the kind of gratuitous expense only a celebrity would make.  It’ll be hard for you to swallow, but it’s a big first step towards attaining your dream.

Step 4: Get caught in massive amounts of traffic on way to “National Harbor”  No, not the Inner Harbor, the NATIONAL Harbor.  Where the fuck is that?  Exactly.

Advice:  In order to reach celebrity status, you have to start by being a big fish in a little pond, so heading to a place that no one knows exists will give you an advantage.  In the DC area, the National Harbor is a perfect spot, since no one goes there.

Step 5: Meet nice group of people at dinner who got confused by Step #4 and actually drove up to Baltimore first.

Advice:  You must meet your potential constituents, and be nice to them.  The dumber the better.  Why dumb?  Well, unless you have some major talent, it’s hard to become a celebrity.  Therefore, you must meet people who are significantly dumber than you, so that they’ll look at you like a star.

Step 6: Surprise GF with front row seats at show.

Advice:  Celebrities always have the best seats.  You want to be seen and that’s hard to do if you are sitting in the nosebleeds.

Step 7:  Have a great laugh with GF when all the clowns keep coming by our seats.  Oh what fun!

Advice:  See, celebrities are always smiling and looking like they are having the time of their life.  Even when freaky ass clowns are harassing you.

Step 8:  Be a random moron.

Advice: This is THE most important step.  By being a random moron, this means that you’ll be chosen to come up on stage during the show and be harassed by the aforementioned clowns.  They don’t pick smart people.  They don’t pre-plan these things.  They ONLY pick random morons from the audience because they are easier more fun to pick on.

Step 9: Endure clown tickling, leg humping, skipping, dancing, and crotch zapping at the amusement of about a thousand of your closest friends.

Advice:  I never said becoming a celebrity was easy.   You don’t even wanna know how many legs were humped in order to get Brittany Spears her first record deal.

Step 10: Exit stage left to much applause and handshaking.

Advice:  Leaving gracefully is key.  You might have been embarrassed, but people only remember the last thing they see.  Yes, you might have had your zipper open on stage, but no one cares.   No on remembers that stuff.  They only remember that you were on stage, and that means you must be special.  A celebrity!  However,  if you trip down the steps on your way out?  1 word: Fucked.

Step 11:  Say things such as ”yep, I was the guy on stage” and “Thanks, glad you thought I was super funny” while walking around the tent during intermission, after the show, and on the shuttle bus back to the parking garage.

Advice:  Acknowledging your own celebrity is a key component of being a celebrity.  If you think you are a nobody, everyone else will think you are a nobody.

Step 12:  Realize that fortune doesn’t necessarily come with fame.

Advice:  Just because people know who you are, doesn’t mean you’ll be rich.  True, you might sign an autograph here or there, but don’t rush right out and purchase that sweet Aston Martin yet.  You see, in order to make money, you actually have to have some sort of skills.  Though, if you play your cards just right, you might get asked to star in an Indonesian Soap Opera, and then you’ll be on your way to international stardom!

————-

So there you have it.  If you follow each and every one of these steps, your success is guaranteed.

Because, as shown by my recent experience one fine evening this week.

Any moron can be famous for a moment.  Even me.

12 Great DC Dates

Dating is like auditioning for American Idol. We all have a great time talking about the disgustingly awful people and the really awesome people. What never gets talked about are the really average auditioners. Those thousands upon thousands of those people who try out and just aren’t quite good enough. The thing is, the judges spend the bulk of their time weeding these people out.

That’s how we date. We waste our time going out with average people. Initially, they aren’t bad enough to cut out quickly, so we give them a chance. We go on 2 or 3 or 4 dates with them until we start seeing their true colors. Such as when you realize they host full reenactments of the “Clone Wars” in their apartment.

What is dating?

Wikipedia defines dating as: any social activity undertaken by, typically, two people with the aim of each assessing the other’s sexy parts suitability as their partner in an friends with benefits intimate relationship or as a highly bitter ex who will continually stalk you spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity (i.e. oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse). Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal (because, in some way, we all pay for sex).

I define dating as: A big fat cluster fuck that usually ends as an epic fail/with someone getting a restraining order/with someone getting an eye poked out because you ran with scissors poorly.

