Hollow Weiners

I am to scary as the Smurfs are to porn. 

The Smurfs are kid friendly and aren’t sexy at all, except to a small freakish segment of society who get off imagining Papa Smurf and Handy Smurf double teaming Smurfette.

 

To most of the known universe, I’m just about as unscary as possible.  In fact, when I try to even look mean or scary – people laugh.  In many ways, I’m the anti-bad boy.  That’s not to say I’m boring…. far from it.  I just look very innocent. 

I’m ok with this though, because I have a secret. 

I’m good at looking freakish. 

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When it comes to Halloween, I’m a bit of a traditionalist.  I don’t mean traditionalist in the Charlie Brown-sheet-over-head-stupid-ghost kind of way….. I like creativity.

You see, I’m tired of the mega-halloween stores that sell costumes in a bag.  It’s pointless and completely non-creative.  I think it defeats the purpose of Halloween. 

When I was a kid, I always built my costumes from the bottom up.  Being that I had veritably no artistic ability whatsoever, I had to really work hard at it. 

When I was about 8, I remember finding a huge box in the basement and deciding that I was going to be a robot.  So I decorated the whole box with black construction paper, some shiny material I found, and any sort of bobble or electronicy looking thing I could find in the basement.  I cut holes in the sides for my arms, and on the top for my head.  I even made a fairly intricate helmet.

I’m pretty sure I thought I was going to look like this:

 

 

I was going to have the coolest costume EVER…..until I discovered 1 major problem:

My arms weren’t long enough to fit out the sides. 

Not me, but most likely what I looked like

Being that I was 8 years old, I hadn’t had the forethought to measure the box to see if it was too big for me. 

It was devastating.

Why?  Because if I couldn’t get my arms out the side holes, I wouldn’t be able to collect any halloween candy.

FUCK!

I went crying to my dad, who was the only person qualified to address such a global crisis.

So after some ingenious use of duct tape, my jack-o-lantern bucket was attached to the front of the box, and my arm holes became vents.

Problem solved! 

Well… right up until I realized that, since I didn’t have any arm holes, I had no way to keep my candy safe from the other kids…. 

Just imagine seeing an oversized silver box, with a bucket duct-taped to the front, sprinting down the street with a bunch of midget GI Joes chasing after it. 

Yeah, that was me.

But I digress…

So, now that I’m all grown up, what do you get when you combine To Blog Or and a holiday that involves dressing up? 

Usually a restraining order and a ticket for public indecency.

I’m that good. 

So, all you out-of-the-bag Sexy Ms Muffets and Capt Jack Sparrows out there…. watch out….. because I’m bringing it tonight.

I am going to be a true Halloweener….. not a hollow weiner.

Randomly Rambunctious Remarks

Some people found my blog by searching for “sex boys and man,” “50lbs overweight,” and “Tighty whitie dude.”  What does this say about my readers (or my writing for that matter!)?

Whenever I eat a nice salad and some fruit for lunch, I’m still hungry.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll never feel full unless a slab of cow and a cookie are somehow integrated into my meal.

Dasani is “Purified water enhanced with minerals for a pure, fresh taste.”  So they are unpurifying the water to make it taste more pure?

I use a Swingline stapler everyday.  I wish it was red.

 

I hate it when the car in front of me leaves their blinker on.  It makes me want run them off the road, NASCAR style.

I was once told by a Rabbi that Jews are not prudes.  I think this needs to be better communicated to the Jewish women of the world.

I’ve been pulled over for speeding by a bicycle cop.  He had a siren and lights and everything.  Ironic thing?  I was on travel presenting at a big meeting for public safety officials.

 

I often wonder if I farted on a skunk, would it smell better? 

I’ve always hated September – because that’s when you go back to school.  I haven’t been in school in more than a decade, yet I still hate September.

My work colleague has a hand drawn picture above his desk that says “I love you Dad, Plese take it to work!”  He doesn’t have any kids.

