Dating Advice Answered

Dear ToBlogOr,

I have a relationship problem that I’m hoping you can help me with.   I’ve been dating a guy for the past 6 months, and I’m at a bit of a crossroads.  We’re getting closer to making a serious commitment, and I’m not sure how I really feel about him.  I took your advice and did an inventory on our relationship, and here are some of the pro’s and con’s that I identified:

Pro’s:

• He gives me really nice backrubs
• He brings me flowers at least once a week, with a very nice card
• He’s really sensitive and is willing to talk about his feelings in an open and honest manner.  I think he really gets me.
• He has a great job and makes a good living for himself
• We have a great sex life
• He’s really smart and makes great conversations.  I feel like we can talk all night.
• He packs my lunch for me when I stay over at his place, and he always leaves a little cute note written on a napkin in the lunch bag.
• My dog adores him, and Schmoopie-Poo doesn’t like ANYONE
• He likes to travel, go to the theater, enjoys the opera, and thinks that Hall & Oates is the greatest rock duo of all time.

 Cons:

• He likes to scratch his crotch and then sniff his fingers
• He’s only 5′7
• He talks in his sleep.  Not your normal 1 or 2 liner, no, he recites his favorite literature.  This primarily includes the “Dear Editor” section from Penthouse.
• He has a snaggle tooth that I swear waves hello at me every time he smiles.
• He has hair like the Geico Caveman.  I can deal with the back hair, ear hair, nose hair, uni-brow hair, ass hair, and neck-beard hair.  It’s the hair the grows on his toes that really bothers me.
• In order to look smarter, he wears glasses without any lenses. 
• He wears black shoes with a brown belt.
• He likes to wear red tightie whities that make his butt look saggy.  I don’t even know what to call them.  Tightie reddies?
• When we sleep at his place, the sheets on his bed always pull up revealing his mattress pad.
• He’ll run the disposal without turning on the water
• I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure he gave me herpes, genital warts, crabs, 3 different strains of syphilis, and a really bad nose cold last Thursday.  Yes, all of them on the same day.

ToBlogOr, I’m really confused.  Sometime it feels like I’ve met my soul-mate, and other times it feels like I’m dating a neanderthal.  What gives?  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Confused

Dear HC,

Thank you for writing.  It sounds like you have some real issues here, and I think I can help you out. 

Let me start by breaking it down.

You are dating a guy who looks like this:

Dresses like this:

But acts like Jude Law in “The Holiday” - 

Lemme see if I can get this straight – is this what you are working with?

If so, I have the answer for you.

Let’s start with the obvious:

 

The Obvious

 

You are dating a Jew. 

Let’s call him Jewde Law(yer), or JL for short.

It all adds up: the egregious amount of hair and gross lack of style coupled with a high-paying job and the sensitivity of a gay man.

Trust me, I’m a Jew and am very familiar with many of these attributes in my fellow Tribesmen.  BUT WAIT! Do not despair, there is hope for you.

 

Hope

 

Dating a Jew isn’t like contracting a fatal disease.   Yes, you have some legitimate concerns in this relationship, but it also sounds like JL has a lot of positives as well. 

Chemistry is one of the fundamental keys to the success of a relationship, and it sounds like you are doing ok in this department.  Let’s investigate this further:

There are 3 types of chemistry:  physical, emotional, and high school.

 

High School Chemistry

 

I was fantastic at chemistry in High School.  Fucking brilliant in fact.  I got an A in just about every quarter throughout high school, and many people thought I should go onto major in Chemistry in college.  This was an incorrect assessment, as I sucked major hairy moose balls at college chemistry.  How does this apply to your relationship issues?  It doesn’t, but I just had to get that off my chest. 

 

Emotional Chemistry

 

Emotional Chemistry revolves around how compatible your interests, values, and temperament are.  Do you communicate well?  Do you enjoy doing similar things?  Do you want similar things in a relationship and a family?  Did you cry during the same parts in “The Bridges of Madison County?”