What makes a good date

There are many so-called “good” reasons to go on a date, like getting a free meal, having sexual relations, and an excuse to avoid awkward work functions. The real point of dating is to determine if the person you are going out with has a chance to be a life partner. The faster, the better.

A good date will help you do this. You see, a good date involves doing something that is interactive and promotes communication. Oh, and before you get all excited, telling him to go harder and faster does not count as communication in an interactive setting.

I’m sorry to say it, but this means that making out in the back row movies are out. It means trying to pretend you are classy going to the theater is out. It means that doing anything where you sit around for more than an hour, not talking, is out. If you luck out and make it to the 4th or 5th date – you can start doing these things.

So what’s left to do? Well stop being a douche bag, and get creative.

Yeah, I know. What the hell am I thinking, right? Well… that’s why I’m here to help. I’ve done the legwork for you already, so here is my list of:

12 Great DC Dates

Online Bosom Buddies

He/She has the sexiest profile ever and you’ve been having steamy 2am cybersex for the past week. Ready to see if it translates to real life? Here are a number of places that will help you get to know your Dot-com Don Juan just a little bit better.

Phillips Collection – After 5 – This event, “combines live jazz, gallery talks, superb modern art, and a cash bar for a memorable evening on the first Thursday of every month from 5 to 8:30 pm.” Let’s see…. alcohol, music, and art combined? Leave your Metallica t-shirt at home and get classy on this perfect recipe for a first date. Walk around the gallery and get an idea of your date’s lack of taste in art and music – or just get trashed at the bar.

Melting Pot – You aren’t getting laid on the first date, so there’s no reason to spend $150. So skip the cliché and don’t come for dinner. Instead, show off your suave side and bring your date here for happy hour or dessert. The bar area is intimately low key, romantically lit, and what’s more sexy than good conversation while saber fighting over cheese or chocolate fondue?

Little Fountain Cafe – This is one of my favorite little dinner places in DC. It’s quiet, romantic, has great service, and provides the perfect setting for some good conversation. Since it’s in Adams Morgan, you’ll have plenty of places to go and grab drinks afterward…. well assuming you aren’t dating this guy:

What? You aren’t a psycho murderer? Ok – let’s go out again!

So, he doesn’t have a 3rd arm poking out of his forehead, and you haven’t discovered the secret stash of necrophiliac porn in his freezer yet. For a 2nd date, try one of these places to start weeding out those skeletons.

Millenium Stage – Nothing says classy like the Kennedy Center, and nothing says great 2nd date like “free concert.” I know I said no concerts – but in our shitty economy taking a date to one of the daily free concerts is money in the bank. They only go from 6 – 7pm each night, which leaves you with tons of time to walk around and explore the exhibits at the Kennedy Center. The restaurants on the roof are pretty good, but a bit expensive.

Event at an Embassy – Want to pretend you’re a somebody in this status hungry town? Then take your date to an event at an embassy. Quite a few of the embassies host events, which tend to be pretty cool. Wine tasting, exhibitions, talks, dance lessons, you name it. Wanna go to a Finnish Christmas Bazaar? Find out about events on the individual embassy websites, the Washington Post, or in the Embassy Events magazine, though I’m not sure if they’re still in business.

Eastern Market – Come visit one of the 10 best neighborhoods in America and shop at DC’s oldest continually operated fresh food market. Women love to shop, and the best time to take one is on a 2nd date. Why? Because you aren’t so whipped that they’ll force you to carry their purse while they examine every piece of jewelry and clothing. So go on a weekend when the flea market is in full swing, and then grab a bite to eat at the multitude of restaurants.

DC Dating Insider

So, you wanna impress your date with your insider knowledge? Your date already thinks they already know all the hotspots? Here’s a couple date ideas for you.

Anderson House – Society of the Cincinnati – Are you and your date history buffs? Want to check out an extremely exclusive property in a hot part of town? Come take a free guided tour of the house dedicated to the descendants of the officers in the Revolutionary Army.