 

I like drinking hot tea, hot soup, hot chocolate, etc but I can’t brush my teeth with either hot or warm water.  It’s disgusting.

When I’m walking up to an elevator, I secretly race anyone nearby so I can be the first to push the up/down arrow.

Whenever someone talks about “Change Management” for some reason a picture of a zoo-keeper pops into my head.

I like making completely random analogies to help explain things.  The more obscure, the better. 

My life is sort of like a feather duster.  I own it, I know I can put it to good use, but I’m too lazy to.  So instead I hire someone else to clean up my dust and mess.

Scenario: 2 guys at work are in the bathroom, both in stalls.  They both flush at exactly the same time.  Invariably, one guy will pause in his stall and let the other wash his hands and leave, in order to avoid having an ”embarassing” meeting of the crappers at the sink.

And those are your Randomly Rambunctious Remarks worth blogging about…… or not.

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A quick thank you to NBC Washington for featuring my post on The 12 Best Places to Make Out in DC on their website yesterday!

Best Place to Make Out. Ever.

On Broad Street in Philadelphia……

For the

Philadelphia Phillies

World Series

Championship

Parade!

.

WE WIN!!!!!!

.

McCain/Palin Ticket Influences Possible Husband-icide

Welcome to I Hate Stupid People – Politics Edition….

So, let’s say that you and your wife are about to give birth to your 3rd child

Let’s say you agree on a name… perhaps something like “Ava Grace”

Let’s say that your wife then goes through hours and hours of painful labor and gives birth to your daughter

And now, let’s say that, while your wife is under the influence of some heavy drugs while recovering from CHILD BIRTH, you decide to secretly change your new daughters name to…..

Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak

If that doesn’t prove your dumbassness enough, you decide that BEFORE you tell your wife about your moronic actions, you have a friendly little interview with the press and tell THEM all about it.

Think this is too good to be true? NOPE!

Carter County man surprises wife, names baby Sarah McCain Palin

Published 10/13/2008 By Kevin Castle

People can be passionate about their politics. Consider, for example, the name given to a baby girl born last weekend to a Carter County couple: Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak.While that’s the name father Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton put on documents for his baby girl’s birth certificate, it isn’t the name he and his wife originally agreed on. And it isn’t the name his wife, Layla, thought the baby was given.

“We actually came up with the name Ava Grace, and I secretively went and got another set of forms to send to (Social Security officials and the Tennessee Department of Health), and as of this time, she (Layla) still doesn’t realize what I’ve done. I haven’t broken the news to her yet,” Ciptak said.

“As of right now, I’m just trying to get up enough nerve to tell her what I’ve done and hope for the best. I hope I’m still living to tell the tale tomorrow. She thought it was a done deal with Ava Grace.

“Only some friends and family members who I have called for prayer support know at this point.”

Later in the day, Mark did break the news to Layla.

“I don’t think she believes me yet. It’s going to take some more convincing,” he said.

Mountain States Health Alliance spokesman James Watson said Monday he double-checked the records that were signed by the parents for the birth certificate name.

“I just got through looking at the (papers), and you can tell where the father signed the name of the baby. It’s in his handwriting. But both of the parents’ signatures are on the document, and that is what is on its way to Nashville,” Watson said.

Mark Ciptak, a blood bank employee for a local chapter of the American Red Cross, said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to “encourage somebody” and “to get the word out” about the campaign.

“I took one for the cause,” said Ciptak. “I can’t give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little. Is this going to change the course of the election? I doubt it. But it’s something that I did to help out the campaign and the cause. … This is a little token to the McCain camp, and we are strong supporters of that ticket.”

Ciptak said he and his wife were both procrastinators when they named their other two children. Their last child did not receive his name until a week and a half after he was born.

“We actually had to call (health department) officials in Nashville to change the paperwork after that because we wanted to change his middle name,” Ciptak said.

“We have Annika and Isaiah, so (the names) kind of flow, so we wanted this one to flow. … So the best we came up with in the hospital was Ava. It’s going to have to stick. We both like it, and that is more than likely going to be it, unless my wife wants to keep what I officially named (her). We’ll see.”