In a relationship, it is important that you match up in these areas.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should be close.  I don’t agree with the whole Jerry Maguire philosophy of “You Complete Me.”  To me, that implies that each of us are incomplete in some way, and I don’t think that’s correct.  I feel that a good mate is one that you feel complements you.  Singularly you are great, but together?  Well together, you are an unstoppable force of nature.  Kinda like how LiLu and her man are the Disgusting Twins.

You can’t fake Emotional Chemistry.  If you have it, you have it.  If you don’t, you don’t.  It’s not something you can learn or change.

HC, it sounds like you are doing pretty well in this area – in fact it sounds like you guys get along great.  This strength forms a good basis for a strong relationship. 

 

Physical Chemistry

 

No, not the god-forsaken class I took in college that talked about bullshit that no one can actually prove, but they’ll fail test me on it anyway.   No, I’m talking about physical attraction and sexual chemistry.  I’m talking about when you hang out, you have a hard time keeping your hands off each other.  I’m talking about when you see him across the room, you can’t take your eyes off of him.  I’m talking about when you get naked and roll around in bed, you don’t care that he sheds more than this guy:

 

If those things apply to you, then you have good Physical Chemistry.

From what I’m hearing, It sounds like you have some major hang-ups in this area, which leads to a bit of a paradox.  You imply that you aren’t all that attracted to him but yet your sex life is great.  I’m guessing that you are really more embarrassed by his looks than anything else.  Why?  Because you have father issues. 

Let’s call it like it is, I know you are an anglo-saxon shiksa goddess. 

This means that your dad most likely has light colored hair, and blue eyes.  It also means that you never learned as a toddler that you could get rug burn from lying on your dad’s back.  If you were Jewish, you’d be familiar with these risks. 

Whether you realize it or not, we all base our relationships on the model we are most familiar with: our parents.  You see, as we grew up, our experience with our parents filled our subconscious with all sorts of data that we don’t even realize that we know.  It drives us instinctually. 

With your father as your subconscious model for men, you feel embarrassed that you are secretly attracted to such a schlub.  You constantly berate yourself for not being attracted to the tall muscular blonde Christian.  You think there must be something wrong with you.

That’s where you start running into problems.  There is never a good reason to feel embarrassed about being attracted to anyone.  As human beings, It’s our own fear of rejection that drives this.  Fear of rejection from our parents, our friends, and from random people on the street who you swear are pointing and laughing at JL as you guys walk down the street.

The thing is, you can’t help who you are attracted to.  It is what it is, and you can’t change it.  For whatever reason, you find this guy attractive, and by denying your feelings, you are only causing yourself more stress.  Since your friends and family aren’t the ones who are having sex with him, who cares if they find him attractive? 

 

The Answer

 

Let’s revisit the concerns you brought up, which I’ve categorized. 

Physical Issues – the things you brought up can all be easily addressed.  Firstly, find him a good dentist and then go shopping with him and help him match up his clothing in the morning.  Don’t try to change his whole wardrobe immediately – slowly work your style into his.  Start by buying him a couple of pairs of boxers and a nice sweater and tell him how sexy he looks in them.  We eat that shit up. 

As for the massive amounts of hair, you can buy all sorts of heavy duty shaving products, such as the “Razorba War Hammer.” That will definitely help out. 

You can’t change his height, so you’ll have to determine if that’s a true game changer or not.  Just remember, it isn’t about what your friends think or what you think you want, it’s about what you are attracted to.  You’ll have to dig deep for the truth on that one, or just buy him height enhancing footwear.

Guy Issues:  Guys have issues because we’re guys.  It happens.  We are genetically inclined to offend women just by our mere existence. 

We don’t do it out of spite, and we don’t always do it in the same ways, but it tends to produce similar results: 

You get annoyed and nag the shit out of us.  

An example is that he scratches his crotch and sniffs it.  It’s a genetically instinctual thing that all guys do, because it’s our shower litmus test.  You’ll just need to talk with him about appropriate places to do it. 

The same goes for the sheets and the disposal thing.  He just doesn’t know any better. 

As for the sleep talking thing, there may be 2 issues coming up here.  If you have problems with the porn thing, well, you’ll need to just accept it (or he’ll need to hide it better).  All guys look at porn, it’s just a fact of life.  If you don’t care about that, then you’ll want to explore if he has some unfulfilled fantasies.  If that doesn’t work, I recommend either buying some great ear plugs for yourself, or having him see a sleep therapist. 