The Mansion on O Street – Only slightly less exclusive than the Anderson House, the Mansion on O is only open to the public a couple times during the week, and it’s one of the coolest places in DC. Take your date to their Afternoon Tea on Sunday, and then get lost checking out the 100+ rooms in the maze of secret passageways. Not a recommended date location if you plan on going out with psycho murderers.

Iron Gate Inn Restaurant – One of the least known, yet most romantic restaurants in DC. If you’ve ever walked around the Dupont Circle area, I guarantee you’ve walked right by it and never knew it. The food is only ok, but the atmosphere is perfect. Take your date here in the summer and enjoy the patio, come in the winter and sit by the raging fire.

Take the Relationship Outside the Bedroom

Put your clothes on, and get out of the house for a little jaunt in the great outdoors.

Roosevelt Island – Have a little bit of outdoorsman in you? (Want some? heh heh) Then come to the least visited of the DC Presidential memorials. The Teddy Roosevelt Memorial is located on a DC island only accessible from the GW parkway. The memorial is beautiful, and the island has a number of short hiking paths that will give you great views of the Georgetown waterfront.

National Arboretum – Full Moon Hike – Here’s an event where you have a choice. You can either have a really romantic time, or you can choose to scare the shit out of your date. Depending on the quality of your date, either way it’s a win! Take a 5 mile guided walk through moonlit meadows and other gardeny type things. The walks are wildly popular and book up way in advance. Interested? Then register here

Picnic on the NOT Tidal Basin – Take a picnic basket and blanket and have fun at the Tidal Basin, just not the Tidal Basin. I swear I’m about to make sense. There’s a quiet strip of land right next to Ohio Ave SW that sits along the Potomac River. Tourists don’t know it’s there, and most people are in a rush to get over to the memorials. For extra credit, go at sunset and have some wine & cheese with a great view, and then check out the rest of the tidal basin and the FDR memorial just a 3 minute walk away.

This list is guaranteed to provide you with a good time…. though I provide no guarantees on the quality of your date.

Tune in for more dating advice this week. Tomorrow? The 12 Rules For a Good Date.

12 Worst Places to Make Out in DC

Making out is like interviewing – if you do well, you have a good chance of getting the job of servicing me. In my post yesterday, I listed the top 12 places in DC to make out. I created the post to help all of you people out there who like to be romantic, and want some new ideas.

Today’s post is for the stupid people. This post is for people who like to read the instructions, go step by step, and still fuck everything up. Why do they fuck everything up? Because instructions only tell you WHAT to do….. but leave out WHAT NOT to do. There’s a huge difference between the two.

This post is a public service. A public service for all of you out there who appreciate the art of making out, whether you are stupid or not. I am also offering this as a tax deduction for myself. I figure if I’m going to go out of my way to help the stupid people of the world, I should at least get something out of it right? So, let’s see… 2 hours of time researching locations, 2 hours to write the blog post, 3 hours of binge drinking after having to deal with an obscene amount of stupid people, 6 hours spent bitching to random friends/colleagues/family/voices-in-head about stupid people, and 3 minutes for editing this entry. That works out to 13 hours and 3 minutes – and at $320 an hour (I’m not cheap folks) – that works out to $4,176. Sweet.

Without further ado, the non-categorized and mostly true list of:

The 12 Worst Places To Make Out in DC

K Street – You are a moron to even try making out with someone while standing anywhere near K Street. There are 2 basic outcomes of this action.

• 6:00am – 7:30pm: You will create a massive traffic jam because commuters will slow their vehicles down to 2.3mph in order to crane their neck to get a better view of you making out. The women will do this because they think “you kids” are cute and will be daydreaming about their husband/boyfriend/fuck buddy/boss/gay-best-friend-who-they-still-secretly-have-a-crush-on doing this with them. The men will stare because they are hoping to see boobs.
• 7:31pm – 5:59am: You will be arrested for prostitution, because hookers and johns are the only people who hang out on K street during these hours.

Rock Creek Park – Ahh look at all the pretty leaves. It’s so romantic here with the soft rumble of cars speeding down the R.C. Parkway! Oh c’mon schmoopie bear, let’s go for a quick romp in the woods! Good luck my friends, you remember Chandra Levy? She’s just the tip of the iceberg. Robbery, assault, homicide – it’s the Adams Morgan of DC Parks! So if you want to do it, do it at your own risk!