If his wife disagrees, an official with the Tennessee Department of Health’s Office of Vital Records said Monday the family has one year to file an affidavit requesting the name change. After one year, a court order from the family’s county of origin will be required.

I’ve Got Sex On the Ears

Before I start, I want to thank DCBlogs for their mention today! Thanks!

Now, on with the show!

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So, I have this very nice female coworker (FC) who sits next to me at work. We get along quite well, but it seems that we have a bit of an issue…. we have a breakdown in our communications.

You see, for the 2nd time in 2 weeks FC has said something to me that was definitely not work appropriate. Being the good little politically correct worker bee that I am, I of course gave her a quizzical look, and repeated the question back to her for clarification.

Instance 1:

FC: Hey, do you want a quickie?

Me: Did you just ask me if I wanted a quickie?

FC: No! I asked you if you wanted a cookie.

Me: Oh.

Instance 2:

FC: Are you a prude?

Me: Uhh…… did you just ask me if I’m a prude?

FC: No. I asked you if you were approved. For your PTO.

Me: Oh… uh. Yeah. Thanks. Ha ha. Sorry about that. At least I didn’t ask you if you wanted a quickie this time.

FC: …………….

So, what have I learned out of all of this? I’ve learned to just nod yes whenever FC talks to me and do my best not to act like the complete pervert I am….. well, at least at work.

12 Worst Places to Make Out in DC

Making out is like interviewing – if you do well, you have a good chance of getting the job of servicing me. In my post yesterday, I listed the top 12 places in DC to make out. I created the post to help all of you people out there who like to be romantic, and want some new ideas.

Today’s post is for the stupid people. This post is for people who like to read the instructions, go step by step, and still fuck everything up. Why do they fuck everything up? Because instructions only tell you WHAT to do….. but leave out WHAT NOT to do. There’s a huge difference between the two.

This post is a public service. A public service for all of you out there who appreciate the art of making out, whether you are stupid or not. I am also offering this as a tax deduction for myself. I figure if I’m going to go out of my way to help the stupid people of the world, I should at least get something out of it right? So, let’s see… 2 hours of time researching locations, 2 hours to write the blog post, 3 hours of binge drinking after having to deal with an obscene amount of stupid people, 6 hours spent bitching to random friends/colleagues/family/voices-in-head about stupid people, and 3 minutes for editing this entry. That works out to 13 hours and 3 minutes – and at $320 an hour (I’m not cheap folks) – that works out to $4,176. Sweet.

Without further ado, the non-categorized and mostly true list of:

The 12 Worst Places To Make Out in DC

K Street – You are a moron to even try making out with someone while standing anywhere near K Street. There are 2 basic outcomes of this action.

• 6:00am – 7:30pm: You will create a massive traffic jam because commuters will slow their vehicles down to 2.3mph in order to crane their neck to get a better view of you making out. The women will do this because they think “you kids” are cute and will be daydreaming about their husband/boyfriend/fuck buddy/boss/gay-best-friend-who-they-still-secretly-have-a-crush-on doing this with them. The men will stare because they are hoping to see boobs.
• 7:31pm – 5:59am: You will be arrested for prostitution, because hookers and johns are the only people who hang out on K street during these hours.

Rock Creek Park – Ahh look at all the pretty leaves. It’s so romantic here with the soft rumble of cars speeding down the R.C. Parkway! Oh c’mon schmoopie bear, let’s go for a quick romp in the woods! Good luck my friends, you remember Chandra Levy? She’s just the tip of the iceberg. Robbery, assault, homicide – it’s the Adams Morgan of DC Parks! So if you want to do it, do it at your own risk!