HC, the answer with what to do with JL lies within yourself.  Take some time to yourself over the holiday and do some thinking and writing.  If you can get clear with your own hang-ups, then you’ll be able to fully commit to the relationship.  Just remember, you can’t change anyone other than yourself. 

You might not believe it, but many women would love to swap places with you.  You have a great guy who treats you well, and that’s hard to find.

Good luck!

Oh, what?  I’m not done yet?  You think I missed something important from above?

Ok, ok fine.  I’ll address it.

Go see a dermatologist.

Why?

Because you don’t have any STD’s.

Us Jews have extra scratchy hair and all that groin-to-groin action you’ve been secretly having is just irritating your skin.

———————————

Have a dating or relationship question and want a male perspective?  Feel free to email me at toblogor (at) yahoo (dot) com

12 Guaranteed Rules for a Great Date

I give good date. 

Call me arrogant, call me conceited, call me Slappy the Half-Brained Clown.

 

I call it confidence.  I’ve never been turned down for a 2nd date, and in general I’ve never had trouble meeting women who were interested in dating me.

Wanna know why?

It has nothing to do with having game, being stunningly good looking, or having a huge reproductive organ. (I’m not confirming or denying the existence of any of those things!)

There are 2 reasons for this:

1. I am extremely picky with the women I go out with
2. I pay attention

It’s really just that simple.

But ToBlogOr – if it was really that simple, why doesn’t everyone do it?

Good question. You wanna know why? Because we’re too self absorbed.

I’m a recovering only child, but a long time ago I started to understand the power of paying attention. Remembering little things started to get me places. It helped me succeed in my career. I had problems dating though. The moment I started applying the same principles to dating, all of a sudden I was an extremely caring guy that all the women wanted.

What??? Really?

Yep.

My plan for today was to provide a list of the 12 Guaranteed Rules to Great Dating – but you know what? There are really a lot more than 12, and they are really more like guidelines. The majority of these apply to both men and women equally, and I’ll include a couple of extra at the end for men and women

So let’s go!

The 12+ Guaranteed Rules of a Great Date

 

Don’t be a bore, make your date soar!

The more interactive your date is, the better. Something that involves laughter is always important. Guys – chicks dig guys that make them laugh. If you aren’t funny, do something that involves laughter.  Suck up your pride and try something you haven’t done before, it’s ok to laugh at yourself.  I went on an ice skating date once and fell on my ass so many times that I think it’s now permanently flat.  You know what though?  The girl thought it was really endearing.  We couldn’t stop laughing.

Don’t be a pretentious prick

Dating is not about being impressive. Dating is about being YOU. Have enough confidence in yourself to BE yourself. If you are having some self confidence issues, then just be glad you aren’t this guy:

Dress to impress

When I said to not be pretentious, I didn’t mean don’t look good. I’m a big fan of over-dressing slightly.  No full tuxedo for a fast-food run.  If you aren’t sure if you should wear jeans or slacks — go with slacks. If you aren’t sure if slacks or a suit. Go with a suit. My one corollary: If you aren’t sure if you should go with tighty whities or commando — definitely go commando.

Pretend you are Obama

Now, with your huge pretend ears…. LISTEN TO YOUR GODDAMN DATE!  Don’t just hear him/her talk – ask questions.  Engaging questions.  Open ended questions.  If you don’t care what they have to say…. PRETEND. 

Dating Hint: After your date, write down some of the things you talked about and review them before you talk to your date the next time.  As an example, take a note about their brother’s impending graduation…. and then ask them about it next time.  I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if you care about their brother, but it shows that you listened!  Trust me, this one never fails.

Everyone hates a mime

I hate it when my date only gives me 1 or 2 word answers to my questions.  It makes it sound like they either 1: don’t like me or 2: are stupid.  You goal is to be talking 45% of the date.  You want your date to be talking just a bit more than you, and if things start to get off kilter, right the ship! 

 

 

Buy a fricken watch

Be on time, wouldja?  If you aren’t going to be on time, let your date know.  Ok?  I HATE waiting for people, because I hate being late.  I like to plan.  I know that not everyone is like that, but how well do you really know your date?  Not very – so do us a favor, and be on time.  It shows us that you care.