Metro Escalator – There are morons who stand on the left and jack up the whole system (and no I don’t mean the Democrats). It happens 13 times a minute (that’s a real stat, I swear!). 73% of the people who stand on the left are clinically braindead and illiterate, 17% are Republicans who work to impede progress (Hello Ron Paul!), and 7% don’t know any better but should be shot anyway. That leaves the final 3% – which are made up of people who just can’t fricken keep their hands off of each other, and force the rest of us to risk our lives by standing still on the long and steep ride up to freedom. The last thing we need is for you to lose your balance while humping each other and create a domino effect that would take-out half the hill staff.

McPherson Sq – Unless you want some random homeless guy tapping your shoulder to see if he can join in, I would recommend away from this area

On the Mall – The Mall is pretty and not nearly as dangerous as Rock Creek Park, so why not? Well with the tourists and their whacky digital cameras all over the place, you’ll most likely have your face plastered all over the internet. And the goose poop? You know how one thing leads to another – and getting goose poop smushed into your date’s hair isn’t likely to get you laid.

Dark Alleys – Getting hot and heavy on the dance floor? As you walk home, don’t take a detour into one of DC’s famous alleys for a quick tussle…. well unless you want rats to be climbing up your date’s leg. We hide all of the filth in this city in our alleys - so get that naughty idea right out of your head now and go find an empty Starbucks bathroom instead.

Anywhere in Adams Morgan – The moment you step outside into the street, your life is at risk. Don’t pause. Don’t reflect. Don’t pass go. GET YOUR ASS HOME AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND GET LAID. You think getting robbed helps the libido? Trust me, it doesn’t. I live there, I know.

Front lawn of the White House – Well, you probably wouldn’t make it there without first getting shot by the snipers on the roof who also enjoy randomly picking off Libertarians protesting in Lafayette Square. Besides, that sort of egregious public display of affection would be violating our strict American morals, and W wouldn’t like that.

The National Aquarium – No, not the really cool one up in Baltimore – the one housed in the basement of the Commerce Building. Didn’t know it was there? Neither does anyone else. So, why is it a bad place to go make out? Well, the employees of the aquarium would be so shocked excited that they actually had visitors, they probably wouldn’t give you a moment alone. As for the fish? You are better off visiting the local pet shop.

Top of Washington Monument – It sounds romantic doesn’t it? Historic location. Beautiful views. Sunset. Screaming kids constantly tugging at your shirt so they can get by and see out the window.

Spy Museum – Find spying sexy? Then wait until you get home and watch the neighbors get it on. It’s a neat little museum, but let the name tip you off – THEY ARE SPYING ON YOU! Don’t live out your exhibitionist fantasies here in front of the innumerable secret video cameras, security, and kiddies.

Iranian Embassy – It’s a fine looking abandoned building in a ritzy area of Mass Ave – so what could be so bad? This is Iran we’re talking about here. You do something like that on their land, and I guarantee that President Ahmadinejad would personally teleport over to kill you in your tracks. If you think I’m kidding, look at the hubbub created when all he did was just kiss his old teacher on the hand.

Thank me now. Thank me later. This concludes my public service announcement for the day – which was definitely something worth blogging about….. or not.

12 Best Places to Make Out in DC

I’m as much of a make-out slut as the next guy.

Last week I was talking to a couple of friends and we were discussing making-out, and the subject of the best places to make out came up. I decided it was high time that someone with some experience in this area spoke up. To that end, I’ve created my personal list of the best places to make out in this fine city. Now, this list doesn’t necessarily mean the most FUN places to make-out (those could include: the elevator at work, conference rooms, dance floors in clubs, etc etc). No, those are too easy. This list is for those romance snobs out there who also like to have a little bit of fun.

February is supposed to be a romantic month because of the whole Valentine’s Day thing. I call bullshit on that. Welcome to a Hallmark Holiday! No, I believe October is one of the most romantic months here in DC – the leaves finally coming down, the weather turning brisk, and Politicians gouging out each others eyes. Nothing is more romantic than watching a political bloodbath, now is there?