Metro Escalator – There are morons who stand on the left and jack up the whole system (and no I don’t mean the Democrats). It happens 13 times a minute (that’s a real stat, I swear!). 73% of the people who stand on the left are clinically braindead and illiterate, 17% are Republicans who work to impede progress (Hello Ron Paul!), and 7% don’t know any better but should be shot anyway. That leaves the final 3% – which are made up of people who just can’t fricken keep their hands off of each other, and force the rest of us to risk our lives by standing still on the long and steep ride up to freedom. The last thing we need is for you to lose your balance while humping each other and create a domino effect that would take-out half the hill staff.

McPherson Sq – Unless you want some random homeless guy tapping your shoulder to see if he can join in, I would recommend away from this area

On the Mall – The Mall is pretty and not nearly as dangerous as Rock Creek Park, so why not? Well with the tourists and their whacky digital cameras all over the place, you’ll most likely have your face plastered all over the internet. And the goose poop? You know how one thing leads to another – and getting goose poop smushed into your date’s hair isn’t likely to get you laid.

Dark Alleys – Getting hot and heavy on the dance floor? As you walk home, don’t take a detour into one of DC’s famous alleys for a quick tussle…. well unless you want rats to be climbing up your date’s leg. We hide all of the filth in this city in our alleys - so get that naughty idea right out of your head now and go find an empty Starbucks bathroom instead.

Anywhere in Adams Morgan – The moment you step outside into the street, your life is at risk. Don’t pause. Don’t reflect. Don’t pass go. GET YOUR ASS HOME AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND GET LAID. You think getting robbed helps the libido? Trust me, it doesn’t. I live there, I know.

Front lawn of the White House – Well, you probably wouldn’t make it there without first getting shot by the snipers on the roof who also enjoy randomly picking off Libertarians protesting in Lafayette Square. Besides, that sort of egregious public display of affection would be violating our strict American morals, and W wouldn’t like that.

The National Aquarium – No, not the really cool one up in Baltimore – the one housed in the basement of the Commerce Building. Didn’t know it was there? Neither does anyone else. So, why is it a bad place to go make out? Well, the employees of the aquarium would be so shocked excited that they actually had visitors, they probably wouldn’t give you a moment alone. As for the fish? You are better off visiting the local pet shop.

Top of Washington Monument – It sounds romantic doesn’t it? Historic location. Beautiful views. Sunset. Screaming kids constantly tugging at your shirt so they can get by and see out the window.

Spy Museum – Find spying sexy? Then wait until you get home and watch the neighbors get it on. It’s a neat little museum, but let the name tip you off – THEY ARE SPYING ON YOU! Don’t live out your exhibitionist fantasies here in front of the innumerable secret video cameras, security, and kiddies.

Iranian Embassy – It’s a fine looking abandoned building in a ritzy area of Mass Ave – so what could be so bad? This is Iran we’re talking about here. You do something like that on their land, and I guarantee that President Ahmadinejad would personally teleport over to kill you in your tracks. If you think I’m kidding, look at the hubbub created when all he did was just kiss his old teacher on the hand.

Thank me now. Thank me later. This concludes my public service announcement for the day – which was definitely something worth blogging about….. or not.

12 Best Places to Make Out in DC

I’m as much of a make-out slut as the next guy.

Last week I was talking to a couple of friends and we were discussing making-out, and the subject of the best places to make out came up. I decided it was high time that someone with some experience in this area spoke up. To that end, I’ve created my personal list of the best places to make out in this fine city. Now, this list doesn’t necessarily mean the most FUN places to make-out (those could include: the elevator at work, conference rooms, dance floors in clubs, etc etc). No, those are too easy. This list is for those romance snobs out there who also like to have a little bit of fun.

February is supposed to be a romantic month because of the whole Valentine’s Day thing. I call bullshit on that. Welcome to a Hallmark Holiday! No, I believe October is one of the most romantic months here in DC – the leaves finally coming down, the weather turning brisk, and Politicians gouging out each others eyes. Nothing is more romantic than watching a political bloodbath, now is there?

So, without further ado, here is my list of:

The 12 Best Places to Make Out in DC

You’re a tourist? I’m a tourist! Let’s make out!