Surprise surprise surprise!

Ok so I already talked about listening and taking notes – here’s another way to put it to use.  One of my signature moves is to bring a surprise on a 2nd or 3rd date.  Nothing expensive, just a little small thoughtful gesture.  Women almost always appreciate flowers, but I like to take it a step further.  Before our first date, GF and I had a conversation where she  told me about how she loved the song Sexy Back, but didn’t have the CD.  I hadn’t even heard the song, but I went out to a store, bought the CD, and then surprised her with it on our way to dinner.  Trust me, this stuff works.

Don’t do the friend pat

Touch a woman like she’s a woman, not your buddy.  Don’t pat them on the back or shoulder like a friend would do.  This is called the “friend pat.”  This is highly offensive to women, so don’t do it.  There are a good number of good ways to do it.  Women?  Touching a man is always sexy, just understand that if you start touching us a lot, we think we’re gonna get some. 

 

 

Dating Tip:  Men – if you aren’t sure what to do at the end of the night, give her a kiss on the cheek.  You can’t go wrong with this, women think it’s cute…. just make sure you aim appropriately.  If you give her an obvious sign that you are going in for just the cheek, she won’t flinch.  If she wants more, she’ll turn her head.

Warning: Friend Pat!

 

 

Thank you Jesus!

If someone took you on a great date – is it too much ask you to write a quick thank you note?  In fact, even if you TOOK someone on a great date, it’s ok to send them a thank you note too!  People love appreciation.

Hey, nice ass!

People love to be complimented, women especially.  If you think they look nice, tell them… and be specific.  Just remember, that you need to compliment them not the item of clothing.  I’ll give you a couple examples:

Bad: Wow, that’s a great dress!

Good: Wow, you look great in that dress! 

Bad: I really love your earrings.

Worse: Those earrings really go great with your dress! (No straight man says something like that)

Good:  Wow, you look great – I love your earrings!

Bad: Those jeans make your ass look great.

Good: You have a great ass.

Clean your car, get gas, etc

Dates should never include chores.  Chores are what you do in your free time.  Be prepared: if you are driving, clean your car out ahead of time, get gas, and know exactly where you are going.  Women: the last thing I want to do when I’m on a date is go to CVS with her to buy tampons.  So do yourself a favor, and plan ahead.

Don’t play the 1 up game

This is a game only assholes play.  Be impressed with your date, they like to feel like they are number 1.  All 1 upping does is makes them feel like they aren’t good enough.  If you make it farther than this date, you’ll have time to tell your story eventually.  In the meantime, be more into them than into yourself.

Don’t be a douchebag

Sarcasm sucks.  Period.  Keep it out of your first dates.  No one wins when you are sarcastic.  It’s offensive, it isn’t funny, it doesn’t belong in dating.  You don’t know them that well, they don’t know you that well…. and trust me, it won’t get you anywhere.  Just don’t be a douche bag ok?

 

Ok, so I’ve now provided you with all the rules that guarantee you will have a great date (assuming your date isn’t like the guy above).

Post Date Tip

Your date is not Ellis Island

Don’t be needy and desperate.  You are dating, you aren’t married.  Be cool.  Be relaxed.  If you seem desperate and needy, people won’t like dating you.  This means sucking it up and not over-communicating.  If you haven’t gotten a response back from your text earlier…  Suck it up.  Your date has a life of their own.  If you haven’t heard back, wait at least 24 hours and then follow up.  If you still don’t get a response, you are only allocated 1 last call…. so use it wisely.  Anything more than that is an annoyance.  If they like you, they’ll get back to you eventually…. if not? No loss – move on! 

Are we done yet?

No! Because we have to cover both sides of the issue.

How to get out of a bad date

If you are on a bad date, and want to know how to get out – go here. The website also includes helpful tips for situations such as: “How to Survive If You Wake Up Next to Someone Whose Name You Don’t Remember” and “How to Determine If Your Date Is an Axe Murderer”

I’ll be reporting live from London tomorrow – so stay tuned for some Greenwich Mean Time Dating Tips!