So, without further ado, here is my list of:

The 12 Best Places to Make Out in DC

You’re a tourist? I’m a tourist! Let’s make out!

Union Station – Met some hottie on the train? 10 steps into the gorgeous building and they’ll be begging you to shove your tongue down their throat. Already have a gf/bf and have an urge to get-it-on in public? It’s the only place in DC where you can basically dry hump, and everyone thinks it’s cute.

Newseum Observation Deck – Top floor overlooking the Capitol Building. It’s a great view, and since no one really knows the Newseum exists, you’ll have it all to yourself. Extra points if you ask the security guard up there to join in.

Haupt Garden – So you are walking around the Sackler, and you meet some hot little number who is ALSO a connoisseur of The Royal Paintings of Jodhpur. You want to make out, but you don’t know where? Well there’s a great a little garden right outside. It’s pretty any time of year and has tons of little nooks and crannies to swap some saliva.

Need a quick snog with a co-worker? Go here!

Secret Victorian Park behind the Brewmaster’s Castle – It’s only open during the day from late spring until early fall. So, if you and the hot new intern are tired of leaving butt prints on conference room tables, impress her with your DC knowledge by bringing her to this little park on Sunderland between 19th and New Hampshire Ave. It’s pretty, it’s secluded, it has park benches that can’t be seen from the street, and no one knows its there. Perfect recipe for some office naughtiness!

Gem Room – Smithsonian Natural History Museum – What’s more romantic than being ensconced by priceless gems in a dark room? This place is the perfect spot for a secret tryst. Problem: Tourists flock here like DC meter maids on my car. Solution: Go here during the week when tourists aren’t around! No one will recognize you, and you can find a nice dark corner to get some action.

Secluded bench around the Tidal Basin – It’s beautiful all year round – has a ton of benches, and other than during the cherry blossom festival, no one walks around here during the day. Bored government contractor? It’s just a moment from your office – so grab a friend and get your osculation on!

The Insider’s Guide…..

Bishop’s Garden - It’s quiet, secluded, and filled with crosses. So what’s that mean? It’s right behind the National Cathedral! So, if you are a heretic (like me!) or if men in robes and crosses get you all heated up – come here for a fun time! Oh, and it’s also open 24 hours – so you can get it on AND go to confessional, all in 1 quick trip!

Tutor Place – Pop your collar and go check out gardens at this public mansion in Georgetown for some preppy fun. It’ll cost you $2 a person for a “self-guided tour” of all the little benches and fountains in the garden. No one knows it exists, so that means its “exclusive.”

Cairo Roof Deck – Come visit this historic landmark on Q between 16th and 17th for the best unobstructed 360 degree views of DC. Can’t get in because of the “security?” Just knock on the window at the front door, and pretend you are going to visit your “best buddy” in apartment 1008. Take the elevator to the top floor, turn right, and take the stairwell up to the roof deck.

Take your date here, and you are guaranteed to get laid.

Balcony at the Uptown Theater – Feeling nostalgic? Flash back to your high school days of being naughty at the movies by taking your significant fuck-buddy to this DC institution and rock out with your cock out in the balcony section.

FDR Memorial – This is one of my favorite places in all of DC. The Tidal Basin, waterfalls, great lighting, and romantic quotes about World War II. It might be cliché – but who the fuck cares? Come for a quiet stroll and share a romantic kiss. Extra points if you go skinny dipping in the waterfalls!

Kennedy Center Roof Deck at Sunset – Have a touch of class in you? Check out the beautiful views of the Potomac, Georgetown, and the Rosslyn skyline before you go to see a show. Extra points if you eat at the restaurant and sneak a couple of glasses of wine out to sip on. Careful though, it gets a bit windy/chilly up here – so hold your date close.

Honorable mentions: At the top of Meridian Park overlooking the waterfall fountain, along the Canal in Georgetown, on the Key Bridge at sunrise/sunset, and at sunrise at the Potomac Scenic Overlook off the GW parkway North.

Coming tomorrow: The 12 WORST Places to Make Out in DC

New to my blog? Here’s a fun read: Tango Lessons: A Man Review