Union Station – Met some hottie on the train? 10 steps into the gorgeous building and they’ll be begging you to shove your tongue down their throat. Already have a gf/bf and have an urge to get-it-on in public? It’s the only place in DC where you can basically dry hump, and everyone thinks it’s cute.

Newseum Observation Deck – Top floor overlooking the Capitol Building. It’s a great view, and since no one really knows the Newseum exists, you’ll have it all to yourself. Extra points if you ask the security guard up there to join in.

Haupt Garden – So you are walking around the Sackler, and you meet some hot little number who is ALSO a connoisseur of The Royal Paintings of Jodhpur. You want to make out, but you don’t know where? Well there’s a great a little garden right outside. It’s pretty any time of year and has tons of little nooks and crannies to swap some saliva.

Need a quick snog with a co-worker? Go here!

Secret Victorian Park behind the Brewmaster’s Castle – It’s only open during the day from late spring until early fall. So, if you and the hot new intern are tired of leaving butt prints on conference room tables, impress her with your DC knowledge by bringing her to this little park on Sunderland between 19th and New Hampshire Ave. It’s pretty, it’s secluded, it has park benches that can’t be seen from the street, and no one knows its there. Perfect recipe for some office naughtiness!

Gem Room – Smithsonian Natural History Museum – What’s more romantic than being ensconced by priceless gems in a dark room? This place is the perfect spot for a secret tryst. Problem: Tourists flock here like DC meter maids on my car. Solution: Go here during the week when tourists aren’t around! No one will recognize you, and you can find a nice dark corner to get some action.

Secluded bench around the Tidal Basin – It’s beautiful all year round – has a ton of benches, and other than during the cherry blossom festival, no one walks around here during the day. Bored government contractor? It’s just a moment from your office – so grab a friend and get your osculation on!

The Insider’s Guide…..

Bishop’s Garden - It’s quiet, secluded, and filled with crosses. So what’s that mean? It’s right behind the National Cathedral! So, if you are a heretic (like me!) or if men in robes and crosses get you all heated up – come here for a fun time! Oh, and it’s also open 24 hours – so you can get it on AND go to confessional, all in 1 quick trip!

Tutor Place – Pop your collar and go check out gardens at this public mansion in Georgetown for some preppy fun. It’ll cost you $2 a person for a “self-guided tour” of all the little benches and fountains in the garden. No one knows it exists, so that means its “exclusive.”

Cairo Roof Deck – Come visit this historic landmark on Q between 16th and 17th for the best unobstructed 360 degree views of DC. Can’t get in because of the “security?” Just knock on the window at the front door, and pretend you are going to visit your “best buddy” in apartment 1008. Take the elevator to the top floor, turn right, and take the stairwell up to the roof deck.

Take your date here, and you are guaranteed to get laid.

Balcony at the Uptown Theater – Feeling nostalgic? Flash back to your high school days of being naughty at the movies by taking your significant fuck-buddy to this DC institution and rock out with your cock out in the balcony section.

FDR Memorial – This is one of my favorite places in all of DC. The Tidal Basin, waterfalls, great lighting, and romantic quotes about World War II. It might be cliché – but who the fuck cares? Come for a quiet stroll and share a romantic kiss. Extra points if you go skinny dipping in the waterfalls!

Kennedy Center Roof Deck at Sunset – Have a touch of class in you? Check out the beautiful views of the Potomac, Georgetown, and the Rosslyn skyline before you go to see a show. Extra points if you eat at the restaurant and sneak a couple of glasses of wine out to sip on. Careful though, it gets a bit windy/chilly up here – so hold your date close.

Honorable mentions: At the top of Meridian Park overlooking the waterfall fountain, along the Canal in Georgetown, on the Key Bridge at sunrise/sunset, and at sunrise at the Potomac Scenic Overlook off the GW parkway North.

Coming tomorrow: The 12 WORST Places to Make Out in DC

New to my blog? Here’s a fun read: Tango Lessons: A Man Review

Holy. Mackeral.

If the Phillies win the World Series, I might actually cry. How funny/sad/stupid/amazing is that?

I remember 1980……. please! PLEASE!

Orgasms and Arrests

Take 2 tablespoons of sex and mix with a big heaping cup of police activity, and you know what you get?  My evening yesterday!

So, I was on my couch watching the Phillies game last night when GF decided to come over after a happy hour. It was about the 3rd or 4th inning and the game was pretty slow.

Watching baseball on TV is definitely not one of GF’s favorite pastimes.  As she might have been a bit bored and feeling a little frisky after an unconfirmed number of alcoholic beverages at happy hour, she kept herself interested by trying her best to “distract” me.

One thing led to another, the TV was shut off, and we engaged in uhhh… errr… a competitive game of Scrabble. Yeah, that’s it!

Back and forth we go, consonants and vowels flying all over the place. 

Then out of the blue, right outside my window we hear:

“PUT YOUR HANDS UP! GET ON THE GROUND! NOW! MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!”

I live in the Adams Morgan area, and if you haven’t heard – there’s been a pretty hefty increase in the crime in our area recently.

So, when we hear all this screaming and banging, we’re not sure if someone is getting mugged, or someone is getting arrested. GF and I look at each other.  We’re conflicted.

What do we do? Look out the window and make sure everyone is safe or finish? The game was close.  We had put so much effort in….. So, we did what any other good DC residents would do in this situation:

We said, fuck it – robbery be damned, we’re finishing!

I wasn’t an english major, but when it comes to Scrabble I am definitely cunning with my linguistic skills.

Faster and faster we made our moves…

Double word score! 

Triple letter score! 

Points pile up faster than we can keep score. 

The intensity of the game matched only by the sirens, yelling, and intense police activity right outside my window.

I pull the last tile out of the bag….. a G!  Only 2 points?  Damnit….. this is going to be close.

Folks, here’s the thing about Scrabble.  A true master knows that winning isn’t about the tiles you pull… it’s how you play them.

I had her right where I wanted her.  Down 23 points with only my turn left to play.

My move was as quick as it was stunning.  I play the G.

BAM!

TRIPLE WORD SCORE.  Take that!  24 points!  I win!

GF screams.

Perhaps it was in disbelief.  Perhaps it was the shock.  Perhaps it was just a release from the intesity of the game.

Either way, I did what any other self-serving boyfriend would do in that situation.

I covered her mouth.

The last thing we needed was someone else getting arrested.

 

Sexy, Single, and Celibate? Bring it.

Welcome to blog wars – sex and dating edition.

On Sexy, Single, and Celibate’s blog, I made the comment yesterday that dating sucks. 

Her response on her blog entry today is:

“No, no, it doesn’t.  Dating leads to sex.  Sex is good.  I need the wildly hot and sexy To Blog Or him to revise his statement.  Dating doesn’t suck.  Online dating sucks.

She wants me to revise my statement?

Well….. I was going to leave her a long and involved comment on her entry, but my shitty-ass work computer is all fucked up and for some reason won’t let me.   So here we go….

My response? 

No.

Fucking.

Way.

You see, dating definitely sucks.  Why?  Because to get to the good stuff, you have to weed through all the losers out there. 

I do totally agree with her that sex is good.  In fact its great! You know what else I think is great?  It’s a scary word….. but I still like it:

Relationships.

Dating is the crap you have to put up with in order to get sex and relationships.  Good dating usually leads to a relationship.  Anything less than good dating usually leads to (well, at least for the men) – a couple of expensive dinners that involve boring conversations.  I like food and all, but hell, I’d rather eat by myself than put up with some of the drivel I’ve been forced to listen to.

Oh, and SSC – you are right – online dating is even worse – ugh.  Been there, done that.  Won’t go back. 

I like to think that online dating is a lot like cyber-sex. 

You might have had a little fun here or there , but at the end of the day, all you get for your efforts is a dirty tissue.